


Never Our Time

by Hopelesslygazingthestars



Category: Captain Marvel (2019), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Captain Marvel (2019) Spoilers, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Post-Captain Marvel (2019), Slow Burn, danbeau
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2019-11-26 13:06:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 66,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18180992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopelesslygazingthestars/pseuds/Hopelesslygazingthestars
Summary: Carol Danvers returns to her family a few years post-Captain Marvel (2019). Troubled by more memories haunting her, she searches out her loved ones to make sense of her dreams. They have to figure out whether they can somehow continue on together or if their love's time has passed them by.





	1. Remembering

**Author's Note:**

> IDK if anyone else feels this, but I had A LOT of feelings after watching Captain Marvel a couple days ago. I love Carol and Maria and their little family, its canon, Idec what anyone says, it was the film was literally w/w fiction.

**Remembering**

It’s been 2 years since Carol left earth on her mission to help Talos and the Skrull find a home. Yet, it’s not been as easy as she imagined. It’s not the task that’s exactly more difficult, rather the emotional turmoil within herself which she finds arduous. 

Much like she had been when she was with the Kree, she’s once again haunted by her family back home. Except, this time it’s not because of the lack of memories but instead the onslaught of memories, which cannot possibly be real, that torment her.

Many things are still hazy and there’s gaps which she is starting to understand she may never get back. It’s easy for her to come to terms with trivial things she has forgotten, like what her favourite toys were as a child; and even more important things like the reason she stopped speaking to her parents, or was it the other way around?

However, now she is tormented by dreams that are becoming increasingly frequent, which involve Maria and herself in positions more friendly than “best friends.” There are vivid scenes of plump lips pressed against her own, ungodly moans and whimpers; and half-lidded dark eyes which scream ‘come to bed’. There are flashes of more tender moments, like the whispered ‘I love you’ which comes from her lips holding weight differently than she would a friend. These are the moments she finds more unbelievable because they paint a picture of a beautiful love, something she cannot possibly have _forgotten_ or that Maria wouldn’t have told her about.

More recently, there are the visions that cause her to wake with a start, her heart racing, forehead sweating and her hands fisting the bed sheets. It’s not such a problem when she sleeps, but the daydreams which leave her skin prickling and her hands suddenly glowing, at the most inappropriate of times, is starting to get in the way. 

Talos can tell something’s up and when he tries to broach the topic, her quick wit and charm usually manage to swiftly change the topic. Until one day it’s not enough, and he’s more insistent on finding out what’s wrong with the woman who is now his closest friend. 

“You’re distracted. It’s like you’ve still got that thing at the back of your head, scrambling your mind.” He says knowingly.

“I am _not_ distracted, I’ve never been more focussed in my lif –” she begins but as her mind floats to Maria she notices her hands begin to glow.

Talos looks at her knowingly before he presses more urgently for her to open up.

“Do you miss home?”

He knows she does, but he needs her to admit it out loud, if only so she can finally hear it and begin to come to terms with her troubles.  

She’s stubborn and still finds it difficult to articulate her feelings, because Carol knows he is right. She is distracted and Maria’s face plays on a loop in her mind, some memories, some dreams and she’s finding it difficult to distinguish between the two.

“I miss _them_.” She admits, taking a long shaky breath.

“But it’s more than that, isn’t it?” He presses.

“I miss _her_ – Maria. And, well, I think… I think I _loved_ her.” The words stumble out her mouth with little grace.

Talos doesn’t say anything but he gives her an encouraging smile.

“ _I love her._ ” She adds, realisation dawning on her.

“I love her.” Carol repeats, relief clear in her voice.

“Good, you’ve finally said it.” Talos is beaming watching Carol finally confront her issues.

“You knew?”

“I mean if it wasn’t for the longing looks Maria sent your way, the whole you two living together and raising a child sort of suggested it.”

Carol looked back at their reunion, the heartbroken way Maria had explained what happened to her, the fact that Maria must have been her next of kin. It was all there she just never connected the dots.

“But why didn’t she tell me?”

There was feeling of anger building within Carol. She had loved her, more as a wife than a friend, and Maria let her go.

“Maybe it’s time you go find out.” Talos suggests.

“What if she doesn’t want me anymore, what if she’s moved on?”

There’s a million what if’s going through her mind. She may be comfortable with who she is now, but parts of the Carol Maria knew are gone, and may never come back; and there’s parts of Vers that are now forever a part of her.

“I’m an echo, a _ghost_ of the Carol she loved. What if she can’t love this version of me?” She voices her insecurities.

“Something tells me she wouldn’t have gone on a deadly mission to space, risking her life, if she couldn’t.”

Talos insists they will be okay for a while without her. She’s not convinced until he tells her she’s putting them all in danger when her spirit is somewhere else. 

So, she finds herself back on earth a short while later, completely confused as to what she’s going to say when she sees the woman that she is now aware she loves in a very different way than she had been led to believe. 

 


	2. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Carol is reunited with her little family.

**Reunion**

Carol stands in the backyard of Maria’s Louisiana property, looking at the mess her landing made. A part of her is angry that Maria would keep this from her, and maybe that’s why she makes a messy landing. 

She barely has time to attempt to kick some of the grass back in place before she hears the familiar screech of Monica and sees her hurtling towards her. 

“Auntie Carol!”

She’s sprinting towards her and if it wasn’t for her super strength, the girl would have tackled her to the ground. With Monica in her arms Carol realises just how long two years is.

“Not-so-little Lieutenant Trouble, I’ve missed you.” She hugs her again.

Monica is nearly as tall as her now. The same beautiful cascading curls falling about her face and her dark eyes that remind Carol so much of her mother. 

“I knew you’d come back, Mom told me not to get my hopes up but every day I stare up at the stars knowing you’ll never let us down.” 

In that one sentence Monica unknowingly confirms Carols dreams are not just mixed up fantasies but real memories of the past Carol and Maria shared. Carol feels the deepest level of guilt when she understands the sacrifices Maria has made for her, and she knows she probably would continue to make. 

Monica drags her inside, excitedly chatting away about everything she’s missed. For moment, she just revels in the feeling of being _home._ Monica, Maria and this little house in Louisiana give her heart a measure of peace she has not felt in two years.

Carol and Monica make their way to Maria’s bedroom, and the blonde feels an anticipation which grips her every fibre.

She wants to be perfect and stops Monica before they walk in.

She double checks her reflection in the mirror. She curses herself for her earlier landing which left specks of mud across her cheek. She rushes to rub away the dirt and runs her fingers through her hair to try and make herself presentable.

Monica giggles when she notices Carol straightening her suit. Carol realises that perhaps it was obvious to everyone but her, that Maria was never just her “best friend”.

The young girl helps rub away some debris off her face, always every bit Carol’s biggest supporter.

“How do I look?” The blonde whispers suddenly nervous.

Monica exaggeratedly looks her up and down before pulling the zip of her suit down a little, showing some skin.

“Like a superhero.” She responds with a wink before opening the door ahead of them.

When the door opens, Carol is immediately breathless because Maria is no longer a memory and fantasy in her mind, but standing within reach, real and more beautiful than her mind could ever conjure up.

She stands with her back to them, in a fitting black dress, and Carol can see her face in the mirror. Maria is wearing makeup, and there’s heels by her bed and Carol’s mouth is suddenly dry because she’s never seen her like this.

Monica nudges her when the words fail to come out her mouth.

Carol catches Maria’s eyes in the mirror, and the dark-skinned woman drops the necklace she was attempting to put on as pure shock wipes across her features.

“How goes the day, Captain?” Carol says with a flirtatious, cocky smirk on her face. The blonde wiggles her eyebrows for good measure as she takes in the length of her.

With another little nudge from Monica at her side, Carol stalks up to her and pulls Maria into her arms. For a moment, everything is right in the world, and her mind and spirit are at rest. She smells like home and Carol holds her tight.

“You came back.” Maria whispers burying her face into blonde locks.

“How could I stay away, when I left my heart behind?” Carol admits unable to keep it to herself another moment.  

Maria pulls back immediately and stares deeply into her eyes, searching for the true meaning behind those words.

There are tears building in dark eyes and Carol wants to say everything she had rehearsed on her journey to earth, but the words fail her and all she wants to do is kiss her, wondering if it will feel as it does in her dreams.

Before she can, they are interrupted by a knock downstairs and the door opening.

A man’s voice carries its way up to them.

“Monica, Maria, are you guys ready yet?”

Carol recognises the voice but she’s unable to piece together where she knows it from.

More than that, there’s a guilty look in Maria’s eyes and Monica is suddenly shifting uncomfortably at the door. The dress, the shoes, the perfume; it finally clicks in Carol’s mind. She’s going on a date.

To say she is devastated is an understatement, and she’s unable to stop the tears which gather in her eyes. She knows she has no right to be upset but regardless of her superpowers she’s still only human, and her heart breaks as she steps back.

“You look beautiful.” Carol says taking another step back, unable to be surrounded by Maria’s intoxicating aura.

“Carol.” Maria knows Carol knows about them. She’s always been easy for Maria to read. Carol remembers how easily she had seen through her confident façade when they first met, how she knew that Carol loved her before even Carol knew herself. Maria knows.

“Monica go and greet your father, we’ll be down in a minute.”

The penny drops and it’s devastating for Carol all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think about Frank's appearance? Our poor baby Carol :(


	3. Recollection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol and Maria are forced to confront the past.

**Recollection**

Carol hears Monica groan, and it’s clear she wants to remain with Carol. In her memories they were always inseparable and even now after two more years apart, Monica clings to her.

“Frank’s back.”

Words fall out of her mouth in a disgusted tone she doesn’t understand. She searches her mind for any recollection of ‘Frank’, but nothing comes to mind except, the growing fury which she feels. Her emotions are like muscle memory, she doesn’t know why but her spirit remembers that there is animosity between her and this man.

“When did that happen?”

She’s asking Maria but its Monica who responds, and Maria says nothing just looks back to her.

“It’s been about a year, he’s been asking mom out for months and she finally said yes. I think she just wanted to shut him up.” Monica reveals.

“Monica, go.” Her mother demands in a no-nonsense tone and the young girl disappears swiftly.

“Hell of a way to shut him up.” Carol says with a hint of jealousy, looking Maria up and down.

“He’s different than before, and despite everything else, Monica’s happy with him around.” Maria explains turning around.

Carol moves to sit down but the only seat available is the bed, and for some reason it now feels wrong to sit there, too intimate. So, she shifts her weight from foot to foot, unsure of what comes next.

“It’s only natural Monica wants her father around, but do you?” Carol wonders curiously.

“I need _someone_.” There’s an under layer of accusation behind her words and Carol doesn’t miss it.

“I can’t spend another six years alone, mourning like a sad widow.” Her words are heavy, and she’s hurt, more hurt than she wants Carol to see.

Carol never takes her eyes off her, and she’s refusing to meet her eyes instead focusing on trying to put the formerly discarded necklace on.

They are dancing around each other, skirting around the topic, both afraid to bite the bullet.

Carol moves behind her, closer than she probably should be and takes the necklace from Maria’s shaking hands. There’s quiet as she hooks it on and her hands can’t help but linger at her long neck, and down the chocolate landscape of her back.

The moment is charged, however there is a staggering heart break in the air around them which suffocates them.

Carol feels dizzy so close to her, engulfed in her perfume and that spicy scent that is just her.

She walks away to the window to watch Monica who is now talking with her father on the garden swing. Looking at his face triggers memories she’s sure she purposely attempted to forget. She recalls explosive arguments between them, her yelling down the phone at him to come and see his daughter, Maria catching a flying fist aimed for his face; and Maria’s in tears. Then, there’s a vision of her pledging to always be there for Monica and a U-Haul truck filled with her things moving into their home.

“ _You’ll never be alone, she will always have me, I’ll never leav – ”_ She whispers out the words without realising. Her mouth speaks as if she was back in that moment, Maria with silent tears falling down her face wondering how she was going to raise her little baby alone.

“…I’ll never leave you like he did.” Maria finished recollecting her words from over a decade ago now.

A shame and guilt settle deep in the pit of Carol’s stomach. She left them in the worst way possible. Although she was alive, the Carol that spoke those words had _died._ Out of the rubble this Carol was born and had forgotten the most important people in her life, forgotten the very fabric of her DNA.

“What happened is not your fault. I don’t blame you for it, and neither should you.” Maria speaks coming to join her by the window.

“Shouldn’t I?” Carol’s voice barely conceals her pain.

“I forgot you, I forgot _us_.” She turns her head and drinks in Maria’s form. Her big sad eyes, thick lips and glistening rich dark skin.  

Maria was being strong, she may well have come to terms with it but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, and that was clear in her distant expression.

Carol was starting to regret her return. She had been so wrapped up in the _love_ of it all, she hadn’t thought about the implications of it. She would still have to return to her mission, and leave them once more, she couldn’t expect Maria to wait; she deserved more than anyone to be loved by someone who could be present. Carol would always love her and would always want to be with her, but she was starting to realise how impossible that all seemed now.

“You came back though, didn’t you? How much room is there for blame when you fought your way back to us?”

A hand tugs at her own and they both stare down at their entwined fingers, and how they seemed to fit perfectly together.

“You deserve someone better than him.” She says squeezing at their hands.

A light chuckle escapes Maria’s lips and Carol knows she’s frowning and staring daggers at Frank like a stubborn teenager.

“You said that back then too.”

Carol sighs and turns her attention back to Maria. She can’t spend another second thinking about Frank and decides to confront the issue that bought her back to Louisiana.


	4. Reconnection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tender moments of forgiveness and reconciliation between two former lovers.

**Reconnection**

“Why didn’t you tell me about us?” Carol says finally with enough nerve to confront her feelings.

Maria meets her eyes in surprise, not expecting her to ever directly speak upon it.

Her mouth falls open and close a few times before any words came out.

“You belong to the stars, I could never keep you. You wouldn’t be the woman I’m in love with if I’d  allowed you to stay here, whilst there were others in peril.”

Another hand rises to her cheek. Her thumb strokes softly over her skin and across her lips. In dark swirling mahogany eyes, Carol can see everything Maria has been holding back. Years of silently grieving for her lost lover, both from death and from memory loss. It is intense as she bares her soul out to her.

“The woman you’re in love with?” She hadn’t missed the words, neither had her heart, which now raced at what felt like a thousand beats a minute.

Maria smiles the most heart-breaking smile.

“Yes, the woman I’m in love with.” Maria reaffirms.

She’s open and vulnerable despite all the pain that their relationship has bought about.

Carol wants to kiss her, has wanted to do that for far longer than she can stand. So, she asks her, holding her by the waist in one hand and resting the other on her neck.

“Can I?”

Her eyes flicker momentarily out the window and Carol see’s the turmoil in her eyes. She’s considering it, and maybe overthinking it, always deep thinker and sometimes to her detriment.

Yet, she’s unable to resist and knows Carol won’t do it if she says no, but Maria hesitantly closes the distance between them despite her reservations.

Years of frustration melt away in the meeting of their lips, and Carol pushes her gently against the wall beside the window. Even when they had been together, they had to keep it a secret; and when they did steal kisses, they were always hyperaware to ensure no one was around to see them. Not only for their privacy, but for their safety too. This time as the passionately push against each other, savouring the taste of the other, they hide away from Frank and Monica because they both do not know what their future together looks like.

Maria’s lips feel unbelievably better than she recalls and fantasizes about, and when she pulls away, Carol is staring right into the haunting eyes she left behind long ago.

“I’m so sorry,” she mumbles, not sure exactly why. Confusing feelings of old are creeping back up on her, and she has the urge to apologize.

“No,” Maria breathlessly refuses against her lips.  

Maria pulls back enough to focus on Carol’s eyes.

“Don’t you dare apologize. This happened to you, you didn’t cause this, any of it.”

Carol rests her forehead against hers and there’s salty tears she didn’t know escaped her eyes in her mouth.

“Please.” She pleads.

Maria is alarmed because she’s never seen her like this, and the chaos in her eyes tells her she’s just as broken as she was the last time she appeared on her doorstep with no idea who she was.

Because of this, she gives her what she needs.

“I forgive you, completely and with all my heart.” Maria responds.

Just like that, Carol knows she won’t be able to stay away ever again. Maria’s hair feels gloriously soft against her fingertips. She can't help but run her fingers through it and play with the baby curls at the back of her neck.

“I miss you every day, and some days I think I’ll drown in the sorrow of it… but it keeps me going to know you are out there doing what you were born to do.”

It’s a frightening admission because she knows Carol can’t stay, she won’t let her. It doesn’t scare Carol away and the blonde pulls her impossibly closer. Maria Rambeau, the woman who knows her truly, knows what she has done, what she can do; and who somehow still looks at her with tenderness.

Carol gives in easily.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts!


	5. Recall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol recalls upon a pivotal moment in her relationship with Maria.

**Recall**

Their kisses are in frantic succession and heat pulses through Carol’s body in waves. Maria whimpers when Carol’s feverish tongue meets the spot at her neck that has her knees buckling.

Maria’s hair is a mess but neither of them seem to care as they lose themselves in one another. They grab at each other, pulling in close. Maria pulls Carol’s zip down further and then they’re heading for the bed. Carol straddles her thighs and hands cup her ass without hesitation.

They kiss for what feels like hours, groping each other but not much else. They’re just getting reacquainted again after many, _many_ , years apart. For so long Carol’s spirit wrestled with the memories of Maria. It’s almost incomprehensible that she’s here now, soft skin against her own, breathy moans in her ear; as real as anything.

Her mind conjures up flashbacks of them together the very first time after a long time of skirting around each other. Carol had driven them back to Maria’s after a drunken night of karaoke. Carol remembers how she shivered when Maria let her fingers run lightly over her wrist attempting weakly to grab back her house keys from her.

She’d playfully kept toying with her and laughed at each failed attempt of Maria retrieving her keys.

“Danvers enough, it’s freezing out here.” She’d complained not too seriously.

“Why, you gonna make me drop and give you 20, Captain?” Carol had flirted shamelessly, smirking at the way Maria avoided her eyes.  

What she hadn’t expected was for Maria to bite back.

“No, but I may reward you if comply with instructions.” Carol remembers how furiously her cheeks blushed.

“How?” Carol dared.

“How about you give me those keys and you’ll find out.” Her voice was huskier than it ever had been.

There had been an ultimatum in Maria’s eyes and Carol never could resist a challenge.

“And what’s my punishment if I don’t, _Captain Rambeau_.” Carol said dropping the keys down her top.

Carol had expected Maria to laugh away the moment, as with many of Carol’s failed flirting attempts. Yet, this time all playful jesting stopped, and Maria’s eyes had turned dark. Carol never expected their first kiss, but she revelled in the experience regardless.

After, they rushed inside, furniture had been knocked over, clothes ripped apart and they fallen into bed with their limbs entangled. That was the day they officially stopped being _best friends_ and became something more entirely.

Their confessions came in the darkness of early morning long after they had fallen into bed together.

“I was wondering when you were going to pluck up the courage to finally kiss me.” Carol joked cockily with her lopsided smirk.

Maria laughed that beautiful hearty laugh Carol loved to drag out of her and that’s when she knew she was a goner.  

“I really like you.” Carol whispered into her skin.

“I got that part.” Maria giggled using her index finger at Carol’s chin to look into her eyes.

What Maria found hadn’t been the delighted crinkle of the edges of Carol’s eyes.

“No. I _really_ like you.” Carol had admitted gravely, like  _everything_  was at stake for her at that moment.

Maria hadn’t said anything at first. She needed to hear exactly what Carol meant, she’d push her until she revealed the truth she suspected for a long time.

“Where’s your head at?”

“Right here.” Carol answered.

“Then say what you mean.” Maria pushed.

“I love you.”

Maria’s beautiful features had spread into the most radiant smile, one Carol would come to never forget; would come to haunt her years later when her memories were stolen from her.

“And I love you, _Captain Danvers_.” She came to confess.

Then, they had kissed; shyly at first and desperately before long.


	6. Reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The future of is questioned.

**Reaction**

It’s when Maria’s fingers brush against Carol’s hard nipples that she’s bought out of her reverie. Remembering confessions of an age ago.  

“God. I can’t believe I ever forgot this,” Carol says wondrously as Maria rakes her teeth across her throat; making her moan echo through the room.

She feels Maria smirk against her skin and uses her strength to flip them over easily. Maria lays on her back with Carol hovering above and with a twinkle in her eye.

“God, you’re beautiful,” Maria repeats Carol’s earlier statement, her voice so full of affection that trembles.

She’s caught off guard because she’s not used to this kind of attention from any one.  She can’t recall anyone ever looking at her this way, like a blind man seeing the sun set for the first time. No one had, no one except for Maria.

Carol never takes her eyes off her as she brings a knee between Maria’s thighs making her breath hitch. She can tell Maria is ablaze and she’s so close already, even with the little they’ve actually touched.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Maria murmurs breathlessly.

“Like what?” She says with her characteristic smirk.

“Smug.”

Carol laughs and arches a knowing eyebrow.

“Shouldn’t I be?” Then, its Maria’s turn to laugh this time.

A seriousness takes over her expression shortly after, however.

“Stay?” Carol’s not sure if it’s a demand or a request but she nods anyway.

Maria kisses her again making her forget everything; letting go of her responsibilities if only for a moment.  The kisses are slow now, each woman taking their time reconnecting and making up for lost time. Each movement is romantic as it erotic and things heat up again.  

“I’m not sure we should,” she manages between kisses, while snaking a hand up her thighs under her dress.

“We definitely probably shouldn’t,” Maria agrees despite pulling Carol’s full weight on top of her.

They refuse to think about the consequences of their actions. They exist in this moment and what happens in the future they will deal with when it comes. Tomorrow isn’t promised and they both know it’s probably the last moment they will get; because Carol is still Captain Marvel and Maria still has her life on earth.

So they continue and whether they were truly planning on stopping is never answered when they both freeze hearing Monica’s fast footsteps heading for Maria’s bedroom door.

“Do something!” Maria hisses.

In Carol’s state of panic, she blasts the bottom of the cupboard by the door; efficiently sending it knocking over and blocking the door.

They pull apart like teenagers caught in the act and Monica’s rattling of the doors sobers them from the high of each other.

They attempt to fix their clothes, hair and everything else they knocked around in the commotion of their reunion.

“Mom! Auntie Carol are you okay?” Monica questions alarmed.

“Uhm, yeah – sorry, Trouble, my fault – my powers just knocked over some furniture.” Carol stutters.

“Ok, well Dad’s wondering if mom’s ready yet?”

Carol and Maria’s eyes find one another. A thousand words in each of their eyes and Maria’s begging her for something.

_Permission?_

_A reason not to go?_

So, Carol gives her both. She removes the cupboard obstructing the door and turns back to Maria, who’s fearful for the first time in Carol’s memory.

“I promise to be here when you come back.” She vows.

This time she watches Maria leave, and gets a little understanding of what it feels like to be the one left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think? Should I continue on or leave it as these short few chapters?


	7. Monica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into the Carol and Monica's relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided I couldn't leave it alone, so get ready for a angsty journey through Carol and Maria's lives!

**Monica**

Whilst Maria and Monica are away, she passes the time by fixing the cupboard she broke in the bedroom. She even tidies up a little, all very homely domestic things she never really imagined herself doing. Although her earlier life with her family wasn’t in this house, as she walks around it feels like home. It’s a strange feeling; the feeling of belonging completely.

She wonders around and finds a box with her things labelled, ‘Auntie Carol’. It warms her heart that despite her absence, Monica still cares unyieldingly. In the box there are the things she remembers from the last time she was on earth, yet Monica or Maria have added to it. There are the clothes she arrived in when she was still _Vers_ , the pictures that Monica took of them, Goose and Talos’ family; and then there two images she knows she definitely did not see last time.

The first captures a moment where Carol sits with Monica on her lap, and a badly made crown on her head which reads ‘Mama’, in a toddler’s messy script. A series of memories bombard her mind and once again she finds herself shocked at the true depth of her past with her family.

First, she remembers the day the image was taken. It’s in flashes but she knows it was Mother’s day and Monica was no older than four. She remembers Monica’s drawings of their little family of three, papier-mâché planes and cards. Most of all, she can recall the feeling of absolute joy that filled her that day, and tears form in her eyes. She cries because Carol Danvers was somebody to Maria and Monica. She was important.

Next, she recalls Monica’s first few words and how ‘Mama’ was used to refer to both Maria and herself. She remembers the conscious decision, made a year later between the two women, that it would be less conspicuous if they referred to her as ‘Auntie Carol’.

The conversation had been bought about once their relationship shifted to something beyond friendship. Carol had already been living with them, and essentially functioning as a family long before the fateful day they kissed and professed their love.  

The emotions the memory brings sweep through her like a hurricane. Carol was more to Monica than her mother’s best friend, her favourite aunt or her mother’s lover; she was her mother. It is both elating and completely crushing.

It makes sense that Monica is the key to her memories. More memories come flooding to her consciousness; birthdays, Christmases and glorious family days out.

It’s with that one image the weight of her position truly dawns on her, and now she struggles with the decisions she will have to make. She made promises to both Maria and Monica; vows that she unknowingly broke but pledges all the same.

The second image Carol understands why it was hidden from her, it is a worn-around-the-edges photobooth picture where she and Maria’s lips are locked in a playful kiss. Carol’s eyes are slightly open and she’s smirking, and although she doesn’t remember anything about that moment, she knows the smile on her face is because she was in the deepest of love.

All the memories have her head reeling and as much joy as they bring, they equally cause the most profound sadness within the superhuman. Carol realises that leaving them the next time will be the hardest decision she will ever make, because she remembers, she may not remember it all, but she knows enough.

She’s a swirl of dangerous emotions; rage, guilt, shock and profound sadness. These emotions stir up the fury she has at the Kree. It was a true violation of life by turning her into something else for their war, but the ultimate violation was stealing her memories from her. Her hands shake and she is furious because they took her away from her family. A family that needed her.

She wants to fly out immediately and hunt every single Kree down to make them pay for what they did. She knows that it goes against everything in her DNA but the rage within her blinds her for a time. She remembers Lawson’s words as she struggles with the storm inside of her.

_We don’t fight wars, we end them._

Then, she remembers Yon Rogg’s _lessons_ , of how she should control her emotions, how her emotions make her weak. She knows he isn’t right but he’s in her head, his blood runs through her veins, so can never shake him off, even if he is gone.

It’s tormenting for Carol to have so many voices in her head and half formed memories. She comes to realise that this trip may be the most important of her life, because she can finally find who she is going to be by finding who she was. This time it will be more profound because it is her choice to seek out what she has been missing.

Despite the late hour and long journey, Carol sits up anxiously at the kitchen table. The collective of old memories returned having near exhausted her but consistently play about her mind. She’s somewhat moving past her pain or at least has quelled it enough to stop her from going on murderous rampage.

Soon enough, she hears a car pull up to the house and before the car has even halted, she hears Monica’s footsteps rushing out and pitter pattering into the house.

As Monica runs and jumps on her she feels most of her turmoil subside. The curly-haired girl’s positive energy has always radiated light to everyone around her, and at this time, when she needs it most of all, Carol is so grateful to have her.

“You’re still here.” Monica whispers holding her tightly.

“I wouldn’t leave you without saying goodbye, Lieutenant Trouble .”

She walks over to the window, curious about what is going on outside with Maria and Frank. Again, the earlier feelings of vexation regarding Frank flow through Carol. She wants to know her history with him, and she’s sure the memories will flow back when she gets a better look at him, but she watches them for more than a memory, she’s intrigued by his relationship with Maria.

Monica soon captures her attention as she starts to chatter on about what seems to be a million things at once. Only a small part of the blonde’s mind is interested in what might be going on outside. It’s a date after all, even if she has spent a long time away from earth, she remembers how dates often end in a kiss, or more. Only a small part of her is jealous, she tells herself.

Minutes later she finally hears the front door open, and her attention is immediately on the dark-skinned woman. She’s rendered breathless for a moment, looking at just how beautiful Maria is in her dress. Even now Carol’s not completely convinced she’s really in Louisiana with her family, and there’s a great fear inside her that this is one long beautiful nightmare.

Maria’s eyes meet her the minute she passes the threshold of the door.

“You’re still here.” She says echoing Monica’s words.

It’s in Maria’s hopeful tone that Carol understands she is not the only one who can not quite believe the reality they find themselves in.

Their moment is interrupted by Frank hurriedly following Maria in.

“Are you sure I can’t come in for – ”

He’s in the middle of his sentence when he notices Carol.    
  
“Yes, Frank I’m sure.” Maria responds softly to him.

The air around them becomes uncomfortably awkward for all the adults.

Carol regards Frank. He’s a lot older than what she can recall of him. Looking at him jogs her memory a bit more, and she knows there isn’t much to remember. She’s been through all the visible photographs around the house and there’s only one with him in, that says enough. From the impressions she does have, she remembers an arrogant and callous young man, who always rubbed her the wrong way. She can’t be totally sure whether he caused the vexing emotions within her or whether it was borne from a jealousy regarding Maria.

The awkwardness stretches out for a long few seconds before anyone speaks.

“Carol. Right.”

Carol can’t help the smirk that forms on her face, slightly amused by the strange situation they are in. If she’s honest with herself, she’s a little smug that Maria is sending him away, for some reason it feels like a win, a petty win albeit.

“Frank.” Carol responds in a similar unpleasant tone which he greeted her with.  

Carol can tell her smile irritates him and it only serves for a wider grin.

“Monica hasn’t stopped talking about you all night. I should have guessed you were still here.”

“I’m not one to leave, you know that.” Carol can’t resist the little dig she sends his way.

He laughs humourlessly and his dark eyes turn annoyed very quickly.

“Monica, go and get ready for bed.” Maria instructs anticipating the moment the exchange in front of her will turn for the worst.

Monica’s mouth opens to protest but even she can sense the palpable tension in the air.

“Auntie Carol will you come read me a story like you used to?”

Carol agrees easily as Monica grips her in a bear hug and gives her the puppy dog eyes.

“I thought you said you were too big for bedtime stories.” Frank says playfully but Carol catches the annoyance in his tone.

“I am but it was always our special time.”

Monica embraces him and Maria and it hurts Carol more than she would admit seeing Frank with them. Carol knows Frank purposefully looks at her as he pulls Maria and Monica in a little tighter, it’s his retaliation at her and Carol barely holds in her eye roll.

Monica disappears to her room and they are left in silence again.

Carol can tell this rivalry between her and Frank is something, that even after all the years apart, is only more volatile. Before they were both vying for Maria’s attention and now Monica may find herself in the middle.   


	8. Maria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An explosive meeting between Carol and Frank occurs.

**Maria**

Carol embraces Maria when she walks further into the room. She pulls her in close and it’s not to be petty but because it’s something she doesn’t get to do every day, and so when she can, she does.

“I heard you were just passing by.” Frank speaks trying to make small talk but in a tone intended to get a reaction.

Carol bites her tongue _only_ because of the look Maria gives them both.

“Frank, let’s not ruin a good night.” Maria warns removing her coat and heels.

Carol senses this undercurrent of petty insults has always been the way between them.

“You’re right. It’s been a long time Carol, I hope we can put the past behind us.” He says offering her his hand.

Carol looks to Maria and there’s hope in her dark eyes. She’s pleading with her to accept his peace offering but something within her is nagging at her chest.

She looks back to him and thinks of what he is asking of her.

He had been a flaky, selfish and jealous boyfriend at best. When Maria had gotten pregnant, he’d been better for a short time but quickly he became worse. He hadn’t ever been present at doctors’ appointments, he was unreliable and irresponsible. That was all before Monica was born. Carol remembers how he left Maria within the first month of Monica’s life and just how devastating that was for a 19-year-old girl; alone and still pursuing her dreams of being a pilot.

“Only for Maria and Monica’s sake. I suppose I can be civil.” Carol attempts to keep her distain out of her voice but there’s something about him that infuriates her.

“I’m not the same man you remember. I was a lost little boy who didn’t know any better.” Frank responds with surprising humility.

“And now you do?”

Carol wants to see what Maria sees in him but as she recalls more about him, she finds herself unable to even try and forgive him for the past.

 

 “Yes, I do. I’m finally the man Maria wanted me to be all those years ago.”

Carol stares at him hard, trying to decipher just how truthful his words are. She’s more than annoyed at this point, there’s a swirl of emotions she’s fighting to keep from snapping at him.

“It only took you – what? 12 years to come crawling back with your tail tucked between your legs.” She says sarcastically.

Maria huffs but says nothing, knowing the two had to hash it out before they could move beyond the pain of the past.

“I don’t have to explain anything to you. What’s between me and _my_ family is – ” His voice is cold.

“Frank.” Maria reprimands.

“No, let him finish. I want to see this _changed_ Frank.”

The way he looks at her brings up a rage from an age ago. Carol remembers all times Maria cried over him, every time he disappointed her and Monica. She could never forgive him for throwing away the people she loved.    

Before they snap at each other Monica appears again.

“I was wondering if maybe I could get the day off school tomorrow?” She says unsure what she has really walked into.

“No- Monica go to bed.” Frank is unable to hide his frustration.  

“Don’t you dare speak to her like that.” Carol hits back at him, and all the anger that she had been containing rushes through.

Monica reads the situation in front of her quickly and disappears back into the direction she came from.

“She’s _my_ daughter!” He strains.

She’s enraged by his words because she remembers the day he left his wife and daughter. Carol had been the one to find him, a drunken mess hurling profanity at her. He blamed Carol for the failure in his relationship, but she knew he didn’t want the responsibility of being a family man. Despite this, she’d washed, fed and sobered him up. She begged him to stay, offered to back away from Maria if it meant he would stay; she knew Maria loved and needed him, and he had left anyway.  

“Carol was there when you weren’t. I’ve already told you I won’t accept any disrespect –”

He interrupts her and this has Carol’s storming towards him, but Maria catches her wrist, and it’s taking everything in her to not hit him.

“Yes, because she always comes first, she _always_ _has,_ right _?_ ”

It’s more a statement than a question.

He calls them out. Carol feels Maria stiffen beside her and she knows she needs to be careful with what she says, as furious as she is, she knows its Maria’s decision on what people know about their relationship.

Maria doesn’t speak but her eyes water and she sees him breaking her heart all over again.

There’s a long beat of silence. Emotions are high and in the quiet its heavy breathing and furious eyes.

“No, Monica comes first, that’s something you have NEVER understood. _I_ changed her diapers, _I_ taught her to read and ride a bike. _I_ was there, she’s my daughter too.”

She clenches her jaw because her fury is barely contained.

“This is about Maria and we all know it.”

It feels all too familiar, this pushing and pulling over Maria. Carol’s spiralling quickly. Maybe it’s the situation or the past but she’s struggling, and she wants to lash out. For the first time in a long time she feels completely out of control.

 “You left, Frank! I begged you not to and you walked away anyway. I took up what you abandoned, so no, you don’t get to be upset that I was there then, and that I’m here now.” She snaps.

He’s rendered speechless for a moment, the truth hitting hard.

“You’re no better than me though…” His voice raises to match her own fervour.

“Frank.” Maria warns.

He’s in dangerous territory and Maria’s hand grips her wrist a little tighter.

He turns his dark eyes to Carol.

“…I haven’t seen you or heard from you the entire time I’ve been here. You abandoned and let them down, the same as me, so let’s not pretend that you hate me because of it.”

“Frank that’s enough.” Maria stands between them.

Maria’s pleas are useless because he spits out every word poisonously.  

“You hate me because a part of you has always known that I can give her the life you can’t. Despite all my flaws I’m better for her than you and I always will be.”

Carol’s flying punch is caught by Maria’s steady hands.

Despite her powers, Maria’s grip is tight and its her intense stare that is keeping Carol from this all-consuming rage overtaking her.  

“Frank, just go.” She says not taking her eyes from Carol’s own.

There are a few moments of absolute silence before he gathers himself and storms out with final slam of the door.


	9. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol is finally confronted with what has been causing her emotional turmoil.

  **Home**

Carol knows anger, she’s known it all her life, intimately. Yet, this rage is something different. The temper is new, it’s like a bright red heat drowning her in rage, and she feels it prickling at her skin not much dissimilar to her powers.

She feels everything and it’s overwhelming. Frank’s words won’t stop replaying in her mind and his voice only seems to get louder.

_I can give her the life you can’t._

_I’m better for her than you and I always will be._

“What’s this really about?” Maria asks looking into Carol’s confused brown eyes.  
  
“He left you!” She snaps.

Carol’s not angry at Maria but she’s frustrated and can’t understand how she could ever allow him back.

“He left and you let him back.” There’s accusation in her voice. She knows she has no right to question Maria’s decisions. She wasn’t there either, she didn’t remember loving her and even though it’s not her fault; it still happened.  
  
“Exactly, he left _me_.” Maria’s dark expressive eyes reveal a hurt that Carol didn’t expect.

“This isn’t about Frank.” Maria states but Carol can not shake the anger he had stirred up in her.

“This is all about Frank.” She says stubbornly.

“I don’t ever remember you getting this dressed up for me!” She accuses.

“That’s because you couldn’t take me anywhere! We were forced to live in secrecy like we were doing something wrong.”

She huffs in frustration.

“We don’t speak to each other like this. This isn’t us.” Maria takes a calming breath.  
  
“And I’m not me. I’m a half version of the woman you remember. I still don’t know who she is and maybe I never will.”  

Carol is reminded of just how impossible it is for them to have a sustainable future together. Carol Danvers died and Vers was born, and she may have salvaged enough memories to move on as the superhero, she was no longer the Carol who could promise Maria the future.

“I’ll love whatever version of you there is, because its your soul that I love.” Maria admits to lost and frightened honey brown eyes.

“What if you love him more, what if he replaces me in your heart?” Her voice is small. She’s vulnerable in a way Maria never though she would see again and something about the question cuts deep.   

Carol’s desperately holding onto her family for dear life. They are her lifeline, her gravity and centre. The thought of losing them to someone who threw them away hurts beyond any words she can express.

“Is that what this is about?” she asks softer.

Carol refuses to meet her eyes. She’s afraid of what she might find staring back at her.

“You think he’s going to replace you.” Maria can barely believe Carol’s revelation.

She sighs with something akin to relief and it confuses Carol.

“What?”

“You’re irreplaceable in our hearts. We haven’t forgotten what you did for us, we never could, and you know that.”

She finally looks to Maria’s eyes and there’s not a trace of anger in them.

“You used to tell me that we were meant to be together. You told me it was written in the stars.”

Maria’s there like a rock; never moving, ever supportive and always loving.

Maria leads her to her bedroom and she’s not sure where this is heading until she goes in her bedside drawer and pulls out an old letter.

“Monica worships you. You’ll never replaced in her heart any more than you can be replaced in mine.”

She hands her the letter and Carol begins to read it.

_Dear Auntie Carol,_

_For my homework my teacher told us to write letters to people we love. I wrote one to mom, but I wanted to write one to you because I love you too. I miss you every day, and so does mom, and I know it makes her sad even though she tries to hide it from me. Sometimes I see her looking in your things, she wears your favourite shirt still and sometimes she cries when she thinks I’m asleep._

_We haven’t forgotten you. Even though mom doesn’t like to talk about you she says we must never forget you. I know mom says you are gone forever but sometimes I dream that you escaped the accident and you’re somewhere in space trying to come back to us. If you are somewhere in the sky, even just for one day please please come and see us.  It will be my 10 th birthday soon and your gifts were always my favourite, so maybe you can just come for my birthday. If you can’t come for me then just mom, even just to say goodbye so she won’t be so sad anymore. _

_Mom says that I remind her of you. She says I have destiny in my eyes like you did. I’m not sure what that means but I can tell it makes her happy and sad at the same time. I want to make you proud so I try my hardest at school, I do my best to make mom laugh and one day I’m going to be an astronaut so I can come and find you. When I do, I’ll bring you home and maybe the world will be different, and mom and you can be together like everybody else. I hope one day someone can love me like you love each other._

_Love you,_

_Monica._

_P.S. You would be so proud of mom, she says even though she doesn’t have get to have the skies anymore, she gets to build the engines that get us there. She’s supermom._

By the time she reaches the end her tears are uncontrollable because she could never have imagined she could have been loved so completely.

“I’m so sorry.” Carol breaks down for what feels like the millionth time that day. A few hours on earth and she’s a catastrophe of emotions and she wonders how she had been surviving with such turmoil inside her.

“Why aren’t you angry with me, you should be angry with me.”

Maria pulls her in close. Carol can hear Maria’s heart beating from her position on her chest, and it’s the strangest and strongest calming sensation she’s ever felt.

“For what reason? I had time to grieve and be angry with you. Six years of it. You’ve had considerably less time to come to terms with things. I understand that being here with us, brings back a lot. I won’t fault you for your grief. You may be able to shoot fire out your hands, but you still feel emotions like the rest of us. Grief isn’t one emotion, it’s a rainbow of everything – a journey that cannot be avoided.”  

“What am I grieving?” She whispers.

“Carol. The Carol that died in that crash before this one was born. You’re grieving her life, her dreams and her memories.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know your thoughts! Dare I continue on this angsty journey?


	10. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol and Monica have a heart to heart, and reflect upon their past.

**Family**

Maria holds Carol as the emotions drown her at once. She holds her for so long that Carol wonders if she isn’t uncomfortable; but knowing Maria, she would hold her until the sun came up.

Eventually they do part, and Monica appears by the door clearly wanting to join them but unsure.

Carol’s suddenly anxious; Monica definitely heard the spat with Frank, and raised voices were sure to travel far in their home. Although reading Monica’s letter reinforced Monica’s love for Carol, she has no idea what her relationship with Frank is like. Carol is afraid to know her thoughts on it.

Maria calls Monica over and Carol’s heart sinks a little when the young girl nervously hangs by the door. She studies the two women curiously before something in her mind settles and she finally moves towards them.

Any apprehension Carol has vanishes as they all engage in the most soul-warming hug she’s ever experienced. With this, Carol manages to piece herself together again, and she’s eternally grateful for her little family; she knows that in this moment they are all that are holding her together.

“Hey Trouble,” Carol whispers burying her face into curly hair and squeezing a little tighter.

They sit in quiet for a time, embracing and healing from all the time apart.

“How about I make us all some hot coco like old times?” Maria offers.

Carol and Monica nod enthusiastically and Maria leaves them alone.

When Carol looks back at Monica, she sees her dark eye’s studying her. She notices Monica has her mother’s eyes, not just in their physical appearance but in their expression; they demand honesty.

“Are you angry with me Auntie Carol?” She asks with the earlier nervousness in her expression.

“Why would I be angry with _you,_ baby?”

Carol can scarcely believe her ears.

Monica’s eyes glisten with tears and she looks away from Carol.

“Well, it’s my fault that Frank’s here. I was the one that got his number from Nana and called him. Mom was so sad after you left again, I just thought that maybe she didn’t have to be alone while she waited for you.” Monica rushed the words out so fast Carol didn’t even know which part to begin addressing.

 _While she waited for you._ Those words pull at her heartstrings.

She takes her chin gently and waits until they lock gazes to speak.

“Oh Monica, I could never be angry or upset at you for wanting your father around and much less wanting him around for your mom. All I’ll ever want for you both is for you to be happy, however and whoever brings that doesn’t matter.” Carol reassures.

“I heard you all shouting.” She reveals.

“I know, I’m sorry for that. It’s just things between Frank, your mom and I are… complicated.”

Carol’s not sure how to talk about Frank without that familiar rising of anger. She would never understand how he could leave, how he could stay away. She had been forced to and even her subconscious knew something wasn’t right, she found her way back to them, broken and incomplete; but home all the same.  

“Both of us have been in and out of your lives, competing for the same position, and now with us both here at the same time it’s difficult to know where we all fit.” Carol explains honestly.

“We all fit together of course. You and Mom, Me and Dad. There’s enough love for everybody.” She says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“I wish it was that simple.”

There is a quiet that falls between them as Carol considers her words. A world in which they could all co-exist without harsh words and fists.

“You both love Mom, I get it.” She states matter-of-factly.

Carol’s eyes widen and she has no idea what to answer. How much Monica knows about her relationship with Maria is a mystery to her, and she doesn’t want to say the wrong thing.

“It’s okay, she knows.” Maria reassures the panicked blonde returning with mugs of hot chocolate.

When she holds the cooled drink, she knows Maria was standing listening before making her entrance.  

“I’m 13 Auntie Carol, I understand a lot more now.”

It dawns on Carol just how much she’s missed. No longer is Monica the little girl clinging to her legs and demanding a carry; or creeping into their bed because she had a nightmare. Her childhood is nearly over, and it breaks Carol’s heart into a million pieces that she missed so much.

“And what is it that you understand, because in all honesty kid, I’m struggling to make sense of things.”

Monica’s face spreads into a grin from ear to ear at Carol’s honesty.

“I know that our family isn’t like other families. I knew that when I was younger too. At first, I thought it was because our skin colours were different. I remember the way people would stare when we would go out just you and me.”

Carol recalled the few unpleasant faces that would look on at them in disgust. They assumed Monica was her biological daughter and a black man her father, and although no one ever said anything, the outrage had been clear in their eyes. They still lived in a backward time that was not tolerant of differences.

“Then at school, I noticed everyone else had a mom and dad, where as I had you two.”

When Carol looks at Maria, she sees pain in her eyes.

“What did you think about that?” Maria wonders.

“I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. I thought I was the luckiest kid in the world because you loved me, and I loved both of you so much.”

Carol and Maria can’t help the beaming smiles that spread across their faces.

“After the accident, Mom sat me down and told me she loved you, the same way my friends’ parents loved each other. I wasn’t surprised because I knew that already.”

Monica was the glue to the foundation of their family, and trust her to be the one to explain it to Carol and make it make sense.

A cloud forms in her eyes and her demeanour dims as she contemplates her next words.

“Then, mom was dismissed from the force and grandpa died. Things became really hard because it just seemed like everyone and everything, we loved was leaving us. Mom wouldn’t let me be sad. She did everything to pick us out of that place, she moved us here, but it did begin to feel like something was missing.”

Carol and Maria never actually discussed the dismissal or her father’s passing. It is painful to know she had to go through it all alone. Losing what she loved the most, in quick succession. Carol has always admired Maria’s strength, the type that is resilient through anything. Yet, she is disappointed and feels a level of shame that her family have suffered and somehow, they still find love in their heart for her. She feels guilt because all she has to offer them are weak apologies years later.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m even more sorry you had to go through it alone.” She offers to the both of them.

Maria listens intently and it’s clear this is also her first time hearing Monica discuss this.

“It’s ok, it’s not your fault, there’s nothing you could have done.” Maria assures.

Monica’s eyes evade both women and Carol can see that same apprehension in her from earlier.

“It’s alright, keep going.” Carol encourages her when she peeks up, with more clearly on her mind.

“We got you back, but you had to leave again. Grandpa was still gone, and Dad was… somewhere. I just thought that if he was around that feeling might go away, not just in me but in mom too, especially in mom.” She explained risking a look at her mother.

Maria’s expression is one of heartbreak. Her daughter’s heart never ceases to astonish her.

“Monica baby, I’ll admit things have been hard for us. We’ve lost a lot on this journey and many a time, you have been the strength for me. However, I don’t ever want you to think that I’ve been broken by it. You don’t have to fix me. Your presence alone has alleviated all my suffering. It is _my_ greatest job to try and make you happy.”

Maria pulls her in, and another hand finds Carol’s because this is about all of them.

“You _have_ made me happy. You’ve given me everything and more. Still, I did feel like something had been taken from us, something was missing.”

Maria nods and her eyes portray a story of pain behind them.

“Did your father coming back make it go away?” Carol wonders.

Maria and Carol had discussed the absence of Monica’s father many times when she was very young. Maria had made her mind up that it didn’t matter that he was gone because Carol had taken up his responsibilities and there was more than enough love for Monica. Yet, Carol had always feared in the back of her mind that she wouldn’t ever be enough, and that’s why she tried so hard in Monica’s earliest years to get Frank to be involved.

“When Dad came back, it was hard at first, for all of us, but he kept coming back, kept trying. When that void didn’t go away, I was so angry with him that I stopped talking to him for a while.”

Understanding dawns on Maria’s features.

“Him being back did not make everything automatically better. Mom definitely wasn’t any happier. I really thought I ruined everything. Then she sat me down again, told me that I couldn’t fill the giant Auntie Carol shaped hole in my heart with him, it wouldn’t fit. So, after a while, we made a place for him in our lives, but that place wasn’t your place. You’re still the same to us, we love you.”

It’s heavy and unexpected but it’s a healing moment for all of them. Carol’s heart swells and she holds them once more.

“And I love you, both of you – so _fucking_ much.”

“Swear jar!” Monica says making them all laugh.

The way Carol laughs is wholehearted and warming. She is home. Not even Frank can change that, and she finds that the hate she has harboured for him disappears.


	11. Love at First Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol finds out what ties her so deeply to her small family.

**Love at First Sight**

“Does this mean I get to stay home from school tomorrow?” Monica asks with hope filling her eyes.

Her brown eyes plead with Carol and she’s 100% sure Monica asks her because she knows she’ll be powerless to say no. She sees her heart in those big brown eyes, she could never deny her anything.

Carol’s eyes find Maria’s and now wears the same hopeful expression as Monica.

“Does it?” Carol prompts Maria.

Maria considers it and she’s torn because obviously she wants them to spend time together since time has often been their enemy. The other part of her pulls towards no because their lives can’t stop every time Carol falls out of the sky otherwise, they’ll never move forward.

It’s not Carol that is left to deal with Monica’s concealed sadness. It’s not Carol that has to watch their daughter gaze up at the stars whispering all the names of the constellations night after night.

“Mom pleasseeee.” She whines contorting her face into the cutest sad face.

“You know that face doesn’t work on me.” Maria says humorously.

The face wasn’t intended for her mother, however. She gives Carol the puppy dog eyes, pleading with her to convince Maria.

With mischief twinkling in their eyes, they both turn and flash Maria their best puppy dog faces.

“I swear, any work she will miss I’ll teach her myself.”

Carol begs completely powerless to the spell Monica holds over her.

“It’ll be like old times.” Carol says as her mind flows back to Monica’s childhood.

In the preschool days, it had been Carol that sat down with her every night to teach her to read, to teach her about the stars and constellations.

“You remember?”

Monica’s joy at every time Carol recalls something gives her the motivation to keep digging through the past that was stolen from her.

“Some.” She nods.

“So, what do you say?” Carol asks Maria.

Maria laughs at the troublesome pair, and despite her reservations she agrees.

“Fine. Just tomorrow though.”

Carol and Monica high-five in triumph and they all burst into fits of giggling.

Through her laughter there is a tinge of sadness that flows through the dark-skinned woman. She can’t help the thought that these sorts of moments are fleeting and eventually Carol’s duty will tear her away from them again, with no promise of return.

“You know she’s had you wrapped around her little finger since she was born.” Maria begins once their laughs have subsided.

“That is not true- I _can_ say no, I’m sure I’ve said no before.” Carol tries to save face, despite knowing it is fact.

Monica gleams up at her with rascality glistening in her eyes.

“I’ve got to agree with mom on this one. Do you remember the day we went to the beach and you bought me every candy at the pier and let me eat it until I vomited purple?”

“Or better yet, your fifth birthday party. You’d been sure you wanted it Barbie themed, but when you realised _, the day before_ , there wasn’t a black barbie you suddenly wanted teenage ninja turtles. Carol went out and bought a new cake, new costumes and presents all because you had a change of heart.”

They teased Carol light-heartedly.

“Alright, alright. I guess you’re right.”

A seriousness comes over the blonde in that moment because she begins to remember exactly why she had been devoted to the not-so-little girl in front of her.

The mood switches as the mother and daughter duo notice the distant look in honey-brown eyes.

“What is it?” Maria asks suddenly worried.

“I think I remember when Monica was born.”

“What happened when I was born?” Monica wonders.

Carol struggles to grasp the memory to the full capacity. Maria see’s Carol’s difficulty and instead explains for her.

“You know, I told you that you arrived earlier than you were supposed to.” She begins as Monica and Carol listen completely intrigued by why the memory makes its way above ground now of all moments.

“My water broke in the middle of the night. Your father wasn’t home, and it just so happened Carol had come over that night and was asleep on the sofa. I really thought I was going have to drive myself to the hospital or have you right then and there in the bed. You were in a hurry to come out.”

As Maria explains, the memory becomes more vivid in Carol’s mind.

“I remember you screaming, I’d never been so terrified in my life.”

The fear of that day crept into her bones now, and her heart beat a little faster. They were both so young, with Maria only 19 and Carol 20. Despite all they had done to prepare they had no idea what they were doing.

“The pain had been worse than I expected. There was no time to go to the hospital either because the contractions escalated so quickly, I knew I would have had you in the car.”

Carol could recall running with towels, water and everything they learnt in the maternity classes.

“You were amazing that day.” Maria says taking Carol’s hand in her own.

“I’m amazing every day.” Carol responds wiggling her eyebrows playfully.

Yet, when she meets familiar dark eyes, she’s taken back by the pure adoration that pours out of them. It shakes her a little because with every moment in their presence, she’s pulled deeper into their lives. It scares her because she too has thoughts in the back of her mind taunting her; eventually she will have to leave, and she’s not sure how she will manage it.

“This day was something else though.” There’s a darkness to Maria’s words as she looks to Monica.

“She pulled you out into this world, and into my arms. She wept –”

“I did. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen… and I’ve seen the stars.”

Maria’s eyes glisten with unshed tears and something about that triggers the rest of Carol’s memory.

Carol’s heart begins beating anxiously faster because her mind conjures up the most horrific images. Maria passed out within a few minutes of holding Monica. She lost a lot of blood and she was pale, an almost grey-brown colour. Her eyes rolled into the back of head and Carol panicked because Maria had nearly been snatched away from her.

“Is that when you nearly died mom?” Monica asks softly, feeling the shift in the atmosphere.

Maria nods and curiously observes the blonde. She knows it had been more terrifying for Carol because she watched it all happen.

“Somehow – well, not somehow. Your Auntie Carol has been a superhero for far longer than she’s been able to shoot fire out her hands. She carried me, with her then normal human strength, and took you too; drove us to the hospital all the while keeping you safe, and me breathing.”

Carol manages to quell the building anxiety within her when she feels a squeeze on the hand Maria holds.

“Losing you was never an option.” Carol adds, her voice thick with emotion.

The words have meaning beyond the memory of Monica’s birth. It was affirmation that no matter what happened, Maria and Carol would always return to one another.  

“They operated on me the moment we got to the hospital. Even after that I didn’t get to really see my baby that first week because of all the complications. I just remember every time I opened my eyes, there you two were, thick as thieves, staring up at one another.”

Carol knows she didn’t leave Maria and Monica’s side the entire time they were at the hospital. She fed, bathed and watched over Monica like a hawk whilst Maria’s strength returned.

“I’d never seen anyone more in love than the two of you.” She finished looking at them lovingly, almost like she couldn’t really believe her life.

Carol’s heart ached recollecting the beginning of Monica’s beautiful life. It ached at how much she’d missed and would continue to miss. It made sense that Carol was so plagued back with the Kree and even on her latest mission. Her emotional turmoil was about more than remembering her past romance. Her heart literally belonged here with them, it only made sense that, memories or no memories; she would feel incomplete without them.

“I think I held you for four days straight. When your mom wasn’t in the room the only way to get you quiet was to rock you in my arms…”

Carol reached out to move the wild curly hair out of Monica’s face, remembering her adorable face as a baby.

“Sometimes you wouldn’t even sleep, you’d just gaze up at me with this intense look of pure awe and wonder. I knew from the first day I would never be able to say no to you, I mean, how could I?”

Monica smiled her incredible light exuding smile and Carol’s heart melted all over again.

“Every time you look up at me, I remember those first few days, I see that little baby.”

Maria’s cheeks are stained with tears and looking at her has water spilling out of her own eyes.  

Recollective silence falls between them.

Carol remembers more than she says though. The fifth day when Frank and the rest of Maria’s family appeared Carol had been pushed out. The pain of being away from Maria and the little baby she had just met, although she’d spent hours talking to Maria’s stomach throughout the pregnancy, was like nothing she ever felt before. It was within moments of reaching her front door and breaking down did she realise that she loved Maria as more than a friend. She cried like she’d never done before and has never done since.

“You’re not that little baby anymore though. You’re a beautiful, intelligent and funny young girl. Your mother has done an incredible job raising you. I’m so proud and privileged to know you.”

They talk until the early hours of the morning, recalling memories; some that Carol remembers and others that she doesn’t. Maria is pulled into slumber first.

Carol and Monica whisper into the darkness about the stars, the planets she’s visited, and Monica catches her up on modern 90s culture. Eventually sleep calls the young girl too.

“It’s okay if you don’t remember everything. We get to make new memories now.” A tired voice yawns before her breathing steadies and dreams take her from their conversation.

For the first time, her heart feels a measure of peace regarding what memories she cannot re-conjure. Those last words Monica says allow her to hope for a future.

She watches the sleeping pair beside her. A joy as hot as the power from her hands spreads inside her because she understands where she belongs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you have any ideas, or prompts I can incorporate into this. I'm open to all ideas.


	12. Past, Present, Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past informs the present, and the present promises the future. Carol and Maria begin their road of rediscovery.

Carol is the first to wake up, entangled in limbs across the small sofa she shares with Maria and Monica. She takes a moment to simply revel in the feeling of complete contentedness. It is not even noon yet but since they did not sleep until the early hours of the morning; she knows they will be asleep until the early afternoon.

She almost wakes them in desperate want of not wasting a single moment with them, but she finds watching the rise and fall of their chest; and the peace in their expressions is something equally enjoyable too.

Carol doesn’t know how long she will stay, hasn’t wanted to think about it. There hadn’t been an exact return date agreed between her and Talos. Even with things relatively calm for the Skrulls, she knows the Kree are still on the hunt and they’ll never rest.

However, her greatest dilemma is how she can proceed forward with Maria. It felt incredibly rejuvenating rediscovering their romantic relationship. The sobering thought runs through her mind, she can’t stay forever; she can’t offer Maria a sustainable future, and still she wants one.

There is a gripping fear which grows within because she doesn’t want to let her go. There’s something tied to Maria’s being that is as real as the flames that fire out of her hands.  She knows it’s selfish and it will only hurt them both in the end. Yet, as she imagines the possibility of returning one day to find Maria in someone else’s arms, maybe even Frank’s, maybe her stomach round with someone else’s baby; it has her own stomach reeling.

Carol watches Maria in sleep. She’s enraptured by the richness of dark skin, the beauty of her coiled curls and music of her soft snores. She yearns to hear her soulful voice and deep knowing laugh. The blonde can’t help herself and strokes her inviting lips gently.

 

A few moments later, Maria stirs awake. There are a few seconds where her swirling mahogany eyes adjust to the light and she looks at Carol with surprise before her mind catches up. It’s clear she is convincing herself that this isn’t some beautiful nightmare.

They study each other’s eyes for some time, neither speaking, just existing in the moment.

“I thought you hated sleeping without your headscarf.” Carol says sticking down stray curls.

There’s a glimmer of hope on the other side of dark eyes. She’s clearly overjoyed with Carol’s returning memories.

She hums lowly and the corners of her eyes crinkle in amusement.

“Someone kept me up all night, I didn’t have time to put it on.”

There’s an undercurrent of flirtation in her tone and it makes them both chuckle.  

“I can’t believe you’re here.” Carol whispers when their eyes meet again.

“I can’t believe _you’re_ here.” Maria throws back with the same disbelief in her expression.  

Maria reaches out tentatively and caresses her cheek so softly she barely feels it. There’s hesitation in her movements and Carol sees the hundred thoughts racing through her mind.

There’s still so much between them, a lot unspoken but heavy in the air around them.

Monica shifts between them and it takes them both back to an age ago. Restless nights in their bed from Monica’s fidgety form having snuck in between them.

“How’s about I make us some breakfast?” She offers wanting to talk without disturbing Monica.

Maria laughs at Carol’s words.

“You can’t cook.”

“I don’t know what _your_ Carol was like, but this Carol makes a mean plate of schnozzle fangs and syzrup.” She jests.

The light atmosphere quickly evaporates because they’re both reminded that they are different now, and they have so little time to rediscover each other.

“ _My Ca-_ ” She stops whatever words she was going to say.

Maria has always been eloquent, and Carol sinks a bit because this means Maria’s hiding things from her; hiding herself. There’s a level of distrust in terms of feelings there, and it’s a gap she’s not sure how to bridge. Carol knows that if she digs and prods for more, there will be truths revealed that she’s not sure she’s ready to face yet.

“Come on, I’ll make us my Madea’s famous Creole breakfast plate.” Maria offers her a hand up.

 “Let me surprise you, please.” There’s a seriousness in Carol’s tone that has Maria looking at her curiously.

It’s clear that there are many questions on the other woman’s mind, but she continues to hold her tongue and that fuels the growing anxiety in the blonde. Maria isn’t reserved, not with her at least.

She’s directed to the kitchen utensils and food, but as she cooks, Maria remains pensive. Her intrigued eyes follow Carol around the room, simply observing in deep contemplation.

Although not uncomfortable, the growing silence is a representation of the distance between them.

Carol is quiet because her mind is away too.

She wonders if Maria regrets her return. Incessantly worries about what she will do regarding their relationship. That’s the question she thinks she sees in watchful eyes.

It concerns her because she knows that if she doesn’t act, Frank is waiting in the wings for another opportunity with Maria. Frank understands what he left behind, that much is clear, and that is dangerous territory.

The hush makes her thoughts seem as if they’re shouting, and it becomes unbearable.

“Where’s your head at?” Carol enquires noticing the faraway look on Maria’s face.

“That’s my line.”

She’s being evasive and the blonde feels the detachment again.

“Where’s _your_ head at?” She counters.

Maria has always demanded honesty and Carol knows that it’s the only way to gain her trust again.

“So, how was your date?”

Carol isn’t sure why she asks that, it had been the first thing that popped into her head, and her brain to mouth filter has never been very good.

Maria is more than a little surprise that Carol asked.

“Do you really want to know?”

Carol’s not sure whether Maria asks because _she_ herself is not sure she wants to divulge her feelings.

She considers it but she’s asked the question now. She needs some sign there’s hope in the mess they are in.

“Yes. Surely two best-, ex-, you know what forget it –”

“It was weird.” She saves her from the hole she was talking herself into.

“As weird as this?”

The blonde chances a glance at the other woman who’s eyes light up in amusement.

Maria laughs when Carol raises a single brow in her direction.

“Why weird?” She says as she continues cooking.

She hears Maria’s heavy sigh.

“Oh, I don’t know. It just wasn’t what I was expecting. The entire time I kept thinking back to my first date with him. How I’d been so excited. He was everything I’d dreamed about finding in a man. This tall, light-skinned, southern boy with bright eyes and silver tongue.  My god, was I in love with that man...”

Carol listens with keen intrigue.  

“… and he’s earned back my respect in the past year. He is no longer that confused and careless boy he once was. He’s actually a good father and a gentler soul now. Yet, I just don’t feel that _thing_ anymore.”  

Carol wonders about that ‘ _thing’_ Maria speaks of. She remembers the other woman’s words from over a decade ago; how she’d described it as the feeling that surpassed love. She had explained it when she confessed some feelings for Carol months before Monica’s birth.

Carol recalls how they argued when she tried to back away during her pregnancy. Maria and Frank had been going through a very tumultuous time. Frank turned up outside her door one night, drunk off his face, and begged her to stay away. He approached her about their relationship. Nothing had been going on of course, but at the same time, _something_ had been going on.

He said, “I can see the way you look at her, but as her husband, I’m asking you to let her go.”

He didn’t threaten her and although he was a mess, she could see he did care about her. The blonde respected their relationship anyway, and she never believed Maria really felt the same way. She wouldn’t let herself believe it; because then it would have confirmed something she had been afraid to admit about herself. She spent 20 years running from that truth.

That was until after a couple weeks of avoiding Maria, she’d been confronted in the bathroom of Pancho’s.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Maria stated.

“No, I’ve been busy.”

“We’re on the same rotation, you’ve been avoiding me.”

She had seen right through whatever act the blonde tried to put on.

“Did I do something?”

“Of course not.” She said immediately.

“Did Frank say something?”

“Why would what Frank said mean anything?”

Despite Carol’s promise to herself, of not acting on her feelings, she had been curious to know if it was more than a one-sided crush.

“So he did say something.” The afro-haired woman deduced in a no-nonsense tone.

“No.” She’d said defiantly avoiding those demanding eyes.

“You’re stubborn.”

“And he’s your _husband_!” She snapped.

Back when they danced around each other’s feelings, it was a game of reading between the lines; but this day Carol had gone beyond any of the blurred lines of their friendship.

“And I’m your best friend.” Carol added with a gentler tone.

The other woman had remained silent a time, comprehending Carol’s words.

“Yes, you’re my best friend… but I also know that there’s this _thing_ between us. Something I can’t explain. All I know is that it’s greater than love, a connection of our souls.”

Tears gathered in her beautiful eyes and that had been enough for Carol to never want to stay away again.

“I’m sorry about Frank. I just, I can’t lose you. _Please._ ” She’d begged.

It wasn’t exactly a confirmation of romantic love, but it was an acknowledgement of something more.

The burning pancake smell breaks Carol out of the memory.

Carol meets Maria’s eyes in the reflection of the window then. They both had been lost in thought, likely thinking about the same _thing._

“What changed?” Carol wonders.

She couldn’t understand how she could have loved Frank before, when he had been a poor excuse of a man, and now that he was supposedly reformed the connection was gone.

A voice in the back of her mind wonders if Maria’s romantic feelings towards her might also have changed. Maria’s reservation this day only fuels the thought, despite the previous day’s affirmations.

“Maybe that _thing_ was never really there. Perhaps I loved who I thought he could be, a fantasy of a man that never existed…”

She takes a deep breath and considers the question further.

“…Maybe it’s because you turned up. You have a habit of falling out the sky and turning my head and my heart inside out.”

There’s no malicious accusation in her voice but Carol feels herself apologising anyway.

“I’m sorry.”

The distrust coming from Maria is understandable. Her heart has been trampled on by Carol, however unintentional. She hasn’t offered her any sign of a future between them, only the promise of leaving once more. It’s understandable that Maria keeps her heart under lock and key.

“No, I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”

She pauses and smiles.

“You know the first time we met you literally fell out of the sky.”

She doesn’t really remember meeting the other woman. Her jumbled up mind has made it seem like Maria has always existed in her life.   

“Really?”

“It was my second night on base, and I snuck out to the training area, but it turns out you had the same idea. You were on the swinging ropes above me and just as I walked in, you fell out of the sky and crashed down onto me.”

That sounded like something she would do, and she couldn’t really hide the smirk that spread across her face.

“I know you’re over there smiling.” Maria says knowingly.

“ _Me?_ Never.”  

Quietness falls around them again. There’s more to be said but its clear Maria wants to keep it light. Maria will voice whatever is playing on her mind eventually. Carol’s still not too good with the whole ‘ _feelings’_ thing.

Carol begins arranging the pancakes, bacon and eggs she’s managed to whisk up. It doesn’t look very appetizing but she’s _fairly_ confident that it tastes better than it looks.

“So, does he get a second date?”

“I’m not sure, I’m keeping my options open.” There’s amusement in her voice, but even more than that; there’s encouragement in her words.

So, when she makes up Maria’s plate, she rearranges the chocolate chips on the pancakes to spell out a question. She’s a chaotic mess of a human-alien and she’s too nervous to outright ask Maria for more.

Monica walks in as she’s bringing the plates to the table Maria sits at.

“Pancakes, my favourite!” She says enthusiastically.

“Morning Lieutenant, I was beginning to think we were going to have to eat this all ourselves.” Carol jokes handing the young girl a plate and receiving a kiss on the cheek.

The gesture is not missed by the blonde and warms her insides with how blessed it makes her feel.

“Not even your photon blasts could protect you from her rage if that happened. She eats like I’m starving her of food.” Maria jests receiving her own affectionate kiss.

“I’m a growing girl, what can I say?” She says in manner that eerily reminds Carol of herself.

She presents Maria’s plate like a hopeful toddler having come home with their first handmade project for their parents.

“Well?” She asks hopefully.

“Hate?” Maria looks down confused at the word.  

Carol looks down and a chip has moved out of place spelling out a completely different word. Monica catches on before Carol and moves the chocolate chip into position.

“No, it says ‘Date’.”

“Which Date?” Maria asks, toying with the blonde.

“No, I mean I’d like a date.” She corrects.

“Ohhh, I mean I can set you up, there’s this hot redhead at– ”

Maria may enjoy watching the blonde squirm in nervousness a little. Carol’s like a teenager asking their crush to prom.

She finds it adorable that even after all these years, she can still have the smart-mouthed blonde tongue tied.

“No. No. I’m asking you on a date – with me – Like a proper date, _date_ , a fancy restaurant dinner and movie thing. That’s what human’s still do right? Wait, what do you mean _hot_ redhe– ” She rambles nervously and Maria takes pity on her.

“Yes.” She finally responds with a glint of mischief in her eyes.

“Yes?”

Carol knows she shouldn’t be surprised but she finds herself not believing the words.

“YES!” Monica exclaims making them all laugh.  

There’s still so much to be addressed between them but as they all laugh, she finds that maybe its okay to just exist in the moment sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely encouraging comments! It really keeps me motivated to keep going, so thanks again :) x


	13. New Orleans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol falls deeper into the world of the Rambeau's.

**New Orleans**

Later that day, the family of three find themselves driving towards Maria’s mother’s home. The journey is enjoyable enough with Monica engaging them all in conversation. Still, something nags at the back of Carol’s mind.

Monica updates her on the family; grandma Dubois; Maria’s sister, Maxine; her younger twin brothers, Dwayne and Dwight; and her cousins, both old and new. Despite the uneasiness that swirls inside Carol, Maria asked her to come along. How could she say no, especially when the other woman has asked so little of her yet given so much.

Once sleep takes the young girl, the quiet between the two women brings Carol’s worries to the forefront of her mind. She is concerned about how she will be received by Maria’s family.

She remembers getting along with Maria’s older sister easily. After Maria became pregnant, Maxine and her mother moved close so that Maria had support whilst she pursued her career in the USAF. Her brothers remained in New Orleans with their father and they were a little older than Monica the last time she saw them. However, it wasn’t them she was concerned about.

Things with Celestine Dubois, Maria’s mother, had been uncomfortable and awkward in the end. She couldn’t remember why, but she knew that the warm and welcoming southern Mama grew cold.  

Carol’s leg bounces in worry, and the hand Maria places on her leg only placates her a little. She’s anxious because it feels like she’s ‘meeting the family’, for the first time.

“You’re nervous.” Maria states with a flicker of surprise in her expression.

She figures this is something the old Carol didn’t really show.

“You have no reason to be. My brothers and Maxine adore you. As for my Mama, she’s big on southern hospitality, today will be no different.  She may even _surprise_ you.”

She remembers that although there hadn’t ever been a fight or harsh exchange of words, despite the older woman’s cordiality; she felt the dislike like frost.

Carol hums unconvinced.

“I know things with Mama were…” she fails to find the word.

“She hated me.” Carol finishes.

Maria’s mouth opens and closes.

“I know she hated me.”  

“She never hated _you_ , she hated the fact I loved you. It certainly didn’t help that she found out about us in the most god-awful way.”

Maria’s eyes dance with amusement.  

“What do you mean?”

“She walked in on us.”

Carol feels a hot heat spread across her cheeks.

“She didn’t. _Please_ – tell me you’re joking.”

Maria laughs heartily at the memory.

“She suspected something was going on between us for a long time, especially when you moved in. Then, one day she came over unannounced. We had the day off and Monica was with my sister.  You picked that day of all days to seduce me… on the kitchen table –”

“Oh no.”

Carol was mortified. With each word the memory became more tangible in her own mind.

“Oh _yes_.”

Carol remembers how horrified both she and Celestine had been. To make matters worse there was no innocent way to explain why Carol had her daughter handcuffed and legs spread before her.  

“Handcuffs.” Carol says remembering.

“…and _only_ handcuffs. Naked as the day she’d given birth to me.”

They both explode into the silliest giggling fit. In this moment they are both care free, without the worries of the future looming over them. Carol’s nervousness evaporates with every laugh. She feels like a teenager again, up to no good with Maria.

Carol meets Maria’s dark eyes. Alongside amusement, she thinks she see’s something more flirtatious in mahogany orbs. Carol would be lying if she said she hadn’t recently been thinking about having Maria in a few more positions. As great as their reunion was, she still yearns for more. She aches to taste, touch and feel Maria; as in her memories from an age ago.

“You had been in the middle of doing that thing I like… the thing with your tongue.” Maria’s voice is a little lower and it does something to Carol.

This time she doesn’t miss the sensuous teasing in Maria’s eyes, however. She’s dropping hints. It excites Carol to know that, even though she’s being kept at arm’s length, the attraction is still there.

“Oh really?”

Maria’s focus returns to the road, but Carol’s gaze never leaves her face. Her mind wanders to some wonderful fantasies, or memories, she can’t be sure, but whatever they are; they have her flushing.

Maria catches her staring, and she can’t look away fast enough.

“What?”

Carol smiles sheepishly, although with that dreamy look still in her eye.

Maria lifts a single brow trying to coax out what’s on the blonde’s mind.

“I was just thinking…” Carol’s hand gravitates towards Maria’s leg, testing the water.

She can see the effect she has on the other woman, the way her lips part and a pink tongue darts out in anticipation.

“…Maybe we should see if I still remember how to do it, you know… the thing with my tongue.”

The moment is charged with a sudden palpable tension in the air.

Maria doesn’t bite though. She hums and focuses her attention back on the road. However, Carol is smug because she’s still got it. She’s still got her, and maybe there is more than a little hope for them, after all.

Within minutes, they pull up to Mrs Dubois colourful New Orleans Creole cottage.

Carol focuses her attention on waking the sleeping girl in the back, tries to keep her mind off the growing nervousness settling in her stomach again.

“Hey sleepyhead we’re at Grandma’s.”

Once the car is parked, Monica runs into the house.

Seeing the blonde’s brow furrowed in anxiousness, Maria hangs back with Carol a moment.

“Hey.”

She interweaves their hands. They both don’t fail to notice how easily their digits swirl together.

Carol takes a deep breath to prepare herself.

“You’ve fought actual aliens and you’re telling me my Mama scares you?”

Carol gives her an incredulous look.

“You’re right. I’d rather face alien’s than Mama any day.” She jokes, managing to pull a little smile out of the blonde.

“You know I got you right?” Maria reassures.

“I’m not worried. I’m going to be my most charming self. Your Mama won’t even remember the kitchen table incident.” Carol says with her characteristic cocky lopsided smirk.

She’s not as confident as she gives off, but she’s always been a believer in fake it until you make it. It also helps that her grin makes Maria chuckle.

When they walk inside, they are greeted by Maria’s sister, Maxine. Maxine doesn’t much look like Maria, favouring her father’s lighter skin and green eyes. She looks more like him now that she’s older than the last time Carol saw her.

“Carol Danvers. Back from the dead I see.” Maxine says sizing her up with feigned seriousness.

“And you’ve gotten old I see.” Carol says in a similar tone and an exaggerated lift of her brows.

The two burst out laughing before she’s pulled into a hug.

“You’re back just in time, Frank’s back, that no good son of a –”

“Maxine don’t start with me.” Maria interrupts, rolling her eyes.

Carol meets Maxine’s eyes and the corners of her lips are fighting a smile, her eyebrows slightly raised. The blonde looks away before that mischievous look of hers spreads. Maxine’s exuberance for trouble is a contagion, that many a time has gotten Carol into the doghouse.

“I wasn’t talking to _you_ ,” she says with a cheeky smile and drags Carol towards the rest of the family awaiting greetings.

Carol is reunited and introduced to Maria’s brothers, nephews and nieces; all buzzing about her excitedly. There are some faces she remembers, and others she doesn’t. She’s surprised because everyone is beyond welcoming; something she hadn’t expected. Especially because she didn’t have a strong relationship with them aside a few awkward dinners.  

She’s handed a toddler in the excitement as Dwayne introduces his daughter.

“You know I’ve got you to thank for her right?” Dwayne asks with amusement pulling at his cheeks.

“How so?”

“If Maria never bought you home, I’d have never been allowed to bring a white girl home.” He jokes, earning a hit to the back of the head by Maria.

“You’re a damn a fool Wayne.” Maria reprimands him good naturedly.

“And you’re a pain, you don’t see me hitting you ‘cause of it.” He pokes fun in that way only a sibling can.

“He’s right though sis, you remember Mama’s reaction to when you and Carol came for that first thanksgiving.” Maxine adds.

They jest in good humour, and Carol feels included. Perhaps the world has finally changed; or maybe just this one family, but one family is enough for her.

“I’m sure the Lord’s gonna punish her for that prayer she gave over dinner.” Dwight chimes in recalling the fateful first thanksgiving.

Carol remembers it because it had been shortly after the ‘kitchen and handcuffs’ incident. Thanksgiving was supposed to have just been Maria, Monica and herself; along with Celestine and Richard Dubois. However, the entire family turned up too, and it had been the most awkward dinner. Carol stuck out like a sore thumb, no one wanting to mention the elephant in the room.

“Mama said, ‘oh lord Jesus, _anything_ but this Lord! What did _I_ do? I knew I shouldn’t have let her watch those episodes of The Golden Girls.’” Dwight animatedly imitates his mother’s strong southern accent.

Everyone breaks into hearty loud cackles which bounce from wall to wall.

“Remember how Uncle Bernie choked on the Mac’n’Cheese when the penny finally dropped.” Maxine adds fuelling the howling cries.

It had been such a dramatic and unfunny affair at the time, but it meant the world they could all look back and laugh now. The blonde has no idea what has changed, but whatever it is, she’s thankful.

It had been awful being the cause of Maria’s gradual distance from her family. Carol’s recalls little about her own family but knows they severed ties swiftly because of who she was. She would never wish that upon someone else, let alone the woman she loved.

Carol finds Maria’s eyes during the laughter. She’s slapping her hands up and down almost involuntarily and can barely breath for laughing. Carol sees the joy of true acceptance and it warms her heart.

Once the echoes of joy subside, Monica tugs at her arm; her younger cousins having whispered some request into her ear.

“Auntie Carol, Cora wants to see you use your powers.”

She looks at the little girls who are staring up at her with expectancy in their eyes and looks up to find the same curiosity in the adults’ eyes.

“Your grandmother will kill me if I break anything in here Monica.” She says thinking of the repercussions of such an action.

“It’s ok whatever you break we’ll hide it.” She says with trouble swirling in her eyes.

The kitchen door behind her slams open to reveal Celestine Dubois with her characteristic ‘I’ve caught you’ look on her face.

“Monica. Angela. Rambeau. If anything comes up missin’ in my house, I promise you, _you’re_ going come up missing!”


	14. Through a Mother's Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol's conversation with Maria's mother reveals a lot more than expected.

**Through a Mother’s Eyes**

Celestine Dubois stands by the kitchen door, with the same knowing look from a decade ago as she examines Carol. If it wasn’t for the pain that comes with age in her coal-black eyes, it would be difficult to figure out that she is 50 years old. She commands the room like she always did, and her family are quiet as they watch the interaction with curiosity.

Carol flashes the older woman her most charming smile despite the nerves that still whirl about her stomach.

“Mrs Dubois, it’s good to see you again.”

“Mmm hmmm, I know it ain’t.”  She says with an infliction to her voice that only a southern mother can.

Carol’s immediately concerned she’s said the wrong thing but there’s a smile pulling at Celestine’s lips, and Maria flashes her a look that says, ‘I told you so’.

This reception is very different to what Carol recollects. For the first time, Celestine opens her arms for an embrace and there isn’t a trace of the cold woman she used to know.

Carol must stand in shock a second because she feels Maria subtly nudge her forward. She steps into her arms and Celestine holds her as if she can’t believe she’s alive. Whatever ill feelings the old woman once had towards her, seem to be gone, as though she is genuinely happy to see her.

“Whatchu all standin’ there gawping at me for? Maria, Maxine, go ahead in the dining room and finish up for me.” She delegates as the congregated family disperse.

“Yes Mama.” The two women chorus in unison.

Maria brushes Carol’s hand as she walks by in encouragement. Although the gesture is small, it means the world to her.  

“Carol, you come on out to the kitchen, help me finish cookin’ this jambalaya.”

She follows Celestine back into the kitchen. The food is already finished and served up onto the plates, and Carol knows she just needed an excuse to talk to her.

Carol is half expecting the older woman to turn around wearing the stony expression of an age ago, when she was less than pleased to have Carol around. The feeling of dread ripples through her.

She takes a seat and offers Carol a chair. Celestine studies her with confusion and a swirl of other emotions.

“I had half the mind to believe Maria was into Voodoo when Monica came back here talkin’ about you’re alive. It wasn’t until I saw the pictures of you and them aliens, I realised they weren’t talkin’ mess.”

Carol’s unsure how to respond. She can’t read Celestines eyes. Despite their similarity to Maria’s, she’s never been able to decipher the going’s on behind her black eyes. They aren't black, per se; more a rich earthy hue that has always imitated the darkness they held for Carol. Today she thinks she sees a light to them though.

Yet, she’s still waiting for their exchange to go left. She’s waiting for the moment she wishes Carol never returned into her daughter’s life. So, she opts to keep quiet and see what the old woman has to say.  

When she doesn’t say anything, Carol looks back up at her expecting to find anger. Yet, when she meets her eyes they are glistening with budding tears, and it shocks her.

“Mrs Dubois?”

She’s never seen her like this and can’t understand why she is so emotional. Their relationship had been distant, and only existed in the presence of Maria and Monica. Whilst there hadn’t been rage filled shouting matches, there had been curt dismissals and snide remarks. She imagined that her ‘death’ was more a relief to the older woman than anything else.

Carol’s never been good with comforting others and sits there awkwardly watching.

Celestine breaks out into a low chuckle.

“Chile, we’re family. You’re gonna have to stop callin’ me Mrs Dubois. You _can_ call me Mama Tina.”

“You’ve never said that before.” Carol realises.

Carol’s never much cared about being liked by anyone, but she knows it had been painful to be rejected. Especially by the woman who raised the woman she’d fallen in love with.

“There’s a lot I should’ve said, that I never did.” She admits.

Carol watches her sceptically.

“My daughter really loves you.”

Carol can’t contain the smile that spreads across her face. It will always warm her heart to know that, she’s loved. Beyond that, it’s the first time Celestine has ever acknowledged it to her.

“And I love her. In all the time I’ve been away, she and Monica are all that have kept me together.” Carol reveals.

Celestine nods in a way that conveys that it doesn’t surprise her.

“I used to think there was somethin’ wrong with your love, and the rest of the world thought so too. I never bothered to check my own prejudices, despite what I went through as black woman in the south...”

Carol begins to see Celestine in a light she never expected.

“…I can’t imagine havin’ to hide my love, especially when at times the love I had with Richard was all there was. Seein’ the ridicule Ellen DeGeneres is going through at the moment, makes me think about what you and Maria did. You two risked your livelihoods to be together, and I commend that.”

There’s sincerity in her tone and it stirs something in Carol to be able to talk openly, without judgement, for the first time.

“When I lost _everything_ ; my life, my memories, my humanity; it was Maria that saved me. She doesn’t know that of course, but she haunted me until I found myself again. Loving your daughter is all that will ever make sense to me.”

These are feelings the old Carol had pent up inside, and as they make the way through her mouth, she can’t seem to make them stop.

“I can understand why you didn’t like me. I wasn’t what you envisioned for your baby girl; but I didn’t _choose_ to love her. I like to think it was written in stars.”

Celestine’s brows squeeze into a frown.

“That’s where you’re wrong.”

Carol takes a breath in anticipation. It’s a short panic because even now she’s still waiting for things to take a turn for the worst.

“You’re _exactly_ what I dreamt of for my Maria. Granted on the outside you may be different, but I can’t imagine a better person to have loved my daughter. It took me far too long to see that.”

Relief washes through the blonde, and something else that tugs at her heartstrings.

Celestine reaches over and squeezes Carol’s hand.

“What made you change your mind?” Carol wonders.

There’s a heavy sigh from the other woman.

“When you _died,_ I had to face the truth. It was one of the most painful lessons I’ve ever had learn.”

Carol hates thinking about what the aftermath of her ‘death’ must have been like. Hates imagining the pain and loneliness Maria and Monica suffered. Yet, she never realised that it would have affected Celestine too.

“I never want her to see her like that again. Losin’ you _devastated_ her. It devastated them both.”

Carol doesn’t say anything, because what is there to say. She still feels a level of guilt for what her family endured and its something she’s learning she may have to live with.

“I remember the day of accident like it was yesterday. I was with Mon and you guys were supposed to come for dinner.  You and mon were gonna go pick up waffles from that fancy dessert place that just opened up.”

“Casper’s?” She questions.

Carol hasn’t been able to recall the day of the accident well. Yet, as Celestine speaks the memories become clearer in her mind.

“Yeah, Mon was on you about it like white on rice. Eventually you had to convince Maria, ‘cause you never could say no to her. You’ve been fool for that little girl since the day she was born.”

They both laugh, but when Carol looks at her again; a dark look has settled itself across her features. There’s quiet as the scenes of the day of the accident replay in Celestine’s mind. The breath she takes is shaky and there’s a raw pain in her eyes that reveals a depth of pain which shakes Carol.

“That awful day, Maria appeared at my door hours later than she was supposed to. I took one look at her and I knew immediately something had gone wrong. The look on her face…”

She shifts uncomfortably.

“…I’d never seen her look so broken.”

Carol closes her eyes unable to bear seeing the pain on Celestine’s face.  

“I asked her what happened, all she said was that there had been an accident and they couldn’t find your body. Monica refused to believe her. She wouldn’t even hear it. That’s the only time she’s ever shouted at Maria.”

“She did?”

“Oh yes, it was quite the storm.”

Carol couldn’t imagine her always jocular little girl ever behaving so out of character.

“’I don’t believe you. She’s not gone!’ She screamed and stormed out to the swingin’ chair in the yard. That’s where she would wait for you to pick her up when she was little. Lookin’ into the skies for the stars and lights…”

The bond she shared with Monica when she was younger was strengthened by both of their love of the night sky. She’d spend hours teaching the little girl about the constellations, the planets and space.

“‘That one’s mommy’s plane, and that one’s Auntie Carol’s plane’– she’d point to every flashin’ light she saw. Head in the clouds, just like you.” Celestine said imitating Monica’s younger self.

“So that night, Mon sat lookin’ at the stars waitin’ on you, stubborn as a mule. I was so worried because I had Maria in the kitchen completely grief-stricken– ” Her voice is raspy, and each word more strained as she wills herself to continue.

“She was starin’ out blankly and twisting what was left of your dog tags ‘round her fingers. I had Mon refusin’ to come back inside ‘til you came home. When it finally hit her, she cried so ferociously, as if the sheer force of it might bring you back. I ain’t know what to do.”

Although Carol wasn’t there, the picture Celestine paints is vivid enough to move her to tears. Once one breaks through the rest run hot and fast down her face.

“It was that day I realised… I lost someone in my family. I understood exactly what you were to them. You were Monica’s mother, and you were Maria’s...”

The old woman considers her words a moment.

“… _everything_. She loved you with everything inside of her. I’m ashamed that it took your death for me to see there was never anything wrong with your love.”

Celestine wipes away at Carol’s tears, in a motherly gesture. There are tears in her own eyes and she smiles through the pain.

“It was the rest of us that were wrong. I’m sorry… I’m sorry for the way I treated you, and child, I am sorry for all you’ve been through.”

It comes out strained with emotion but she’s earnest and sincere. They’re the last words Carol ever expected to hear from her, and it moves her.

The apology heals something in Carol she never realised she needed. Celestine never liked her because she was a woman. They both knew that. Loving Maria had never been a choice, the world told her it was wrong, but it always felt like the only right thing in the world.  

“Don’t look so shocked. With age comes a great humility.” She adds humorously.  

Somehow, they laugh the pain away. For the second time, in one day, Celestine pulls her into her arms. It mends much of damage of years ago, and beyond that; it heals years of damage in Carol from the abandonment of her own mother.

“Thank you, _Mama Tina_.” She whispers as a comforting hand rubs at her back.

Carol sees the change Maria mentioned in the older woman. There’s no longer the dismissal in her tone, nor the hard eyes which held nothing but irritation in them every time she looked to Carol. There’s love there and she’s pulled impossibly further into the world of Maria Rambeau.

“Maria, get in here, I know you’ve been listenin’ in.” She says in that knowing tone that mother’s have.

Maria walks through the doors slowly and wraps her arms around Carol. In her embrace the world seems to stop still on its axis. Carol’s mind is at peace and she feels Maria’s body press in, soft and warm.

The blonde peeks up from the crook of Maria’s neck to see Celestine watching them approvingly.

This is the love she has waited for, prayed for. A love like this is to be cherished for life. Carol’s mind is decided. She’ll do whatever it takes to be with Maria, no matter how difficult it may be, she’s determined to make it work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I go to write fluff only angst comes out. The date is coming up next, and that will be fluff, I promise!


	15. The Date (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol and Maria finally go on their date.

**The Date**

The evening with Maria’s family had proceeded as it began, with much laughter and joy. The following day Maria and Monica returned to their regular routine of work and school. Carol was left with some time to reflect upon the past few days with the Rambeau’s and prepare herself for the date with Maria.

She’s busy most of the day with ensuring their first date is perfect. She needs it to be because, for some reason, it feels as though everything is riding on it. It feels like a make it or break it situation.

By the time the evening arrives the blonde is a wreck of nerves. She never thought herself a nervous person, and even before the powers, she can’t recollect a time she ever felt like this. It’s a swirl of elation and storm of butterflies in the pit of her stomach.

She waits outside a quaint little Cajun restaurant hidden inside the French Quarter of New Orleans. The restaurant belongs to Maxine’s husband, and once the older sister had caught wind of Carol’s plans of a dinner, she and Monica helped her discreetly plan the night.

Carol arrived earlier to prepare the specially personalised four course meal, had arranged for a driver, and pulled out all the works for an exquisite evening.

However, as she waits anxiously, pushing her weight from foot to foot, her mind is a chaos of insecurities. Her new suit suddenly feels inadequate, she’s unsure about the way she’s styled her hair; and suddenly she’s wondering if their date will pale in comparison to Frank’s.

More than that, what nags at the back of her mind is the wall Maria seems to have built up around her heart. Understandably so, it makes sense that she’s been simultaneously pulled in and pushed away by the dark-skinned woman. Carol has seen the internal struggle in dark eyes, where a moment passes, and she catches her watching her both longingly and with grief. 

They’re both different people now, its been nearly a decade since they were together; and there’s something exciting yet daunting about learning about each other. Carol worries about if she is too different from the Carol Maria fell in love with. She worries they will no longer be compatible as they once were. Or worse they’ll be so compatible that the prospect of a future in which they can’t be together easily will destroy them.

Carol’s about to spiral into a panic before she see’s Maria’s car pull up.

If she had been shocked by Maria’s beauty in the past, it was nothing compared to now. Maria walks like the embodiment of Venus, the goddess of beauty herself. She’s in a black silk satin dress and Carol’s rendered speechless because she can see the outline of her curves, and her mind goes blank. Beyond that, there’s an energy about her that’s immediately intoxicating. From her impossibly dark eyes to the way she saunters with absolute confidence.  

Carol is characteristically smooth, cocky and funny. That’s her schtick _._ Yet, even as Maria approaches her, she still can’t get her tongue to move.

There’s a smirk on Maria’s face and for a moment the roles are reversed, and Maria is the smug one, knowing exactly the effect she has on Carol.

“Where’s your head at _Captain_?” Maria teases knowingly, with a twinkling of mischief in her eyes.

Carol is literally unable to form sentences. When her brain finally processes Maria’s words, she blushes a furious crimson because Maria is completely correct in her suggestion. Her mind has wondered to fantasies that have her head spinning.

Maria chuckles heartily at Carol’s reaction.

It’s an embarrassingly long time before she does say anything at all.

“Wow.”

She shuts her eyes because she spent a good minute staring at her in awe, and the best she could come up with is, ‘wow’.

“I can’t believe you look this beautiful –” She tries again.

“I mean _I can_ – I’m not saying you don’t usually, you’re always beautiful – I just, wow.” She hears herself babbling like a fool and decides to stop talking altogether.

“You also look… _wow_.” She says deliberately raking her eyes up and down the blonde.

Carol is well aware Maria’s on her A game tonight. Despite the initial nervousness and panic; when they meet eyes, Carol is fully prepared to play this game with her. She remembers this feeling of playing cat and mouse with the other woman. Remembers the toying and harmless competitiveness between them.

Watching Maria smile up at her through her lashes puts to bay the nagging thoughts of anxiety that previously filled her.

Carol boldly takes a step into her personal space and snakes an arm around her waist. She doesn’t care they’re out in the open, there’s something freeing about this small act of rebellion. She leans in slowly to whisper into Maria’s ear.

She pauses wanting to watch the effect she has on Maria too. She watches as the other woman turns into her touch slightly, watches her pupils dilate ever so slightly; and sees the hitch of her breath.

“This way.” She whispers lowly, with a victorious smirk on her face.

She leads them to the rooftop which is set up solely for them. With her newfound confidence, Carol is very gentlewomanly in her approach. She opens the doors, pulls out Maria’s chair and even hands her a rose for good measure. Their table sits in the middle of the rooftop, with the only light being the Moroccan lanterns and the moonlight.

“I see you liked the dress.” Carol says dipping her eyes to appreciate the way it clings to Maria.

“Yes, thank you… I also liked the other _seven_ that you bought.”

Carol may have gone a little overboard when shopping earlier in the day. She’d found a magazine by Maria’s bedside with dresses circled and she couldn’t resist buying them. She bought many things; some she has yet to present to the other woman. Once she’d started buying things, she hadn’t been able to stop. She can’t recall being a huge shopper in the past, but something compelled her this day. She knows a large part of it is to do with wanting to make up for lost time, and a smaller part guilt for leaving Maria; forgetting about them.

“Do I even want to know how you could afford everything?”

“No. That would make you an accessory too.” She jokes.

“I have a feeling my sister or Fury had something to do with it.” She muses.

She’d gotten in touch with Fury, now the head of SHIELD Louisiana, for a little aide. He had supplied her with money, and ominously said she would one day owe him a favour for it. 

“What are you willing to do for the answer?” Carol flirts shamelessly.

“Let’s see how the date goes, and maybe you’ll find out.”

Although her tone is light and her voice soft, there’s an undercurrent of something else there.

“I don’t mean to brag, but this will be the best date you’ve ever had.” She says reaching over for Maria’s hand, only to knock water over in the process.

She manages to catch the falling glass, but it ruins the vibe she had been going for. Despite this, it pulls a laugh out of Maria, and she thinks she’ll never tire from the sound.

“I don’t know how you manage to be so smooth and a complete mess at the same time.”  

“It’s all part of charm.” Carol says wiggling her brows.

There’s an energy flowing between them that’s electric, and Carol feels high off it, high off her.

“Well, consider me charmed.” There’s sincerity behind dark eyes and it causes Carol to blush lightly.

The first of their courses comes and they fall easily into conversation. Maria tells her about her work with SHIELD. Maria’s work revolves around testing the new Helicarrier craft. There’s passion in her voice as she discusses it.

As different as they may be now, their love of the skies above is still the same. She tells her of the heartbreak of being dismissed from the Air Force, and although she says it was the right decision, there’s still pain in her voice.

Carol witnesses a wonder and excitement in Maria that reminds her so much of Monica when she tells her about all the planets and stars she’s visited. Monica’s love of the stars and the sky had never just been from Carol’s influence, her mother loved them just as much.  

There’s an unmatched fervour in Maria when she discusses Monica. The little girl with destiny in her eyes; that is a hectic package of intelligence, heart, inquisitiveness and mischief. Carol’s quiet as she revels in watching the other woman talk. It also helps that they are on their favourite topic.

By the time dessert arrives, they’ve both got goofy smiles on their faces and Carol’s confidence is at an all-time high.

She had been afraid there would be a disconnect. That the distance that’s existed between them since her return might grow with the pressure of date. The formal setting of a date has always had the possibility of a confrontation of feelings. Yet, it’s so easy between the two of them; as easy as breathing. With every moment that passes that distance closes.

Once the food is finished and cleared, Maria pulls out a small box.

“I got you something.” She says, almost bashfully.

She’s trying to be indifferent, like it isn’t a big deal but they both know it is.

“Does that mean the date went well?” The blonde wonders; an endearing grin spread across her features.

“The date is not _over_ yet.” She jokes.

Carol opens the box to reveal a small golden necklace with Maria, Monica and her own initials engraved onto it.

The other woman watches her curiously as she opens it, almost as if she is expecting something else to happen when opens it.

She twirls the jewellery between her fingers.  

“I love it. Thank you.” She says appreciatively, but she can tell there’s something else there.

“What is it?”

“The necklace was mine. You bought it for me just before the accident. I could never bring myself to put it on; reminded me of everything I lost.”

Carol can’t recall the memory and Maria sees that, but there isn’t disappointment on her face. In fact, she smiles and pushes it a little closer to the blonde.

“I just thought, that when you’re up there in space saving planets and Skrulls, and whatever else you do, that you could carry a piece of _home_ with you.”

With that one gift, Carol realises just how far gone she is. She’s so in love that she doesn’t believe she could stop, even if lives depended on it.

“Will you put it on me?” She asks.

She could easily put it on herself but there is something deeply intimate about the act of hooking a necklace around someone’s neck.

Maria saunters to her and has her stand to put it on. The both know she could have placed it on whilst the blonde was seated. She discovers that perhaps she is not the only one that craves intimacy.

Maria stands much closer than is necessary, and her fingers linger at Carol’s neck a little. It has her eyes shutting because; the touch, as little and delicate as it was, is electrifying.

She takes a moment to compose herself. When she turns to face Maria, a smile is pulling at her lips, almost innocently.

Carol offers her hand.

“I’ve got a surprise for you too.”

“What is it?”

“Wait and see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to say I appreciate all the comments and those of you really dissecting my words! I love the feedback! Thank youuuu x


	16. The Date (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part Two of the official date with Maria and Carol.

**Date (Part Two)**

 Carol leads Maria inside and surprises her with a karaoke set-up.

“In memory of the good times.” She says filled with glee.  

“You remember any of our songs?” Maria wonders.

“A couple, but Monica gave me a list of your favourite songs currently… I may or may not have spent all day learning the lyrics.” She reveals suddenly coy.

There’s a look that Maria gives her that she can’t quite decipher; its somewhere between complete adoration and heartbreak.

First, they sing the songs Carol remembers from before:

_Like A Prayer – Madonna_

_I Wanna Dance With Somebody – Whitney Houston_

She falls into her old skin and singing with Maria makes her feel closer to the woman she once was, more than she has since the accident. They are silly and a little tipsy, but above all else they are carefree.  It’s as exciting as it once was, and for a moment; Carol truly believes that whatever has been broken with distance might just be mended with song.

However, that theory begins to disintegrate. As they go down the list of songs, its only then Carol realises a common theme to them. All the new songs are about Maria’s loss.

_Together Again – Janet Jackson_

_Un-break My Heart – Toni Braxton_

_I’ll Be Missing You – Puff Daddy & Faith Evans_

_4 Seasons of Loneliness – Boyz II Men_

They don’t get to finish the list of songs.

They are in the middle of the first verse of the ‘Un-break my heart’ when Carol notices Maria is no longer singing along.

She switches it off immediately when she see’s a frown fall across her face.

“It’s ok. I just need some fresh air.” She says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

It’s too late though. Carol’s sensed the change in atmosphere.

She curses herself for not noticing earlier and gives her a few minutes alone before seeking her out.

Maria’s overlooking the city from the balcony of the roof top when Carol joins her. She spares her a brief glance behind when the blonde makes herself known.

Carol can’t see her eyes but imagines there will be hurt in them when she next gazes into them.

What she can see, are the goose bumps littered across her arms. She comes to stands behind her, and subtly uses her powers to provide heat without causing any harm.

She stands close enough to provide heat but doesn’t invade all her personal space. Carol is anxious she’s ruined the night and doesn’t want to push anymore boundaries in fear of undoing all the progress made.

Maria eventually turns to face her a little. She sees that same look from earlier in her eyes. The look that says she’s either completely elated or she’s experiencing some form of heart ache.

Carol waits for Maria to speak, and when she does, it’s a question she hadn’t been expecting.

“Why are you doing this?”

It isn’t a question that should surprise her, yet she still is.

Out of the reflex of keeping her own walls up for so long, she plays dumb.

“Doing what?”

She immediately regrets it when she sees a flash of hurt blinked away in mahogany orbs.

“I love you.” Carol blurts out in attempt to rectify her error.

A sad smile spreads across Maria’s features.

“I know.”

There’s a building frustration because everything had been going so well. The blonde is afraid it will all crumble because of the destruction of the past and the threat of tomorrow.

Carol takes a deep breath. The only way to fix this is with honesty. That has always been Maria’s decree, and no amount of time would change that.

“I’m doing _this_ because I want to show you that I want to be with you.”

There’s doubt in her eyes and suddenly Carol feels very desperate.

“I’ll have to share you with the rest of the universe. What if there’s someone better out there for you.”

She can hardly believe her ears because in no reality can she fathom loving someone else when Maria is there.

“I may not have all my memories, but all I know is that I loved you before and I love you now. I’m no poet but loving you is like loving the nights’ sky. When you fall in love with the moon, you don’t expect it to admire you back… but you did. _Somehow_ , you did. I can’t let that go. So, if you’ll have me, I want to try and make this work.”

Carol’s hands are on her face immediately because this is dangerous territory for them. She can feel the doubt in Maria and she’s clinging onto her for dear life.

“Maria Rambeau, you’re all I’ll ever want.”

A lone tear runs down her cheek and Carol wipes it away. Her mouth opens and closes a couple of times, but nothing comes out. When she does speak, Carol swears she literally hears her heart shattering.  

“I’m afraid.”

Its so quiet the blonde strains to hear it.

“You’re afraid of me?”

Maria looks away.

“ _Please_ , look me.” She pleads.

Mahogany-brown eyes meet honey-brown orbs.

“What is there to be afraid of?” Carol tries to coax out her fears.

“I’ve tried to keep you at a distance; keep my heart safe. Yet, every second I am with you, I feel myself falling desperately for you all over again.”

The words should make her happy, but the way she says it; makes her sound as if Carol’s some god-awful drug that she’s hooked on. The blonde supposes that’s how she must feel. She can’t imagine loving someone who died, came back to life only to forget they were ever in love.

“We _can_ do this.” She begs.

“I know it will be hard. It won’t be like what everyone else has, but we have never been a normal family. I want to do this. I want to be there for you and for Monica. There’s no point in being able to travel at the speed of light if I can’t make it home to you.”

Carol searches her eyes. She’s desperate to clear away the doubt that’s in them.

“How will we make it work?”

That’s enough hope for Carol because Maria’s giving her a lifeline.  

“You give me the date, and I’ll be there. Birthdays, promotions, Christmas, holidays – all of it.”

She rests one hand on her neck and the other at her waist. She wants to kiss her, remind her that what they have is worth fighting for.

“It’s easy to promise that when you’re sitting here in front of me, but what about Captain Marvel’s duties?”

They both know her responsibility to the Skrull are non-negotiable, she’s not here indefinitely, can never be.

“I’ll find a way. I want to try.”

Whatever she has to do to make it work, she’s willing to find a way. There hasn’t been a whole lot about Carol Danvers that she’s been sure of since discovering her true identity but this is the one thing that is crystal clear.

“When you need me, I’ll be there.” She promises.

There’s conflict in Maria but eventually there’s the tiniest nod and her resolve crumbles just a little.

“I just- I need time.” She settles on.

Carol’s surprised because that’s not what she reads in her dark eyes. She’s disappointed and she knows her face is unable to hide it.

“I’m not saying no. I just need a little longer to think about what I want, what is right for Monica and me.” She reassures.  

Although Carol’s disappointed she understands. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knows what she saw. Maria’s eyes had twinkled with hope and she’ll hold onto it for all it’s worth.

A quiet falls between them. It’s not uncomfortable, simply contemplative.

Maria’s gaze has returned to the stars, but Carol’s eyes seem to gravitate back to her over and over.

“Do the stars look as amazing as they do from here on all those planets you visit?”

“Hmm.” She considers the question.

“Not really. There’s something about seeing the stars from earth, that gives you a real sense of wonder.”

Carol stalks behind her and winds her hands around her waist.

“Close your eyes,” Carol requests softly.

Maria hesitates and flashes her an intrigued look but follows her instructions despite this.

“Ok, now make a wish.”

As her dark brows knot together in thought, holding her tightly, Carol begins to lift them into the sky.

“Open your eyes.”

She does so slowly and is awestruck as Carol flies them across the city.

“Higher, further, faster, baby.”

The phrase had always been more than just playful words. They were a vow they’d both made; a vow to live life to the fullest. Now Carol reminds Maria of that promise.  

As they go higher still, Maria is enraptured by the view; the glowing lights of New Orleans. There’s something different about flying without the machines that’s completely freeing.

Eventually they are high enough in the sky that Maria can see the horizon of the earth in the distance.

“Wow.” She repeats Carol’s earlier sentiment.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Not as beautiful as you.”

Maria laughs at the cheesy line but when their gazes meet, she sees no joke in honey-brown eyes.

“I mean it.”

There is the greatest conflict in Maria’s expression and her jaw drops just a fraction, like she wants to say something. Instead, she pours every ounce of her soul into her dark swirling eyes, and they become large and glisten with tears. Carol sees her restraining the urge to move closer and even though she doesn’t move a muscle, the blonde can feel it all.

Despite her internal war with herself, Maria’s eyes drop to Carol’s lips and that’s all it takes for the blonde to close the distance between them. She pushes everything into it, and although hesitant at first, Maria eventually gives back with as much passion.

When they pull back Carol finally hears the three little words, she’s been hoping to hear all night.

“ _I love you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter may contain smut, so may change rating, however the chapter can be skipped.


	17. Boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lines are drawn, and promises are made, but are they definitive?

When Carol and Maria return home it’s with gleaming smiles and bashful eyes. They break through the door giggling and whispering like school girls returning home past curfew. It’s late, much later than either of them intended. Carol has noticed that whenever they are together, time seems to run away from them; a thought she desperately tries to push to the back of head.

They’re a little loose from flying home, and perhaps they are still slightly inebriated from the alcohol in their system. So, when Carol thinks she catches Maria gazing at her with something akin to _desire_ ; she dismisses the notion and blames it on the alcohol.

Yet, there is an unmistakable electricity in the air between them. It was as if the kiss and Maria’s love declaration earlier, had powered them both with some form of energy.

They creep past Dwight, who was babysitting, sleeping on the couch. Maria’s hand is in Carol’s as she is led through the house. She tries not to focus on how the soft skin ignites a storm of butterflies in her stomach.

When they reach the door to the guest bedroom which Carol has been occupying, the dark-skinned woman pauses. Their previous smiles die down a little, as they both nervously itch with unsurety.

Carol is the first to break the quiet that has settled between them.

“Was I right?”

“About what?”

Carol’s eyes dance with endearing hubris.

“Was I the best date you’ve ever had?”

Maria hums and pretends to consider her question. She keeps her waiting long enough for the smug smile on Carol’s face to begin to die down.

“You’re the best of everything.” The sincerity in her voice has the blonde grinning at her softly.

They stare at each other longingly.

“Thank you, for tonight.” She adds.

The energy buzzing between them only builds in a new layer of anticipation. Carol is lost in swirling dark orbs and she thinks she might drown in the all the feelings they trigger.

With every second that passes, they descend further into conflict within themselves. Maria made it clear she was not ready for anything with Carol. _‘I need time.’_ The words that spilled from full lips after Carol’s pleas. For all the waiting Maria had done, it was only fair for her to give her that same curtesy. Carol is desperate to respect that.

Yet, this does little to push to away the want inside them. Love is not what is missing between them; love has never been the question.

They gravitate towards one another. Carol’s hands clutch onto curvy hips gently, pulling the other woman in against her muscular body. The pressure is heavy between them. It feels like their reunion a few days ago; because Maria’s war remains in her eyes, and Carol’s pleading with her to allow one more touch. Even now, after having shared one kiss tonight, Carol will not close the distance unless she is given permission to.

This time, whatever doubts whisper to Maria win, because she closes her eyes and rests her forehead against the blonde’s.

Carol is disappointed but she understands. A kiss is dangerous territory, especially now, in the darkness and silence of night where all things seem possible. It’s not that she is expecting more, it is more that neither of them have any self-control once the line has been passed. Thus, Maria’s small rejection is a line being drawn; whether it is for Carol or herself is unclear.  

“Goodnight, Maria.” She settles on before pulling her in for a parting hug.

“Goodnight, Carol.”

Carol waits by her door and watches Maria pass into her own bedroom.

It takes several seconds before she finally does open the door to the guest room. She nearly jumps out of her skin when she sees the sleeping forms of Monica and her cousin Cora in the bed. She had forgotten that Maria’s brother Dwight had been babysitting a few of the Dubois descendants.   

She checks in Monica’s room to find Cora’s brothers and Dwight’s son asleep.

This leaves Carol with the option of sleeping on Maria’s other sofa, or awkwardly asking to stay in Maria’s bed, without it sounding premediated; or disrespectful of Maria’s set boundaries. However, she decides against the option of sleeping in Maria’s bed. She thinks it is probably a bad idea, especially when Maria’s still deliberating on what their future together will look like.

After changing into pyjamas, she seeks out Maria for some blankets. She knocks lightly on the door and steps in a second later. Her jaw drops when she sees Maria standing there in the most _delicious_ lingerie.

She stutters a few incoherent noises because her mind races. She is very nearly unable to tear her gaze away from the swell of Maria’s breasts against the lace material.

“Yes?” Maria says with an amused cock of her brow.

Carol knows her face is as red as the material of own pyjamas. For someone usually so smooth, Maria has rendered her into a babbling teenager, once again.

The blonde clears her throat and is adamant on looking at anywhere but Maria.

“Dwight – um, the kids are in the rooms – I was just hoping for a blanket for the sofa.”

Maria watches her curiously, a little entertained by the blondes squirming.

“You don’t have to sleep there, you can sleep with me.”

Carol meets her eyes then.

There is a hundred suggestive lines she could respond with, but they are dancing on a fine line as it is. Carol is adamant on staying within the confines of not only Maria’s boundaries, but her own. She doesn’t want to put pressure on Maria, doesn’t want to seem impatient, especially in the face of Maria’s monk-like endurance.  

“Are you sure?”

Since their reunion, they haven’t been alone together in her bedroom. Carol sort of avoided it, and Maria never invited her in. Even now, she’s aware that the invitation only comes as a result of limited choice, rather than Maria’s outright wishes.

They haven’t discussed their frantic and frankly adolescent reunion. The lack of discussion suggested to the blonde that it was likely a mistake on Maria’s part, or at least regretful. She has reasoned with herself that they had both been swept up in emotions of a reality they were no longer in.

“Would I be asking you if I wasn’t?”

Carol doesn’t answer. Her mind takes it as a reminder that despite everything, they are still rediscovering each other. However, it’s been clear with Maria’s little cues; walking Carol to the door of the guest bedroom, omitting a goodnight kiss, she is very much in control of what she wants and does not.  

“Danvers, get in here.” She demands with light jest in her tone.

Carol doesn’t hide the smile that spreads across her face. It’s not a smile tainted with expectation, its an expression of joy because even now, whilst Maria struggles within herself, she still lets her in. She knows that Maria could easily have allowed her to sleep on the sofa; it’s not an uncomfortable or particularly small piece of furniture. Maria _wants_ her there; and once more, there is hope for the future.  

She gets into the bed and turns to face away from Maria, allowing her the privacy of changing; despite how entirely enchanting she looks in her lingerie, and how much Carol would like another glance.

Soon the light goes off and she feels the dip of the other side of the bed.

She doesn’t turn to face Maria, because her mind worries at exactly _how_ to sleep beside the other woman. She can’t remember how it was before, whether their legs tangled or whose arms were around the other. It’s suddenly all she can think about, if she’s doing this right. A small part of her still competes with the woman she used to be, the Carol she can’t remember but Maria can. She wonders whether Maria is finding the situation as strange as she is.

Her growing concerns are alleviated when Maria speaks as if she can hear Carol’s thoughts.

“You used to hold me.” Her voice waivers minutely with heart-breaking vulnerability.

When she turns, Maria’s looking back at her with both expectancy and fear.

She curls an arm over her waist and slips another beneath her. Maria shuffles closer and burrows her face into her neck, leaving her breathing tickling the blonde’s throat faintly.

It’s oddly familiar and simultaneously foreign at the same time. Carol has had hundreds of visions and fantasies over the years of being in bed with Maria, although many not exactly in such an innocent way, yet enough dreams about being lost beneath the covers with her, the rest of the world and its demands be damned.

Although the embrace was Maria’s suggestion, Carol can feel the tautness of her muscles. She is tense in a way that tells Carol that perhaps the control she has had over herself is slowly slipping.

“Is this too much for you?”

Maria forgoes peeking up at her.

“What? No.”

Intimacy with Maria has been something she has craved for longer that her conscious mind has been aware of. So, she presses her warm hand at the small of Maria’s back to pull her in closer.

“Then relax, will you?”

It’s clear Maria hadn’t been aware of the tenseness of her muscles, but with a deep exhale she allows her body to fall.

Soon enough, she feels Maria’s breathing steady. The quiet drives her mind into incessant and unavoidable thoughtfulness. It’s in the darkness of night Carol comes to a realisation.   

“Maria?” She asks after deliberating on the night’s events.

Carol almost believes the other woman has fallen asleep, but she hums in response.

“I know today hasn’t resulted in what I hoped. It doesn’t mean everything I want it to mean.” She begins.

It’s the truth. She made it clear tonight that Maria is all she desires. Yet, Maria has kept her at arms length, which is her prerogative, especially after all she has been through.

At her words, Maria wakes to find familiar honey-brown eyes.

“You’re my great love. There will never be someone else that has given me as much as you. So, I need you to promise me something?”

Maria’s lips twitch, a protest on the tip of her tongue, but she settles on a faint nod.

“Don’t let this – the complicatedness of us, sway your decision. I’m not the Carol Danvers of the past. I know you loved _her_ fiercely, no one waits for nearly a decade, through death and amnesia for someone they don’t love…”

“What are you saying?” Maria interjects.

Carol sighs deeply.

“No matter how much you think it might break my heart, and maybe even your own, don’t let your love for the Carol Danvers of before, prevent you from the love you _deserve._  Promise me you will choose the love which serves you best _. Choose you._ Whether I bring that, or even Frank – or whoever. Just as you have loved me selflessly, I will do the same. I will always love you, no matter what; even when you don’t think I have any more love in me.”

Maria stares down at her, and Carol has that dangerously vulnerable look in her eyes. It astounds her that, despite the fact that Maria is all she has left for herself; she would let her go if she asked.

“I know that I want you, and I love _this_ Carol Danvers as much as the last… I want to choose you.” Maria settles on.

Carols smiles solemnly. Their roles are reversed once more, and it’s Carol that now encourages Maria to take time, because this is a huge decision, which she understands Maria shouldn’t rush into because of feelings of old, or feelings of new.  

“I know.” Carol says softly.

She sees it in her eyes, the near-constant vicious battle between Maria’s heart and mind.

Maria settles back into Carol’s arms.

“Promise me?” Carol whispers into the dark.

There is silence for a beat.

“Okay, I promise.”

She’s thankful for the darkness because a silent tear rolls out the corner of her eye. As much as rejection would destroy her, the thought of Maria choosing her and suffering because of it is infinitely worse. For all Maria has given her; kindness, patience and loyalty, it is the least she can do.


	18. Celestial Connections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol and Maria connect in an old, yet entirely new way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Smut - hopefully it is done tastefully. Fairly long chapter too.

After 30 minutes Carol finds her eyes have been seemingly staring into the black of her eyelids for eons. For a time, she gazed out of the window into the starlit sky; something that has always quelled any insomnia. However, it does nothing for the troubles of her mind tonight.

She doesn’t know _how_ to sleep, not when she can hear Maria’s gentle breathing, and feel the warmth of her body radiating almost unbearably close to her own. She thinks what keeps her awake is the feeling of having Maria’s arms around her, a completely innocent hold which fuels a hurricane of emotions. It is not sexual implications that cause the uneasiness, it’s more the fact that she’s being held. She can’t remember the last time someone _held_ her. There hadn’t been anyone on Hala and certainly not now on her fugitive rescuing missions.

She moves so that she lies on her back, and Maria shifts accordingly. She hopes having nothing but the patterns of the ceiling will distract her from where her mind keeps wondering to.

“Can’t sleep?”

Maria’s voice interrupts her brooding. It’s so completely unexpected, her fist tenses beneath the covers, glowing a little; ready to blast whatever threat to kingdom come.  

Maria chuckles into the dark, and Carol can feel the smile against her neck. A soft hand trails down the blonde’s arm and uncurls the fist and immediately Carol senses _something_ in the air.

It’s in the way she drags her hand teasingly along her skin, and how she’s suddenly feeling soft caressing patterns being lazily drawn into the exposed skin on her stomach.

There’s deafening silence and Carol’s completely forgotten that Maria even spoke, because her focus has shifted to the fluttering feeling building where deft fingers play. For a second, she is half convinced the other woman may be asleep, as there is no way Maria has done a complete 180 and is suddenly giving her signs of seduction.

Beyond that, she feels a feather-light touch at the base of her throat. She thinks it might be Maria’s deep exhale, but she feels it again, more clearly, and it’s definitely the touch of lips pressing into her sensitive skin. They linger there before dragging over to the dip where her neck meets the shoulder.

There’s no misinterpreting the intention of her lips and she is rendered frozen. The thought crosses her mind that, what if _she_ is asleep and this is some tormenting dream, teasing her with everything she wants.

As the kisses go further up her throat and jaw, she pulls away abruptly, to look into dark eyes. It’s taking everything to not question this and just meet Maria’s lips.

It seems that in the act of initiating another kind of intimacy, one she has wanted with every fibre of her being, that it is Carol who now pushes away. The offer of everything she has wanted since the memories of Maria returned, being dangled in front of her, has her thinking of all the reasons Maria should _not_ choose her.

For some reason its Frank’s words that pollute her mind.

 _‘I can give her the life you can’t._ ’

It’s not about Frank. The fact is, there is a type of life Carol can’t provide for her. Presence. Time. Things she knows that even travelling at the speed of light and blasting photons out of her hands can’t fix.

“Wh- what?” Carol manages to push out.

The fight she has been so used to seeing in Maria’s eyes is gone. It’s not lost on the blonde that the excitement she should feel is overshadowed by the gripping fear of having everything she wants handed to her.

“I’ve been laying here, convincing myself not to do _anything_ …”

In any other circumstance, Carol would smirk at this. Instead, she is fearful that this is some cruel twist of fate, and they’ll wake up tomorrow and Maria will come to the same conclusions she has.

“I’ve spent the last few _days_ convincing myself not to do anything. Afraid for my heart, and have been building careful walls around it, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend like the last eight years haven’t felt desperately lonely without you, that I haven’t thought of you every single one of those days.”

Maria’s resolve shatters, and with it so does Carol’s.

Their lips meet frantically somewhere in the middle, and its with a vigour neither of them have given thus far. As their tongues dance for dominance; Carol attempts to push away every thought in her mind screaming at her to stop.

The blonde wonders if Maria hates the hold she has on her, wonders especially now, as her fingers curl in blonde hair, and a and sharp gasp escapes her lips from the thigh Carol places between hers. She ultimately decides she doesn’t want to know. Either way, the hold they have on each other is all-consuming; it’s difficult to know if either of them actually have any control over it.

It’s exhilarating, the way Maria’s hips shift, and how her touch feels hotter than even her powers. Full lips kiss her with an intensity that surprises her, though she knows it shouldn’t – it has been a long time for Maria too. Yet, while there has been no one since Maria for Carol, she can’t help but wonder if there was someone else in their time apart.

Carol’s movements slow because if there was ever a competition with someone, it’s with the _old_ Carol. Her memories, and dreams have never been clear enough for her to know exactly which was real and which was fantasy. So, her hands remain resolutely in place at Maria’s hips, because even though they have done this before, it is also completely new.

The rational and irrational parts of her brain are not two distinct regions right now. In the promising darkness of night, there is only feral want and subdued reason.

When Maria pulls back, her breath tremoring against her lips, Carol closes her eyes. She doesn’t want to look in those impossibly dark eyes, and see rejection, even though it was Maria who initiated it.

“Carol.”

Her heart sinks and she keeps her eyes clamped shut.

She’s forced to open them when beats of silence go by. What she sees isn’t regret, instead something akin to awe and amusement twinkle at her.

“Where’s your head at?”

For once, her head is not in the clouds; it’s swirling with a hundred thoughts about how she is drunk from Maria’s touch, and dizzy from her kisses.

“I – ”

Carol’s words fail her. She’s debilitated under the pressure of such vulnerability.

“I need you to show me…”

Carol flips them over gently, so that she hovers above Maria.

“…tell me, what you want.”

Maria searches her eyes, flickering from one to the other, before giving her a subtle nod.

Carol settles her weight lightly on top of Maria before capturing her lips again. This kiss is different from the last, just as the one before had been different. Each meant something different; _I found you, I want you, I need you._

Maria’s lips are soft yet needy. Blunt nails dig into the skin at the small of Carol’s back, and Maria’s hips rock against her own with growing insistence. When a searing tongue slips past her lips and strokes against her own, a moan rumbles from the depth of Carol’s core. Maria’s kisses build her in ways confusing to her, as if her mouth can heal all the scars of her amnesia; and construct a _new_ Carol.

She succumbs to the calling of her heart, her head be damned, and with all insecurity gone, she presses passionately. The realisation of finally being intimate with Maria, in this way, drives her. 

Maria’s hands trace up her ribcage until they find their destination and palm her breasts. Her thumbs pitch gently against her hardening nipples eliciting another moan from the blonde. Carol lips trail along the column of her throat, in hopes of muffling all the sounds Maria expertly pulls from her. She finds with every new movement of Maria’s her groans become louder.

Soon Maria’s fingers find the edge of her shirt, tugging it up, a silent question in the action. Carol is too far gone to stop now, and lifts the shirt up and off. The feeling of Maria’s bare hands on her skin is electrifying and it causes an insistence to have Maria’s skin against her own.

When Maria’s top is thrown aside, Carol pauses long enough to drink in the sight of her. She is completely under the spell of dark skin and enchanting eyes. Maria’s skin is _star_ kissed against the nights sky, and Carol can’t understand how otherworldly she looks.

“You’re beautiful.” It just slips out, and as cheesy as it should sound, there’s no embarrassment in Maria’s eyes; only unadulterated desire.

Carol kisses her way down Maria’s body, brushing her lips against every patch of skin she can; tracing her tongue over her collarbone and along her sternum. She has thought about this more times than she can admit, but her mind does no justice to the celestial being that is Maria.

The subtle smell of Maria’s sweet perfume and the whimper that falls out her plump lips when Carol’s mouth claims a straining nipple; were far more divine than her brain’s fantasies.

As she continues her purposeful path, she pauses to peek up and sees the softest expression on Maria’s face. She must pause too long though, because Maria’s hands push gently at her shoulders, revealing just how much she wants this.

Carol grins triumphantly, and she knows the thrust of Maria’s hips which provides friction against her and has her involuntarily moaning; is in retaliation to her smugness.

Although, it is somewhat new, the blonde is amazed at her muscle memory; how her fingers, lips and body remember what her mind forgot. When Maria takes one of her hands and guides it between them, below the waistband of her pyjama pants, Carol is genuinely astounded that she ever _forgot_ this.

In quick and frantic succession, they kick off all remaining layers between them. She settles her weight atop of Maria, and her breath hitches sharply feeling every inch of Maria’s naked body pressed against her own. It takes a few seconds for her to act because she’s sure she has forgotten how to breathe.

Maria’s warm fingers wrap around her wrist and drags her hand down until it is between her legs. It kickstarts Carol’s breathing again, but now her heart is racing so fast she’s sure she is going to hyperventilate. Maria’s hand squeezes reassuringly at her wrist. Carol kisses her then and pulls back to watch as she slides two fingers against Maria’s flesh.

The sound it elicits is somewhere between a hiss and curse, and it sends the most arousing sensations to the blonde’s core. Her fingers are tentative at first, figuring out what motions get the greatest reactions. She finds slow surges, of in and out, have Maria humming. The noises are music to Carol’s ears, but she’s also aware that they are not alone in the house; so, she swallows Maria’s moans with her lips.

She wants more though. She _needs_ more.

She continues her formerly forgotten path down Maria’s body. Leaving voracious kisses down her neck, breasts, and at the base of her stomach. She settles herself between Maria’s thighs, and peeks up before going any further.

What she sees is Maria’s eyes shut in anticipation, bottom lip ensnared between her teeth, and chest heaving. Carol is transfixed by the image, and it’s almost inconceivable that this has happened, even though she shouldn’t be surprised.

Carol teases her with kisses around where she knows Maria wants her mouth. She takes pleasure in seeing her squirm, and even chuckles when a hand grips her neck and a plea falls from Maria’s lips.

_“Please.”_

Her mouth closes around the bud of nerves, and she feels Maria shudder. Carol’s own groan comes when she tastes Maria’s desire on her tongue. There’s plenty of it, and she groans again at the sensation it gives her; astounded that Maria still wants her so badly, after everything.

Her tongue and mouth swirl, lick, and spin in ways she didn’t know she could do. It’s completely intoxicating, as Maria writhes and bucks completely to her command. She doesn’t want it to end, she’d happily live and die in the space between Maria’s thighs.

Her movements become faster, both mouth and hand working in synergy, she feels Maria itching closer to becoming completely undone. There is a tight squeeze at the fingers laced between her own, thighs begin to close around her, and a hand gently twists in her hair.

Maria’s breathing shortens with every rhythmic motion, some silent, staccato gasps, which Carol thinks she sees attempting to form her name.

“Ca- ca...”

She pulls back abruptly, and Maria’s eyes open immediately in protest.

“No – no, that wasn’t stop.” She stutters.

However, Carol’s pause is because she wants to watch her come undone; wants the memory branded in her mind for the rest of eternity, so she can never forget it again.

“Look at me,” Carol commands softly.

It takes a second for her eyes to focus but the two shades of brown do meet. Although Maria’s eyes are usually dark, they are completely dilated, and there isn’t a trace of the dark mahogany in them. Carol sees galaxies instead of just pupils staring back at her.

Without ever taking her eyes off Maria’s, her mouth lowers again, and her tongue and hand resume their quickening rhythm. Maria’s eyes remain open, as Carol’s ministrations push her closer to the edge.

Carol doesn’t think she has ever been more turned on in her life, the ache between her own legs building.

When Maria comes her face contorts into pure bliss, back arches off the bed, hand fists blonde tresses; and Carol’s name falls out from her lips.

“Carol.” It’s said almost as a prayer.

Carol realises she has never seen or heard anything more spectacular than this.

She surges up and meets Maria’s lips with an insistency that overtakes her entire body. Soon, just the touch of Maria against her core has her coming undone.

Afterwards, Maria rests atop of her chest and Carol languidly draws patterns of the constellations across her ever-dark skin, something that has always fascinated her, the rich dark hue with the softness of a thousand feathers.

It is in the coming down of the high of Maria, when the light of the dawn permeates the room that a certain dread creeps into Carol’s bones. A terror which is only reinforced when her communications device sounds a short while later.

She reads the message:

_Found Kree ship base. We need you._

It’s with a heavy heart that Carol doesn’t wake a sleeping Maria to say goodbye. She plans on returning the moment she destroys the Kree ships, she doesn’t plan to be gone longer than a few days, so there isn’t much point waking Maria, she tells herself. Yet, a tiny voice, which she drowns out, tells her she is too cowardice to face the truth of her actions.

Even though she loves Maria, Captain Marvel does have a non-negotiable duty to the Skrull and the rest suffering across the universe.

Instead, she kisses Maria’s sleeping form.

“I’m coming back.” She whispers.

It’s selfish she knows, but she can’t stand to see disappointment in Maria’s big brown eyes.

She leaves her communications device on the bedside table, hoping that will be enough of a sign that she intends to keep her word to her family.

She visits Monica before she leaves, but she doesn’t realise wakes her and is followed her out to the yard.

“You’re leaving?”

Carol turns to see Monica standing by the door, still groggy from sleep.

“They need me, Trouble. I’ve got to go.”

There is sadness which wipes across her face, but she runs out for a hug despite this.

“I’ll be back in a few days, you won’t even notice I’m gone.” Carol promises.

The words wipe away the frown which had settled on Monica’s face.

“And look after your mom okay?”

Monica nods and Carol departs in a flash of light, and with a heavy, heavy heart. She realises it was much easier to leave when she didn’t know how much she loved Maria.

It’s at times like this Carol wishes she could have her old life back. Although most of her memories are half formed mist-like reminisces, with the newest memories fresh in her mind, she wants it all back so desperately.


	19. The Hero's Burden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol discovers the downsides of being a superhero.

**The Hero’s Burden**

Carol is gone for a lot longer than a few days. When she arrived back with Talos, they were caught in the middle of war. Not only were the Kree in conflict with the Skrulls, but they also declared war on the Shi'ar Empire. However, the beginning of that war resulted in the end of their pursuit of the Skrulls. After many a long night, Carol negotiated an alliance with Majestrix Lilandra of the Shi'ar Empire and she _finally_ found the Skrulls a home.

A huge festival is thrown for Captain Marvel at their new home. The Skrull and Shi'ar come together for the beginning of a new dawn.

Carol has completed her mission, and as she looks across the many happy faces there is a feeling of satisfaction. Yet, something still nags at the hero, and to avoid the darker places of her minds, Carol allows herself to drink it away.

As celebrations go on into the night, Majestrix Lilandra and Talos pause for unexpected speeches; thanking the brooding blonde.

“To the beginning of a peaceful and prosperous alliance between our two races. General Talos and the Skrull will always be protected under the Shi'ar Empire. Lastly, to Captain Marvel, the hero the universe needs, and a remarkable woman.” Lilandra toasts.

Carol has come to admire the other woman in the time she’s gotten to know the ruler. The Majestrix is just and forward-thinking in a way that Carol has only ever seen in her mentor Dr Wendy Lawson.

Next, Carol is surprised with gifts for her war efforts and peace negotiations. Lilandra gifts her with a starship capable of moving faster-than-light. As altruistic as the gift may seem, Carol also knows Lilandra is a strategist, and this gift does not come without strings.

It’s the Skrulls gift which touches her heart the most. Talos presents the name of their new registered cluster of planets.

“To the _Maria Cascade_!”

Talos had been adamant on her choosing the name. At first, she resisted but after the suggestion of ‘Carol’s Planets’, she was easily swayed to name it anything different. The ‘Maria Cascade’ came about almost as if it were fate. Carol and Lilandra’s most advance technologists used an experimental technology, known as a Stellar Engine, to move stars. The orbit of the planets around the stars created the cluster of planets which were given to the Skrull. Carol noticed the relocated stars were in the shape of an ‘M’ from a distance. There had been something about ‘the _Maria Cascade’_ which rolled off the tongue easily; that, or she was a lovesick fool.

Although thankful, it makes her uncomfortable, being treated as a god when she feels anything but. The hero that Captain Marvel is becoming, made almost legend now by her victory against the Kree, is something she continues to struggle to balance. Her smiles do not quite reach her eyes, and her mind is plagued by a memory she can’t quite grasp.

It’s with the final toast of the night, Talos says something which brings back the buried memory.

“To Captain Marvel, the woman who _ended_ the war!”

_We don’t fight wars, we end them._

The words taught to her by her mentor, that were spinning around her head often, as of late. Along with the words, came a long-forgotten conversation between her and Dr Lawson during the early months of her training, long before she became Captain Danvers.

The older woman had always sort of hovered around, and so quickly, Carol gravitated towards her. Their relationship went beyond mentor and student; there was an almost motherly protectiveness to her. Perhaps it was the lack of love from Carol’s own mother that somehow had her seeking out Lawson. Whatever it was, among respect and admiration, Carol found a confidant in the Doctor.

“Why did you join the Force?” Lawson asked one day.   

“I needed to get away from home.”

Although Carol can’t really remember the reason now, there’s something inside her that doesn’t seek to retrieve the memories of her childhood. The snippets she does have, tell her she would rather not remember the rest.

“Most people go to college for that.” Lawson joked.

“I’ve always loved the stars and the skies. I’ve always dreamt about one day flying out there, seeing what there is, leaving everything behind.” 

Something inside of her always knew her destiny lie in the distant calls of the night’s sky.

“And do you still dream that now?”

“Every night.”

She remembers the long look Lawson had given her. She could never decipher the other woman, but she knew something was concluded about her that day.

“Have you ever considered what you might have to give up, to go there – beyond the moon?” She questioned.

“I have no family, no lover to keep me here. I’d leave it all behind to see what’s up there.”

Lawson had given her one of the saddest smiles she could recall, but she hadn’t noticed it then.

“You have more than you know. Take it from a lonely old woman, dreams tend to cost you everything you have. They’re like a jealous lover who refuses to share you with anybody.”

She hadn’t understood it at the time. How could she? Carol had been naïve, and the scope of her vision cloaked by the veil of inexperience.

She understood it now though, lightyears from where her heart lie and the woman who held it.

Talos pulls her from her reverie some time later.

“You know for a cocky little human, you’re not half bad.” He says with a warm smile plastered across his features.

“Is that your way of saying you’re going to miss me, General?” She says proudly, emphasising the new title appointed to him by his people.

“In all seriousness, Carol, thank yo –”

“You don’t have to, after everything, we’re friends.” She interrupts the green figure.

Her time with Talos, his family and the other Skrull leaders was the most fulfilling thing she had ever done. What Talos didn’t realise was that her mission, had been about more than righting the wrongs of _Vers_ past, it allowed her to discover who Captain Marvel would be.

“No, we’re family.” He corrects his voice clipped with emotion.

She nods in agreement. Through the ups and downs, somewhere along the journey they became family.

“This is not the end.”

“It is for you, Carol. You’re done, you have repaid any debt you owed a million times over.”

He knows her well, has to, after all the time they have spent fighting side by side.

Although, she has achieved what she set out to do, the great sense of relief she expected to experience never comes. She gets to go home, for longer than a few days, and instead of relief she is terrified.

“Sitting here drinking your problems away, only works if you actually enjoy yourself.” He notes, catching the faraway look in her eyes.

She has little energy to complain, because he is right, as usual. The drinks have done little to lift the melancholy which has settled itself around her.

“I’m the most powerful being in the universe, I’ve completed my mission, and now I’m free to do whatever I choose and yet, I’m miserable… nothing _feels_ how I imagined it would.” She reveals.

Something akin to understanding settles in his eyes, as he watches her curiously.

“There’s little joy in victory when it has cost you everything to get it. It’s the greatest burden of a hero; having everything and yet nothing at the same time.” He deduces.

She considers his words. That’s what Lawson had tried to warn her about over a decade ago. The stars would cost her everything.

“Maria’s mad at you. You’re mad at you. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ve been miserable for lot longer than these celebrations.”

For some reason, he has always seemed to know Carol’s worries better than herself. Perhaps it was from having ventured inside her mind, all those years ago, in their first meeting. Maybe it was because Carol has never been good at hiding her emotions.  

“I screwed up. I didn’t say goodbye. The price of it has been an unbearable deafening silence.” She admits.

She has sat waiting by the communication device for more nights than she knows is healthy; praying and hoping for a sign that she hasn’t completely ruined things. Monica has kept in regular contact. Although, these days, her updates are far less detailed than when Carol first left; she’s not sure what to make of that though.

“But you didn’t reach out to her either.” It’s not a malicious accusation, just a cold, hard truth.

“I don’t want to keep disappointing her.” Her voice is small in way she’s never exposed, and in it the depth of her unhappiness is revealed.

“Then stop. The only things she can be disappointed in you for, are the actions you make that hurt her.”  

He places his hands on her shoulders.

“Don’t let the superhero take away the human. It’s your humanity that makes you powerful, not just the powers that flow through you.”

Talos embraces her tightly.

“Anyway, it’s not like you won’t be able to find us again, The _Maria Cascade_ will still be here…now go home to _your_ Maria.”   

It’s with those words she finally leaves.


	20. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol finally faces the consequences of her actions.

**Consequences**

When she returns, landing on the edges of the Louisiana Bayou near Maria’s home, the feeling of dread sets in. However, the desperate want of seeing Maria and Monica drives her feet towards the house.

She carries with her gifts for her family, yet something about it feels cheap; like an absent husband who placates his wife’s loneliness with meaningless expensive gifts. She places them aside, deciding they would be better received when she hasn’t just come crawling back with her tail tucked between her legs.

She takes a deep breath, preparing herself and knocks at the familiar door. She could let herself in, but she’s not sure she would be welcome.

She knows that she’s messed up, but the extent of the damage, she has no idea. There’s little time to worry about it, as she sees a silhouette come towards the door.

It’s in the few seconds before the door opens that Carol finds herself praying to every god she’s ever heard of.

When Maria opens the door, a variety of different emotions pass across her face. It seems every time Carol crashes back into her life, there are a few seconds where Maria has to convince herself her reality is real. The blonde is hopeful when dark features reveal relief. She takes it as a good sign, even if Maria does eventually school her features into a frown.

Despite the anxiety inside her, Carol is awe-struck. Maria looks more beautiful than ever.

“How goes the day captain?” The blonde finds herself saying, her most charming smile spread across her face.

She knows immediately her charm won’t work, Maria’s frown deepens, and a fire ignites in dark eyes. She hadn’t meant to start with that, she meant to begin with an apology. It’s only once the words are out of her mouth, she realises she’s said the wrong thing, and she curses herself at her idiocy.

Maria grinds her jaw a few times before she eventually speaks.

“I’m late for work.”

It is ice cold and Carol knows she deserves it.

“I know I messed up –”

“I don’t want to hear it Carol.” She says in a sharp no-nonsense tone.

The dark-skinned woman turns swiftly on her heels before Carol has another opportunity to say anything else.

The fact that Maria doesn’t slam the door in her face gives Carol a little hope that maybe not all is completely lost. Maria could throw her out, probably _should_ throw her out; but still she leaves the door open for her.

When Carol reaches her, Maria is occupying herself with placing dishes back into cupboards, but Carol can see the stiffness of her every movement.

She’s not sure what she’d prefer. She thinks for a second that maybe she would prefer Maria’s anger; for her to shout at her, at least that way Carol would know she still cares.

After months of the silent treatment, only made worse by their distance, she’d take anything if Maria just spoke.

“Maria.”

Carol attempts to approach her apprehensively, but the other woman evades her, moves away. It’s not lost on the blonde that Maria is trying to put as much distance between them, literally moving to the other side of the kitchen island.

Carol has always cherished the physicality of their relationship, always spoken better through touch. The blonde supposes it is the very reason Maria all but runs away from her; she knows Carol might just worm her way back into her heart with a soft touch to her cheek.

“I know you’re angry with me, you have every right to be…” Carol begins.

Maria’s back is to her, and she continues on with some busying task to avoid her.  

“I’m an idiot. I should have said goodbye, I just –”

Her words fail her. Everything she says sounds empty. She doesn’t know what to say, in spite of having imagined and practiced her apology at least a thousand times in all the time she’s been gone.

“I don’t – I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven.” Her voice is carefully emotionless.

It’s clear that despite her words, she’s far from forgiven.

“You don’t mean it.”

“I forgave you, what more do you want from me?”

Maria pauses then. Leans over the worktop and drops her head down. She won’t even look at her, and Carol thinks she might die if she never sees those dark mahogany eyes stare back at her with love again.

“Baby, please look at me?”

Maria remains resolutely with her back to the blonde and resumes roughly with the task in front of her. Carol’s said the wrong thing again because she feels the shift in mood from passive aggression to something infinitely more precarious.

Her temper is on a hair-trigger. Carol knows to pick her words _very_ carefully, the next wrong word might result in an explosion neither of them can recover from.

“Maria, I know I should have said goodbye and not left the way I did.” She struggles to fight the suffocating silence between them.

Maria whips around and slams her fist to the kitchen island. A few plates shatter in her rage and fall onto her hand. When she winces in pain; naturally, Carol reaches out to her.

“Don’t touch me.” She says through gritted teeth, snatching her hand away, as if Carol’s touch would burn her. It’s painful the way she repels from her. The blonde’s hands fall uselessly to her sides.

Maria’s hand shakes vigorously; whether from physical pain or emotional pain is unclear.

“I want to apolo –” She tries again.

“WHAT? WHAT IS IT YOU WANT?” Maria’s yell reverberates in the blonde’s ears like a clap of thunder.

Her nostrils flare, her chest heaves and there is a firestorm in her eyes. She’s livid and this scares Carol because she’s never seen her like this. In the face of her rage, Carol realises that neither anger nor nonchalance is better. She hurt Maria, and this was the consequence of her callousness.

“I just want to talk.”

“Oh, _now_ you want to talk?” There is sarcasm dripping off her words.

“I didn’t mean to be gone so long.” She attempts to explain.

“It’s been nearly a _fucking_ year Carol!” She spits out the words like a curse.

Maria doesn’t cuss, she’s always had a full vocabulary of words that could always relay any emotion. Nor does she have a temper, and it’s with the violent adjective that Carol realises just how much she underestimated the depth of her emotional wounds.

“I thought you were dead for _six_ years, and then you fall out of the sky no idea who you are, begging me to put you together. You _FORGET_ about us, about me – and still I hold my heart out for you, when you come hurtling out the sky again.”

Carol’s mouth opens and closes like a stupid fish. She’s aware that anything she could say will sound as worthless and weak as everything else she’s said so far.

Maria exhales sharply, trying to remove the anger shaking her.

“ _You_ were the one that convinced _me_ that you could do this, that you wouldn’t be gone years at a time. You made me believe there was a chance for us, against my better judgement.”

“I meant it – it’s just – ”

Carol meant every word she’d pleaded with. She wanted it more than anything, still wants it more than anything.

“You asked me to chose what was right for me and when you left you made the choice for me. Did you not trust me to make the decision for myself?”

“No, that’s not it –”

But Maria’s not finished talking, and is fuelled on by the red heat of anger which overtakes her.

“I allowed you into my bed, into my heart _again_ – and you disappeared into the night; allowed me to wake up like some cheap C-53 booty call!”

Carol hears every word, _feels_ every word. She’s destroyed the woman she loves, and it silences her.  

“SAY SOMETHING!”

“I’m sorry.” It comes out as a whisper, as weak and pathetic as she feels.

Maria scoffs at the words and folds her hands across her chest.

“I’m sure you are. Every time things get hard for you, you get to come back to your _trusty Maria_ ; knowing I’ll always be here waiting for you, despite what it does to me – like the damn fool I am **.** ”

“I _AM_ sorry.” She says quickly.

“Did you ever really love me?” Her voice softens in the most heart-breaking way, and Carol is washed in shame. Her actions have made Maria doubt her love, the _one_ thing that has never been in question, in all they have been through.   

“– _you_ – this Vers – Carol hybrid.” Maria’s eyes look her over in a way that makes her shift uncomfortably.

Carol understands it’s an easy conclusion to come to, especially when she slithered away into the night, without a single word of goodbye. It couldn’t be further from the truth though.

“Of course, I love you! That’s all I’ve ever been sure about.” She says exasperated.

Maria runs a hand through her cropped curls and fixes Carol in a stare that could freeze the Pacific.

“You don’t leave people you love.” She accuses.

 _“No_ , I didn’t leave.”

“Yes, you did.”

 “I, I – I didn’t leave _you_.” Carol argues.

“Yes. You did.” Her voice is quiet, and it quivers in a way that shakes the blonde.

Carol staggers backwards when she’s confronted with the truth. Maria is right. She did leave. It was more than not saying goodbye, she ran away. She spent all her time away convincing herself that she was the good guy in the story, painting herself to be something that she wasn’t. She could have called, _should_ have called, visited even for a day to reassure Maria that it was duty which took her away. Instead, she hid in fear; neither truly committed nor fully out.

“I hate you for leaving me.” Maria admits.

It’s meant to make the blonde flinch, and the words hit their mark. The raw honesty of the statement packs a punch more powerful than the energy she can blast out of her hands. Carol can’t even be upset at the other woman for wanting to hurt her, after all the pain she’s been put through, it must be a release to share some of it.

As a silence falls between them, Carol recalls the very first promise she made; ‘ _You’ll never be alone, I’ll never leave you.’_ The vow seems worthless now she’s broken it, after she swore she wouldn’t.

“You know, for all that you say you don’t remember your past, this reminds me a lot of the girl I first met. I remember how you would play your games, and you played all those girls, and left before things got real – but you _never_ did that to me… until now.”

Carol is astounded.

“You have NEVER been a game to me.” Carol feels the pricks of her own temper building.

“So why did you leave?”

Carol sighs.

 **“** I don’t know!” She snaps.

She isn’t angry with Maria, merely frustrated at the situation, more upset with herself because now she has to face the consequences of her actions. She’s lost Maria’s trust.

“Then why are you here?” Maria’s voice raises to match her own.

“For the same reason I keep coming back, and I know its selfish, but I want you.” She rushes out the sentence.

Maria’s anger disappears as fast as it came, and leaves behind a devastating sadness. Maria considers the words for so long Carol begins to think she won’t respond at all.

“Maybe that’s the problem.”

The blonde yearns to reach over to her, to remove the barrier between them, both physically and metaphorically.

“You’ve always _wanted_ me, and I’ve _needed_ you. Why else would I keep letting you back in, holding out a flame for you?”

Maria takes in a deep shaky breath.

“I suppose it must be scary to have someone’s heart so completely, to be responsible for their happiness…I think a part of you knew that, and that’s why you left. You figured out that I need you more than you need me. Maybe you were right to go.”

The soft words analysing their relationship is more a stream of consciousness in conversation with herself. There is self-doubt in dark eyes and it’s gut-wrenching for the blonde to know she is the cause of her insecurities.

“That is not true, Maria. I was wrong to leave, I was wrong. I need you as much as I want you. I got it into my head that _I_ wasn’t good enough… I never meant to hurt you.”

“But you did.”

She’s not sure whether she preferred the anger, in the face of Maria’s hurt and disappointment.

“I’m sorry,” she says again.

Although spoken in well intentioned purity it triggers something in mahogany orbs.

“Sometimes I wish you never remembered me, that you could have flown off into the stars and let me alone. If you’d stayed away maybe I might have moved on.” It’s not said in anger, she says it so softly Carol knows that it is true.

She’s caused more harm than good. Never what she intended or what Maria deserved, and now here she was again; begging Maria for more. It’s a wonder Maria has any energy left at all.

A contemplative stillness wraps itself around them. Maria staring off into the distance and Carol willing her to look back at her.

When their eyes meet, the words Maria speaks are like a shot to the chest.

“I can’t love you anymore, it’s killing me.”

Maria is clearly surprised too. The words which fell were clearly something she never thought she'd even think, let alone say out loud.

In that instant their relationship shatters into glassy shards. Nothing will ever be the same again. Carol can see that Maria might just be done with her, and she’s in despair because despite everything, she could never have seen this coming.

“Do you want me to go?” The blonde hides her face, wanting to hide the tears which roll down her face.

“I’ve never had any say in when you come and go, why should I now.” Maria says resigned.

Carol isn’t sure she can take anymore hits before she breaks down completely, but Maria doesn’t say anymore. Instead, she leaves her standing there in guilt and shame. The front door slams a few minutes later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I live for angst, it's who I am. Don't hate me pls :(


	21. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol deals with the fallout of her actions, and receives advice from an unexpected source.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love your thoughts on the previous chapter. Carol did Maria dirrrrty, she sort of deserved the riot act.

**The Aftermath**

Carol is near destroyed by her confrontation with Maria. She has been ripped apart and exposed by ugly, brutal; candour. They say the truth hurts, but _this_ , is devastating for her.

She has been selfish, where her lover has only ever been patient and understanding. She has taken and demanded, and Maria has given all she has, over and over. It is not lost on her that mere hours ago she was being celebrated as a superhero of the greater universe. Now, she is the furthest thing from a saviour; she is destruction and pain to the person she loves the most. The worst thing is, she has no one to blame but herself.

Whether she understood the implications or not, she still left, despite knowing all Maria went through. It’s the hardest thing she’s ever faced, knowing that she has been so callous and reckless. Now, their relationship, romantic or otherwise hangs on by a thread.

_I can’t love you anymore, it’s killing me._

Every time her mind wanders back to the words, it feels as if she is back in that moment. Maria staring back at her with despair in her eyes. The pain she felt at the statement could only be described as an excruciating, searing pain in her chest, as if the hero’s heart really had exploded. 

She hates herself for wallowing and feeling sorry for herself. It frustrates her that she doesn’t even know where to begin to put the pieces of Maria’s heart together again. She broke trust, and trust is not something easily won back. It’s not enough to move stars, for her to be worthy of Maria she must move the universe. Maria has demonstrated unconditional, unrelenting and true selflessness with her heart. The blonde understands that she must be humbled, that she will have to strip away every layer of herself and lay herself bare to even deserve forgiveness, let alone love.  

Carol sits in the house that still feels like home despite the circumstances. She waits riddled with guilt and when the telephone rings she’s deathly afraid that Maria is calling to tell her to be gone before she gets back.

She lets it ring until it stops. Even now, she clings on to Maria, even though she knows she is undeserving.

The phone rings again, and she loads herself with a hundred ready apologies. She’s prepared to beg for a minute longer, a second even, just to linger and appreciate what she’s taken for granted.

“Hello?”

“Carol?” A familiar voice responds.

“Fury?”

“You’re back. That explains Maria’s absence… can you tell her, if she’s going to take days off when you come, can she at least let us know – ”

“She’s not at work?”

Nausea swirls at the pit of her stomach.

“She’s not with you either?”

Maria had only ever gone ‘missing’ once before. It was the day she found out she was pregnant, and the day Frank proposed. Although Maria quickly came to love Monica, in the passionate and incomprehensible way, in which only a mother can; the day she found out had not been a pleasant one. Monica was an accident. Maria was young and in love with someone she knew was nowhere near ready to be a father. She remembers Maria’s words that day.

_“I’ve seen this story a million times in my neighbourhood. Babies having babies. It’s a hopeless situation.”_

The other woman came to Carol seeking advice. As Carol reflects now; she thinks Maria may have been asking her to fight for her, even back then. Long before any admission of love had been uttered between them.

_“Tell me I shouldn’t marry him. Tell me I’m too young, that I’ll grow to resent Frank for all I’ll sacrifice for him.”_

Carol hadn’t been able to find the right words that day either. Maria disappeared for hours, not a word to either Frank or Carol. The pair searched high and low, to no avail. When she did return, decisions had been made. Decisions simultaneously right and wrong. Frank hadn’t been able to convince her to get the abortion he wanted; and Carol was unable to sway her into waiting before marrying the boy who had yet to escape his childhood. They were married within the week. Her conclusions post her disappearance were final.

So now, Maria’s disappearance feels much like the last, and the blonde can only hope that the decision she comes to is one in her favour.  

“Carol?” Fury prompts Carol from her thoughts.

“She’s not here.” Her voice clips and betrays her, the emotion of it catching in her throat.

“What’s happened?” He wonders, hearing her tone.

“We had a fight.”

“Ahh, the doghouse.”

There’s a quiet over the phone. Carol wonders just how much Fury knows about them, and even though she trusts her old friend, she still doesn’t know how he might react.

“She’s been living under the impression that you abandoned her.” He says after a while.

“She told you?”

Although, she shouldn’t be surprised, Monica has relayed to her about their regular dinner’s with Fury.

“Not exactly. I suspected, and it was sort of confirmed after you disappeared last year. Maria changed. It’s like a light went out, and now a pain only from heartbreak sits behind her eyes.”

Carol sighs heavily. It’s yet another reminder of just how wrong her actions have been, and how tremendous the consequences are.

“My mind and heart have been a whirlwind of push and pull. Not because I don’t love her, or don’t want to be with her, but because I don’t want her to grow to resent me. The only life I can provide for her is likely to be filled with disappointment. I guess I’ve sort of proven that right. I want her to have a happy, full, _loved_ ; life… and yet…”

“You don’t want her with anyone else.”

She nods as if he can see her.

“It’s selfish and foolish, I know. The truth of the matter is I wanted two different lives at the very same time.”

The ramifications of wanting to have her cake and eat it too, are still playing out. The fallout and the extent of the damage seem to be extending with every second which passes. Carol realises that she must uncover all of the rubble to understand the devastation she has caused before she can even begin to rebuild.

“Have I lost her?” She wonders.

It’s not something she should be asking, but she trusts Fury to not paint a rosy picture and give his honest opinion, no matter how hard it may be to swallow.  

“I don’t know. What I can say is, I imagine all she wants is for you to fight for her the way you fight for the universe. Obliterate her defences like you did those Kree ships and show her you love her as much as she has loved you. Don’t let her believe for a second longer that you’ve given up on her.”

With his words she can tell he has thought about it, that he is probably secretly rooting for them, and that warms her heart.

“And what if I try and still lose her?”

“If you don’t, you’ll lose her anyway. Your back is up against the wall, you can either let it crush you or you can get up and act.”

He’s right, of course, and his words merely echo the thoughts which have been spinning around her mind since her confrontation with Maria.

 “I’ll earn back her love.” She vows more to herself than the man on the other side of the phone.

“Well, I suggest coming here and picking up her daughter. It may be a sure way to get back into her good graces.”

It’s a weekday and Carol is more than certain the young girl is supposed to be at school.

“What’s going on?”

“You better get down here.”


	22. Rebellion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol meets her teenage daughter.

**Rebellion**

When Carol arrives at SHIELD base of operations, she’s led to Fury’s office. On the door reads, ‘N. Fury, Head of Operations, Louisiana’. She pauses to appreciate the plaque, proud of her old friend, for having risen up the ranks so quickly.

“Carol Danvers.” He greets her, and strangely it feels like 1995 all over again.

However, there’s no time to catch up and his ominous request left her worrying the entire journey over. She had driven over to the facility which gave her time to let her thoughts run wild, with all the possible scenarios she could be walking into.

“Where’s Monica, what happened?”

“She’s alright. It’s just we caught her, and another kid, Remy LeBeau, goes by the name of Gambit, trying to steal the Tesseract.”

That was the last thing Carol expected him to say. Although, she’s pleased Monica is unharmed, she’s alarmed. Her little girl doesn’t steal, nor is she one to rebel, especially in such an extreme fashion.

“That can’t be right.”

He turns on the computer screen and reveals surveillance footage. The curls are unmistakable, and Carol sees the youngsters conspicuously creeping about the facilities.  

“Looks like Gambit was on look out and distracted my agents with some sort of card trick. She used Maria’s identification for access to restricted areas and tracked down the location of the Tesseract. Luckily, it’s not here anymore, it’s recently been moved to HQ in New York.” He explains as the footage plays.  

“What did she want it for?”

He shakes his head looking at the sheet of notes at his desk.

“The pair were rambling on about some organisation known as HYDRA and turning kids into child soldiers.”

“Child soldiers?”

It’s almost difficult to believe. As she looks at the notes, they seem somewhat nonsensical. Carol realises that, whatever her little girl is involved in must be very serious for her to be skipping school and breaking into secret organisations.

“Yeah, it’s a pretty creative conspiracy theory.”

“Where is she?”

He leads her to Monica who waits in a hallway outside an interrogation room. Fury leaves them to it as he enters the room where Gambit is being questioned.

Carol takes a second to notice how much Monica has grown; another reminder of just how long she’s really been away. Monica is much closer to being a woman now. Her baby fat has almost diminished, she’s wears a bra, and she’s taller, a lot taller; not but a couple of inches shorter than the blonde.

“Monica.”

The cascade of wild curls whip around towards Carol’s direction.

“Auntie Carol?”

A mixture of shock, relief and something else Carol can’t quite decipher register across her features.

Despite this, she gets up and embraces Carol’s open arms. However, it’s without the usual excitement. Carol thinks it’s likely due to the circumstances they’re in and doesn’t allow more heart-breaking thoughts to linger. The thought that Monica may be disillusioned with Carol’s presence is a fear she crushes down. With all that has happened in the day already, she doesn’t think she could survive another crushing blow.

“What’s going on kid, what are you doing?” She asks, not angry, rather concerned with what is going on behind bright eyes.

Monica has always been astoundingly level-headed, something she has displayed since very young. Therefore, Carol can’t really make sense of what has possessed her to behave so out of character.

“I was helping my friend.”

She explains, crossing her arms; much like she did before she threw a tantrum as a young child. Carol can’t help but notice these small things. She doesn’t get to see her every day, even though she thinks about her constantly. The memories with Monica are the clearest she has, and she cherishes them.

“I know your mother has taught you that stealing, breaking into secure facilities and skipping school is not the way. That is not how you help a friend. If you were really worried about this HYDRA thing, why couldn’t you tell your mom?”

She studies the deep frown contorted across Monica’s face.

“I tried but she doesn’t believe me. She doesn’t listen to anything I say anymore, and she’s always angry with me these days.”

It worries the blonde to hear those words. Maria has always been understanding, a quality which has elevated her and also often been to her detriment. She cannot imagine Maria not listening to her daughter, nor can she envision the pair at odds.

“That doesn’t sound like your mom.”

“Maybe you don’t know her as well as you think you do.” It’s snarky in a way which renders the blonde surprised momentarily.

Carol chalks up the retort as teenage rebellion. There’s no way her little girl, the one she whispered to for hours on end in her mother’s belly; the same girl she watched over for years; and taught all about the stars, would intentionally say something to hurt her.  

She clears her throat to conceal her own reaction, before addressing Monica again.  

“I’ve known her for a lot longer than you, that’s not in your mom’s nature.”

Monica grumbles in frustration.  

“I bet she put you through the ringer when you got back, I can’t imagine your reunion was peaches and cream.”

She’d always heard the rumours of how horrific the teenage years were for parents of teenage girls. Carol never expected it from her little girl though; not when Monica had been the most tranquil and gentle baby. The blonde thinks herself a fool to believe she could have escaped both the ‘terrible twos’ and the ‘terrible teens’ unscathed.  

“I hurt your mom, she has every right to be angry with me.” Carol admits.  

“Exactly, but she has no reason to be angry with me. She’s a hypocrite, she won’t let me sign up for the Airforce, even though _she_ was in it herself. She won’t even let me join NOLA harbour patrol cadets.”

Carol finally starts to understand Monica’s behaviour. The rebellion, the fight in her, Monica reminds her of herself. So ready and eager to save the world.

“She’s only looking out for you.” Carol explains.

“By preventing me from carrying out my destiny.” She argues, echoing words Carol had once spoken herself.

Carol can’t prevent the solemn smile which spreads across her features. Once upon a time, these were her words. The only difference is, if Monica pursued her destiny, despite Maria and her own approval, they would both still be there for their child. However, it is still frightening, the way life has come around full circle.  

“You’re all she has. The military isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be, and it’s dangerous. Trust me, whatever she’s doing, is for your safety and well-bein–”

“It’s my _destiny_!” She interrupts, both passionately and stubbornly in equal measure.

Carol sees _destiny_ dancing behind Monica’s bright eyes. The twinkle of fate calling her to something bigger than herself. Carol remembers the feeling, both exhilarating and all-consuming. The force that had driven her to beyond death and into the stars. Yet now, with all she knows, she understands that destiny is the denial of choice and the sacrifice of love. Destiny chooses you, as much as you choose it. Once the suit is on, both metaphorically and physically, the human wants of freedom and love are hostage to responsibility. If Monica knew, she might be less so inclined to meet her destiny.

“I don’t care that it’s dangerous. I’m supposed to help people. It’s all that will ever make me happy, and mom’s stopping that.”

“Your happiness is all your mom has ever wanted for you, and you know that.” Carol interjects.

She’s silenced by Carol’s words. It’s a truth she cannot deny, even with the teenage demon which has overtaken her, Monica’s heart will never allow her to disrespect her mother. 

“What were you going to do with the Tesseract once you got it anyway?”

“Well, I took mom’s files on project PEGASUS and I’ve been studying the electromagnetic spectrum and energy forms. I think I figured out a way how to harness it’s energy, and with Remy’s powers we were going to stop HYDRA…”

Even though she’s concerned about Monica’s behaviour, she is a little proud of the girl. Fearless and courageous in a way that can never be taught. Carol’s intuition tells her that this likely not the last time she will pick up Monica out of trouble for fighting for what’s right. 

“Dr Lawson’s notes suggest that the Tesseract’s most power enhancing aspect, is likely to also be the chink in its armour. Its weakness is disguised as a strength, and maybe that’s how to access and manipulate it’s power.” She explains vehemently.

Carol’s impressed but knows she can’t encourage her.

“You sound like you’re talking Wakandan. All of this stuff, it’s very dangerous Monica, you have no idea if that would have worked, it nearly killed me and –”

“Yes, I know this better than anyone. I get it.”  

The young girl is headstrong, and Carol knows there may be little dissuading her from delaying her fight for humankind, but she has to try. She tries because the blonde is learning from her mistakes and can only guide the child she views as her own, so that she does not make the same mistakes.  

“No, you don’t get it. You could be killed. You could _die_ , and that would destroy your mom and me.”

Carol sighs deeply, shaking away the devastating thought.

“You’re not irresponsible or reckless, you must know this isn’t the way to about things.”

“Gambit is my friend and he needed help. Those other kids needed help. I was doing what _you_ taught me. I thought if anyone would understand, it would be _you._ I guess I was wrong, but then again I’ve been wrong about you before.”

Her words are a stab to the heart. There’s more than teenage angst and rebellion behind Monica’s behaviour. Carol’s earlier instincts that Monica is disillusioned with her were right. Perhaps not as direct and rageful as her mother, but the afro-haired girl has been affected by Carol’s disappearing act.

Carol swallows the lump in her throat.  

“Ouch… Okay, kid, I hear you.”

Monica’s scowl softens a fraction.

“We were trying to save the world, trying to do something good.” She clarifies, voice gentle.

Carol reaches out to unfold the arms Monica has hugging herself. She pulls her in, and she’s thankful that she allows it. What Monica doesn’t realise is that the comfort is both for her and Carol. A day when she feels her family slipping away, it’s all she can do to hold on.

“I know baby, I know.” She whispers softly.

Carol doesn’t warn her that this desire will consume her whole and take her away from everything she holds dear, both past and present. It’s something that she can’t articulate well enough yet, having herself only begun to deal with the consequences of being Captain Marvel. It’s become clear that Monica will seek out her greater life mission, with or without their support, and Carol realises that direction is all can give.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate and love all your comments! I love how engaged you are in the story, please keep them coming and shoot me any ideas and thoughts you have.   
> xxxxxxxx


	23. Young Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol walks Monica through the trials and tribulations of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to my X-men homies, I'm salty the worlds of avengers and X-men will likely never meet.

**Young Love**

Fury reappears with Gambit in tow, and Monica’s focus rapidly switches to the boy. He’s tall with odd devil red eyes and shaggy hair; every bit the look of trouble which mothers warn their daughters away from.  

“Ma chérie! Are you okay Spectrum?” The boy asks panicked in a heavy Cajun drawl.

The two teenagers snap together like an elastic band and hug; all desperate touches and worried glances. Carol is drawn away from their exchange by Fury.

“Their stories seem to match, and their intentions seemed to be in the right place. Maybe there really is something there to investigate.” He informs her.

However, Carol’s attention is drawn to the two youngsters a few yards away from them. She sees the tall boy dressed in black, pulling a laugh from Monica that has her blushing, and suddenly something dawns on the blonde.

“What-what’s going on?” She wonders, with inkling but not quite sure.

Fury chuckles at the perplexed look on her face.

“I think they are _friends_ in a similar manner as you and Maria are _friends._ ” He explains.

“But we’re not – _Oh._ ”

Carol studies the pair, how they communicate as if no one else is in the room, how their body’s loud language betrays what their mouths will not. Even if they are not yet an item, it is abundantly clear there is an intimacy to their relationship that is likely already romantic.

Carol immediately understands Monica’s motivations and rebellious behaviour. It’s in the shy smiles Monica gives during her hushed conversation with the boy. Monica is experiencing her first round of teenage love. Perhaps the young girl’s less frequent messages of late, and distancing, have been in part due to her time, mind and heart being occupied by someone else. It’s both a relief and a worry for the blonde.

“Oh indeed. He’s got a trouble record as long as my arm, and he’s a mutant...” Fury explains. 

Despite, his ‘bad-boy’ persona there is a softness in the way he looks at her daughter. She watches the gentleness in which he removes one of her wild curls from her face.

“…we’re sending him to the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning.”

“X-Mansion?” Carol wonders, having heard about the place from a chance meeting with a mutant named Lucas Bishop, who’d helped negotiate the Skrull- Shi'ar alliance.

“Yeah, I spoke to Professor X earlier, he’s sending someone to come pick him up.”

“She’ll be crushed.” Carol says as understanding dawns on her.

Carol remembers her own ‘first love’. A tall Mexican girl who she had believed herself so desperately in love with, she didn’t believe she would ever love again; although she knows now it was just an illusion. Meeting Maria had proved that. It just felt so heightened and intense because she hadn’t ever experienced romance before. Despite this, she recalls a memory of how crushing it had been when the other girl had broken up with her, after their parents had found the two kissing.

That first time a teenager experiences a romantic relationship it is all consuming because there are no expectations. Both youngsters enter blind and naïve, and give their whole hearts because they don’t know any better. They don’t yet know the agony and bliss of true love.

“He’s a kid without family or direction. He needs this, eventually she’ll come to see it to.” Fury reassures as the pair approach them.

Monica nervously wrings her hands and rocks on the balls of her feet, avoiding all eye contact with the blonde. When their eyes do meet, there’s pleading and apprehension. Carol realises that this is the first introduction for them.

“Um- Aunt Carol, this is Remy.”

“It’s nice to meet you ma’am, Monica’s told me a lot about you.” He says with a particular southern charm.

“So, you’re the troublemaker that’s gotten Monica mixed up in all this.” She says with feigned intimidation.

“As much as I wish I could take the credit, Spectrum is the brains behind this operation. I could never be so clever as to think up half the things she does.”

Carol appreciates his charm, it’s almost impressive just how quick on his feet he seems to be. She gets an inclination as to what Monica admires about him; he’s charming, witty and praises her.

“Touché. Keep up the charm and her mother might not murder you.” She jokes.

“What happens now?” Monica wonders eventually.

Agent Coulson appears and whispers something to Fury.

“I’ve written down everything you told us. I promise I have my best men investigating it.” He pledges, indicating to Coulson.

“Are we in trouble?” Monica asks sheepishly.

“You’re lucky I’m running the show around here. Otherwise you two would currently be on transit to a maximum-security jail. I think your Mama’s punishment will be enough. For now, no more hacking, breaking and entering into government facilities until we hire you alright?”

“Hire me?” She perks up with sudden hope in her eyes.

“Yeah, your skills are pretty impressive. You get the right grades on your SATs in a few years and we’ll sponsor you for our junior development programme.” He vows.

Monica is pulled into Remy’s arms and Carol notices the genuine affection he holds for her. It makes her feel worse about their pending separation.

“As for you Mr LeBeau, there’s someone here to see you about your future.”

Gambit shifts awkwardly at his words, and quick as flash Monica senses the sudden change in his demeanour.

“What’s going on?”

The boy’s eyes fail to meet hers, and Carol thinks of how much she reminds her of Maria. Demanding big brown eyes which are difficult to disappoint.

“Gambit?”

“They said there’s a school, for kids like me, that can do what I do.” He answers.

“Okay…”

He finally meets her eyes and Carol can sense a bomb about to be dropped.

“It’s in Westchester county.”

Monica’s face drops, in that way of first love, in which she has not yet learnt to hide her emotions, to protect herself from hurt. It’s raw and painful for Carol watch.

“But that’s in New York.” She says, her voice small.

“They said this place means I won’t have to hide who I am, and what I can do. I have a chance at being normal, a chance a real family.” He explains, with desperate want in his voice.

“I thought _I_ was your family.”

There’s conflict in his eyes. This school is a lifeline for him, and he wants it with everything in him, but he clearly cares for Monica.

“You’ll always be my family.”  He promises.

It’s painful for the adults to watch. Each remembering their own plight of first puppy love. Recalling the desperate attachment; the joy of having each other coupled with the fear of losing one another.

Carol sees the pair wrestle with freedom and possessiveness, selflessness and selfishness, satisfaction and sacrifice. She thinks of her own battle with love and doing what is right.

“Gambit, I don’t want you to go.” She pleads.

He pulls her in, but she pushes him away, and stalks away from the group.

It’s Carol that goes after her, not wishing to cause her heartbreak. Yet, she realises she’s going to have to walk her through the art of letting go, something she knows she hasn’t herself mastered. It’s suddenly daunting to be caught in this defining coming-of-age moment.

“Monica.” She calls softly.

Her eyes are red with unshed tears, and for the first time today, she looks just like the little girl she once was, crying and begging Carol not to leave her at day care.

Carol can’t forget what Monica said last time she visited either, about the hole that grew with Carol’s absence and all those she had lost in her short life.

The pressure builds as Monica continues to stare up at her willing her to say something.

“I know it hurts, but you if you care about him, you have to do what’s best for him.”

“Is that what you did for mom, _what’s best_?” She shoots back.

She’s lashing out, and Carol feels a bit stupid to not have seen it coming.

“I thought so at the time. I see how wrong I was now.” Carol admits honestly.

“What if this is the wrong thing for Remy?”

Carol takes her face in her hands, wiping at the escaping tears. This is the moment she gets to parent, she’s been gone for so long that she knows she can’t mess this up.

“Loving someone is sometimes painful. That’s because _real_ love is selfless. You don’t only love someone for what they do for you or how they make you feel. You love them for what they are. Honest love is wanting the best for the other person. So, I know you know that this place, which can offer him a home, a family, and freedom to be who he is; is the best thing for him.”

Monica takes on Carol’s words. Everything she didn’t want to hear, but everything she knew already.

“He deserves a better life.” She responds after some thought.

Before they re-join the others, Carol explains more.

“I know what it’s like to meet someone, and you just click with them. It’s as if you were always meant to meet, listen to their story, and maybe even become a part of it. Unfortunately, life isn’t always as easy as we wish it was. Especially when you are young, the journeys of self-discovery rip us apart. That doesn’t mean you’re not heading to the same destination though, nor does it mean you won’t meet again on the way.” She concludes.

Carol is still discovering and learning the ebbs and flow of love. This lesson is one Maria taught her. Maria has loved her enough to let her go off into the stars chasing her destiny. It’s almost fitting that Carol is the one to teach it to the child they raised together.  

When they re-join Fury, Coulson and Gambit, a woman by the name of Ororo Munroe is introducing herself to the young boy.

“Remy, we can teach you to control and develop your gifts, and in time you’ll learn to use your powers for good and help others like yourself.” Says a woman with the white hair and darkskin.  

Despite Monica’s anguish, it is clear in her eyes that she’s impressed with Ororo. There’s an admiration and heartbreak Carol recognises, and she knows Monica has made the right decision. 

“Promise to call me all the time.” She demands in a tone that reminds the blonde so much of her mother.

He nods emphatically and pulls her into his arms.

Carol’s proud of the young girl, who’s leaps and abounds ahead of her in this game of love. Who can so clearly see what is right, despite her own feelings, something Carol still struggles with.

Soon, Gambit is led away by Ororo and her associate, leaving Monica with Carol and Fury.

“I’ve got some links up at SHIELD HQ in New York, I’ll have people check up on him.” Fury promises the sulking teen.

She shrugs, trying to work through her sadness. There’s few words anyone can say to alleviate the pain of heartbreak, and so with a final goodbye to Fury, Carol takes Monica home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Monica, babygirl :(((((( I'm sorrry


	24. Spectrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol and Monica reflect on the days happenings.

**Spectrum**

On the drive home, Monica was silent, sulking and brooding in a way Carol’s never seen before. The blonde allowed her space, knowing that in the face of heartbreak words do little to quell the pain.

When they arrive home, Maria is still absent, and Monica disappears to the garden swing. Carol watches her from inside. It pains her that the excited energy of her little girl has faded, that their bond has changed. No longer does she seek her out or look at her like a hero. The blonde is afraid more than ever that she’s losing the two sides of her heart.

Carol soon joins her, wanting to mend any broken bridges and comfort her in her time of heartbreak.

“Lieutenant Trouble –” She says as she joins her on the swing.

“I’m not Lieutenant trouble anymore, I’m too old for those baby names.” She interrupts.

Carol’s heart drops.

“Okay not Lieutenant Trouble– _Spectrum_ , right?” She tries again.

“I guess it does have a better ring to it.”

She’s trying to coax out a smile or even a little warmth from her.

“How did you get the nickname?”

She doesn’t answer or look up at her.

“Ok I’ll guess then. Spectrum because you know so much about the energy spectrum, I could barely understand what you were going on about earlier.”

Monica looks at her curiously then.

“Or maybe it’s like your mom’s moniker, Photon. She got hers because she –”

“Because she was the fastest pilot in your squadron. You got avenger because you fought for her when they tried to keep her from becoming captain, even though she was the fastest and best pilot… yeah mom has told me like a million times.” Monica finishes the story.

Carol remembers how livid she had been when she found out she was to be made captain and Maria wasn’t. She remembers how Maria worked twice as hard as everyone in their squadron, and had only been recognised for half the work. It had been because of her race and gender of course. So, Carol and Dr Lawson had marched down to the senior office and demanded Maria’s recognition.

Silence falls again but Carol’s determined to crack at least one smile from her. She needs this, she feels her family slipping away and its all she can do to stop herself from breaking down and running away to the greater universe forever.  

Monica takes pity on Carol, struggling to maintain composure.

“I’m called Spectrum because I defended the gay kid in my class from our teacher. I said that sexuality is a spectrum like in Kinsey’s teachings. Everyone started teasing me for it, but Gambit started calling me it to take the take the power out of the word.”

Carol gleams with pride at the young girl’s words. She’s proud of Monica for being so brave, and she’s proud of Maria too, she raised her all alone.

“Here I was thinking Gambit was all trouble. That’s a very kind thing what he did.”  

“He’s not trouble, he’s lived a hard life.”

The reminder of Gambit serves as a wall for Monica and silence falls again.

“Gambit’s cute… is he your boyfriend?” Carol wonders.

“He’s gone now, so it doesn’t matter. I don’t believe love lasts anyway.” She responds coldly.

There’s a hardness to her eyes that hadn’t been there before. Monica is more cynical than someone of fourteen should be, but Carol understands why. A large part of it probably has to do with the blonde. She let them down, and as she uncovers more of the devastation she caused when she left, she finds more than could have imagined; and it’s a punch to the gut.

 “Of course it matters, just because he is gone doesn’t mean it’s over, love _can_ last.”

“Oh what, like with you and mom?” She shoots back sarcastically.

 Her eyes stare up at her with accusation in them, and the intensity of her glare makes her want to cower away. Carol left, and she’s realising that not only Maria has suffered from it.

Carol takes a shaky breath. The reminder of Maria and their earlier confrontation brings all the shame back.

“I don’t know.” She answers honestly.

“Dad left her again.” She reveals after a few moments of quiet.

Carol feels a million times worse. She also understands Maria’s anger at her. She’s proved herself to be no better than him.

“Frank’s gone?” She asks as if she hadn’t heard her the first time. It’s more out of surprise than anything.

“Not deadbeat gone, but he left Mom again. Got himself a new girlfriend, and a new _bouncing baby girl_ calls her the golden child.” She says with jealousy creeping into her tone.

“You want to talk about it?”

“It is what it is. What’s there to say?”

An aching quiet falls between them again. The heavy emotional weight of today threatens to drown Carol. She looks to the twilight sky, it’s all she can do not to cry.

“Are you going to tell mom about today?” Monica breaks the silence.

Carol takes a deep breath. She’s dreading seeing Maria again, for the first time in her existence.

“You know I have to.”

She huffs in frustration and falls silent again.

“I’ll make a deal with you.”

Monica looks up at her intrigued.

“I’ll talk to her, tell her not to wring your throat for this. I see how much you want to fight for people, for what’s right. I’ll try to convince her to allow you to join the cadets, and then maybe in the future you can revisit the conversation about the Air Force, or SHIELD, or any other organisation you want to join.”

“What do I have to do?”

“No more Tesseract death missions. No more missions in general. Anything you worry about, let me know and I’ll deal with it. No more skipping school or committing crime. Please, just go to school like a normal kid, get the grades and _listen_ to your mom.”

Monica grumbles.

“Will you try – try for me?”

Monica is quiet as she considers it.

“That’s not enough.”

Carol closes her eyes. Monica isn’t her little girl anymore; she won’t accept everything and anything she says. The veil of the heroism of her superhero aunt has been removed, and Monica has seen the human beneath.

“I’ll only follow your terms if you amend yours. I also need you to promise to not give up on mom, don’t leave her again, no matter what she says.”

The blonde is surprised but more than anything she is relieved. Monica still wants her there, despite everything, she wants her to fight for their family.  

She searches Monica’s bright brown eyes, and they soften in a way that tells Carol, she’s not as upset with her as she would have her believe.

“Do we have a deal?” Monica presses.

Carol almost laughs at how easily the girl has turned it around on her. Now she’s the one under pressure.

“I thought you said you don’t believe that there’s such thing as lasting love?” She asks impressed.

“Aunt Carol.” She growls in frustration.

“You have a yourself a deal, _Spectrum_. _”_

A victorious grin spreads across her features, and Carol experiences the first bit of genuine joy that day. She’s finally pulled a smile from the girl, albeit not in the way she thought, but a smile all the same.   

“Are you sure you don’t want to be a lawyer? Your negotiation skills are ruthless.”

Monica giggles and she looks up at Carol in the way that’s only reserved for her. Carol’s heart swells because she had started to believe she might never see that look from her again.

“No, I want to be like you.”

Just like always, Monica saves her. So, she pulls her in close, and thinks one day she might tell her daughter just how she is the hero that saved their family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Highkey, Monica is my fave!


	25. Punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The DanBeau family attempt to piece together the broken parts of their family.

**Punishment**

Maria eventually arrives home in the same fashion as a deadly hurricane. The front door slams so hard it shakes the walls. Carol and Monica share a look of pure fear and dread when they hear her call out.

“Monica. Angela. Rambeau. Get your butt here right now!”

Monica’s smaller hand slips into Carol’s, just like she did as a little girl. It warms her heart that she still trusts her to protect her. Little does she know, Carol is probably more afraid than she is.

“You’ve got 3 seconds.” Maria’s voice is hard.

The pair get up reluctantly and start making their way to her.

“3…”

Monica looks up at Carol and it’s clear their pact is on her mind. In return, she gives their joined hands a reassuring squeeze.

“2…”

They pause before they round the corner into the living room.

“I think you should get child services on the line… you know, just in case.” Monica whispers.

“Go ahead and call child services, and when they get here, I’ll be happy to give them a step by step tutorial on how I whooped your ass.” Maria threatens as they come into view.

Maria is as furious as she was when Carol last saw her. Except this time her anger is directed at the curly-haired teenager beside her.

“Auntie Carol?” She says, implying she take the lead.

“Don’t look at her, look at me.”

Maria barely spares a glance at the blonde.

They can feel the rage rolling off of her in waves. It’s so very foreign for Maria to be angry, and Carol sees Monica’s warning words come in the flesh. Maria has changed. No longer is the she a beacon of calmness, now, she’s quick to fury. Carol knows more than anyone, a fiery temper comes from feeling neglected, and a deep hurt which is difficult to articulate.   

“Maria.” Carol begins, trying to calm the other woman, and deflect some of the anger towards her instead.

“Mama please,” Monica begs, eyes quickly filling with tears.  

“Dry them tears up little girl, you wanted to act grown, well now you got some real grown up consequences comin’.” She sounds just like Celestine Dubois, her southern accent creeping into the words as she reprimands the girl.  

“Maria, just wait, let her explain to you-”

“Explain to me why she skipped school, broke into SHIELD, with that boy Remy after I explicitly told her not to see him again, and to round it all off, why she thought stealing the Tesseract to do God knows what with, AND risk her life was a good idea. Yes, I would like to know _exactly_ what she was thinking!” It’s said so quickly it’s a surprise she has any breath left.

“You’re right, most of what she did is wrong, and for that I have no excuse for, but –”

Maria flashes her a warning look so dark she’s genuinely afraid.

“Carol, I appreciate you picking her up and everything, but frankly what can _you_ say that will make any of this make sense? This isn’t the first time she’s skipped school or disobeyed me.”

She is almost silenced by her tone, but Monica’s big brown eyes are staring up at her like she’s a lifeline; so, she attempts to keep her promise.  

“She messed up, she knows that, but she’s done with all that. No more rebellion, or truancy, none of it. Isn’t that right Monica?”

There’s a beat of silence for her to plead her case, but when Carol looks to the young girl, she can see an anger building which mirrors Maria’s own.

“I knew you wouldn’t understand. You won’t help me or let me do anything. You gave me no choice.” She says in a defiant tone.  

There’s fire in dark eyes. Monica and Carol are both dancing on thin ice, and the wrong word might just send the other woman over the edge.

“Maria, you’re right to be angry. I understand why. But, she’s still Monica. Heart in the right place, always looking to be the hero. She was trying to do what she thought was right, helping her friend; and despite how Remy might appear, he’s a good kid.”

A humourless laugh escapes Maria’s lips.

“Because you know so much, in the five minutes you’ve been here?”

Her attitude is as snarky as Monica’s earlier behaviour. It’s not a surprise that mother and daughter at odds, they are more similar than either recognise.

“At least she understands me, you won’t even try. You just bitch at me!” Monica throws back, in Carol’s defence.

Hurt flashes across Maria’s features and Carol feels it too. Children will never understand how hurtful the things they say are. Often, a mothers’ job is a thankless one.

“Lord, give me strength…” Maria begins praying.  

Tensions are high, and either one of the mother-daughter duo is about to blow.

“…I will knock the fire out your throat, who the _hell_ are you yelling at?”

The blonde steps between them, and before Monica can yell back something she will regret, Carol’s hand clamps around her mouth.

“Let’s just all calm down.”

Carol takes Monica’s head between her hands, making sure their gazes meet, so she can take on board every word she’s about to say.

“Everything, and I mean every, single, thing; your mom does, is for you. She loves you with every power she possesses and has tried to do what is best; to guide you into the woman you’re supposed to be. I’m sure it’s not easy raising you alone, nonetheless it’s something she does brilliantly. She deserves every ounce of your respect. Now, I’m here pleading your case because I really do believe you’re trying to do good. But, you don’t _ever_ speak to your mother like that, apologize.” Carol demands.

Monica’s more than a little surprised she’s been called out. Carol has never reprimanded her in such a way, and it’s a foreign dynamic for them all.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers, as tears of shame build in her eyes.

Maria sighs deeply and watches the exchange with something akin to ambivalence swirling in her eyes. She’s exhausted and beaten down. Carol wants to reach out, pull them both in and mend the damage done. 

“Monica, go to your room, let me talk to your mom.” She requests softly.

There’s no protest from the afro-haired teenager who walks away head down.

Carol is sure much of Maria’s rage has a lot do with her own sudden reappearance, as much as Monica’s behaviour. So, she’s tentative as she approaches the other woman, who now sits with her head in her hands. Carol places her hands on her shoulders in a comforting gesture but Maria shrugs away the touch.

“This your fault.” Maria accuses.

“I know.” She admits, sitting beside her alternately.

“Do you know what it’s like trying to compete with you?”

Carol’s surprised because that is not what she expected to hear. She opens her mouth uselessly, trying to respond to the allegation.

“I remember when Mon was little, the way she’d look up at you as you taught her the constellations, was like you invented the stars and skies yourself. She worships the ground you walk on, and when you came back a superhero, she was sure more than ever that she was supposed to be a hero too. You get to drop down whenever, be the good guy, and when you’re gone, she’s left with me. Sometimes, I think she wishes I had been the one that di – ”

“There’s no comparison. _You_ are her mother. You’ve been there all her life. Everything you’ve done has been for her betterment and she knows that. She loves you as fiercely as you love her. I might be Captain Marvel, but everything she wants, is to follow in _your_ footsteps. She wants to join NOLA harbour patrol cadets, just like you, she wants to join the Air Force, just like you. There is no competition. If there was, you’d be winning.” She’s sincere in her every word and Maria looks at her with unsurety.

Carol reaches out for her chin, hoping the other woman might accept this touch, and when she doesn’t flinch away, she’s thankful.

“I’m glad it was me she lost and not you. You’re an amazing mother Maria. Our daughter is brilliant, courageous, fearless and so much more, and that’s all you. This rebellion, well, that’s my influence, I guess; but it isn’t because she wants to hurt you. She’s a kid advanced beyond her years, who has seen her destiny and she can’t wait to seek it out. You give in just a little bit, and this will all stop, she’s given me her word.” For all the blonde has not been sure of, this she is certain of.

Monica reappears then, obviously not having left as instructed. She looks remorseful, like it’s only now she is realising the seriousness of her behaviour.  

Maria looks up with a vulnerability her daughter has never seen, and her features twist into confusion.

“I must be doing _something_ wrong. Tell me, Mon, what am I doing that’s got you acting this way?”

It’s heart-breaking because Maria’s rage has completely vanished and in its wake lies something far more devastating, the deepest sorrow. 

“This is a bit more than average teen rebellion. You committed real crimes; breaking and entering, theft, hacking. If it wasn’t for Fury, you would be facing jail time. It seems the more I try to steer you in the right direction, the harder you push me away. I feel like I’m losing my baby.” Maria admits.

Monica is wiped away by her mother’s confession, and shame fills her. All previous angst is long gone and the tears that roll down her cheeks are no longer for herself, but for her mother instead.

The young girl wraps around her dejected mother, and Carol allows them their space to heal.

“Mom, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s not you, it was me. I’ve been bad.” She confesses between sobs.

When she eventually calms down, she pulls back to explain herself further.

“Auntie Carol left, and dad has his new perfect ‘ _golden child’_. I was afraid you would want to leave me too. I thought that if I focussed on my destiny, if _I_ was a hero, like you guys, then people would stop leaving me. I also thought that if I did something big, like this mission with Remy, then you would have to call Auntie Carol, and you two could be together again.”

It’s devastating to both women. Even more so to the blonde. Carol can’t even speak because _this,_ really is all her fault. She left her family and it fractured them all.

Furthermore, it is a reminder that despite Monica’s maturity, she is still a child, one that is yet to truly understand relationships and their complexity. She’s still that little girl wishing her family together, as it once was.

“I’d never leave you, you’re my heart and soul. Carol never left you either and would never leave you.”

Even now, Maria defends her. She wonders how the dark-skinned woman has the strength to withstand all the hurt. She’s also eternally grateful that despite everything, Maria has never poisoned, nor turned Monica against her.  

“Whatever happens between Carol and I is not your fault and it’s not your responsibility to fix. We will always love you and want to be with you, that can never be broken.”

Carol tries not to read too much into Maria’s words as an indication to where their relationship might stand.

“Your mom is right. I love you as much as if I carried you myself, and I know I haven’t behaved like it, but I _am_ sorry. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused your mom, and for all the pain I’ve caused you. I’m here now, and I’m going to try harder than I’ve ever tried to do anything, to be there for you when you need me, the rest of the universe be damned.” She vows.

Somehow all three of them are crying, and it feels as if one shard of their fractured relationship might be put back together with this.

It’s Monica that pulls them all together, and they both hold on to their daughter, trying to fix whatever it is they broke. Carol has them both in her arms, and for one moment things are alright.

When they break apart, there is a smile on Monica’s face and neither woman can stop their own.

“I promised Auntie Carol that I’m going to be good, and I mean it mom. No skipping school, no more crazy missions… no more crime. I want to be who you’ve raised me to be.” She pledges, pointedly omitting the terms of Carol’s agreement.

“I appreciate that. I’m sorry too, for not listening to you and making you feel like you couldn’t come to me.”

Their apologies are a world away from the tornado of earlier. Carol beams at her two-favourite people, back in good graces.

“However, I still have to punish you for this, nothing in life is without consequences.”

Monica steels herself for whatever is to come, but Carol can tell she’s more than willing to accept the discipline.

“I heard what you’ve been trying to tell me. So, I’ll allow you to join the cadets, but I want you to prove to me this is not a mistake…”

Monica flashes a grin at Carol, thankful and elated that Maria has relented.

“…and from now on it’s going be school, this house, and cadets. I want you inside this house exactly 45 minutes after school finishes. I want every chore I give you completed before the streetlights come on. All homework will be done on the day given and left on the kitchen table before you sleep. Finally, until you pay some bills up in this house, there is going to be no more disobeying my orders or talking to me crazy ever again. Do you understand me?”

It’s delivered in a hitting tone which only a black southern woman can convincingly pull off. Although Monica has gotten what she wanted, there’s no missing the threat in her mother’s words.

She gulps animatedly and nods emphatically.

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes ma’am.”

Monica is picked up by her father shortly after, leaving the two women alone.

One shattered piece of their relationship may have been mended, but there’s still a million tiny others to glue back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to upload once a week but life and writing block sometimes gets in the way, I will finish it though!


	26. Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When all hope is seemingly lost, what is there to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: super long chapter... eeeek

**Surrender**

Without Monica to bring the former lovers together, the silence between them is as wide as oceans, and as frosty as ice. Carol wills herself to pluck up the courage to initiate conversation, to say anything, just to attempt to bridge the gap. However, it is extremely difficult to manoeuvre, when the blonde is afraid Maria has made a non-negotiable decision since her disappearance, a final decision which may destroy them both.

“I’m sorry about frank.” Carol says eventually. 

Of all the things to discuss, Frank is probably the least important, but it’s a start.

“No, you’re not. You get to say, ‘I told you so’.” She looks at her knowingly. 

“No. I _am_ sorry… It must have broken your heart.”

Carol doesn’t know the details regarding their separation, but she knows Maria loved him once.

“Of course it didn’t. My heart was already broken.” It’s not an accusation, rather a fact.

Another excruciatingly painful stillness settles between them again.

The contemplative quiet brings about the events of the day and the words which have hurt the most; _‘I hate you for leaving me’._  

“Do you really hate me?” Carol wonders.

The other woman gives her a look out the corner of her eye. For a moment, she isn’t sure she is going to get an answer but Maria sighs deeply and whispers out a response.

“I could never hate you, even if I wanted to.” She admits despondently.

The blonde’s not sure if that makes her feel better or worse.

“I wouldn't blame you if you did. What I've done to you, what you’ve been through – ”

Carol searches her eyes for any indication of _something_. Maria is so guarded now that it’s difficult to decipher one look from another, signifying their growing distance.

“I don’t hate you Carol... I feel quite the opposite way about you.” She reaffirms.  

Although she should be relieved, there’s something about the way she says it, which suggests she shouldn’t be.

Carol openly observes the other woman’s features. There is no longer any of the rage she has been carrying around, in its place, a deep misery. The anger had been nothing but a shield for pain. Carol’s misery is soaked in guilt, because as Maria said, this is all her fault.

 _‘I can’t love you anymore, it’s killing me.’_ The other little statement which comes to her mind as she studies saturnine eyes.

To the blonde’s surprise, Maria shifts forward tentatively and takes her hands between her own. It’s the first time that Maria has reached out for her and when they meet eyes, Maria looks sad _for_ her; and that fills her with dread.

“Ma – ”

“Car – ”

They both speak at the same time.

There’s something building in the air around them and Carol can feel it, but she is in pure denial. She’s hoping ignorance to what may come can prevent it.

“You first.” Maria says.

Carol squeezes her eyes shut just wishing to treasure the last hopeful moments she may have. Maria softly caresses her thumbs over her knuckles, and her hands are warm and gentle; just like always. Carol notices these things and thinks its compensation, cherishing every little thing before the end.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think and reflect on my actions. You were right, I did leave you, and in doing so I broke apart our family. I am so sorry.” She apologizes.

Maria looks to the ceiling, willing away the tears in her eyes. Even though she knew it already, it is an entirely different heartbreak hearing the words from her lover’s mouth.

“Why did you go?” She asks, like before, only this time Carol has an answer. She’s thought about the question incessantly since she was called out on it.

The blonde takes a shuddering breath.

“I left because I was scared. I was terrified. You were offering me everything I’ve ever wanted. You awoke things inside me that were long forgotten and repressed…”

Maria searches her eyes and undresses her words for the truth. It’s upsetting to know that the trust between them has been severed so extensively, that the other woman must hunt for the validity of her statements.

“…Everything was good with you, so _fucking_ good. Then, that call came, and I realised what I was promising you. A life filled with disappointment, fleeting moments and missed occasions. In the darkness, I managed to think of all the reasons you shouldn’t be with me; and I thought the bad outweighed the good. I assumed I was right when I had no real reason to.”

She knows it makes little sense, leaving in fear of disappointment, which only created that same disappointment. Yet, she also knows that terror has no logic, it just is; terrifying.

“If you believed that, why didn’t you give me the curtesy of a goodbye, instead of just abandoning me in the middle of the night?”

“Because I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. It was only once I was gone, I realised that it is because I never want to say it. I’m selfish, and lonely, and broken, and foolish.”

She hangs her head in shame, unable to stand the sympathy painted across dark features.

“I regretted leaving the moment I flew away. Then, I was thrust into the heart of war and it got easier, and easier, to convince myself I was the good guy. I told myself, _I’m Captain Marvel, the hero, I AM the good guy_ …” Her words are laced in sarcasm because it’s the greatest paradox, that she is both; the universes’ hero, and the destroyer of Maria’s world.

“…but I wasn’t good to you. I may have left, but I wasn’t gone, my heart remained right here. Which was the worst thing for both us.”

Carol sees the cogs behind dark brown orbs working overtime, attempting to make sense of her explanation.

“You made all the decisions for us, for me, that has never been yours to dictate alone. I’m not someone that needs protection _from_ you.” Maria says simply.  

“Even now, after all this?” She wonders, because there’s a glimmer of light inside her response, and it’s all she can do; hold onto whatever hope there is in this seemingly hopeless situation.

Maria puffs out a breath but it’s neither confirmation nor denial.

“Maria, I love you, and I know it sounds empty after everything I’ve broken and taken for granted, but I do.” Carol admits devotedly.

She doesn’t tell her she’s fallen apart several times over. She knows she doesn’t have the right anymore.

Maria smiles sadly and reaches out to caress her cheek. It’s almost awful how soft Maria is with her.

“You know, I was up in my little plane today, flying across New Orleans, just reflecting on my life and I realised something...” She explains.

The last time Maria disappeared and had an epiphany, no one had been able to sway her from her decisions. Carol is hyperaware of that, and her entire body tenses with anticipation, in fear of the conclusions she may have come to.  

“…I realised that you can love someone deeply and not know how to care for them. Somewhere in the years apart I think we lost that ability.”

It’s not the blow the blonde imagined, but it’s not entirely without hope either. She digests the concept and analyses its meaning. She loves Maria deeply, but has caused her a great deal of pain, both accidentally and intentionally. It serves to reason that maybe she is right, maybe they have lost the ability to speak in the same love language.

“Do you remember that fight you got in at Panchos?” Maria asks, seemingly out of nowhere.

“Which one?”

Embarrassingly, she recounts more than a few.

“Most were nothing more than scuffles, there was only one _real_ fight; the one you got hurt.”

Maria shifts closer. Her face bears the expression of someone willing a miracle to happen. So, Carol tries her hardest to recover the stolen memory because, for some reason, it feels very important that she remembers. For the life of her, she can’t bring up anything tangible as it’s difficult to distinguish one skirmish from another.

She shakes her head unable to voice the words. She watches as the sparkle of hope in Maria’s eyes is extinguished and her heart sinks.

“It was about six months before the plane crash.” Her voice vibrates differently by a minuscule, and if Carol hadn’t been paying rapt attention, she would have missed it.

It’s clear the memory still hurts Maria, even now, with Carol back in front of her; albeit it not _exactly_ the same woman.

“It was the day you found out your father died. You hadn’t spoken to him in years, but you did love him. He raised you, while your mother abandoned you completely. Although, he’d ridiculed you for your...sexual preferences.”

Carol always preferred women and she never could understand the world’s expectations for her. That had been a huge topic of contention growing up, she recalls.

“Anyway, you were let go early after you got the call. I was on a different rotation and so I didn’t know. When I found you at Panchos later, you were pretty darn drunk. It was painful to see you that way, with that darkness plaguing you.” Maria elaborates.

“I left you for _five_ minutes...” She says incredulously.

“…when I came back, the bar guys were pulling you off some punk flyboy, for a homophobic comment he made about me after I rejected his drink. Nothing we hadn’t heard before. So, I took you into that tiny toilet cubicle and you had this cut right here.”

Maria’s finger tracing over the barely visible scar, below her eye, brings back some of the memory. Although, it’s hazy and in flashes; she recounts Maria cleaning up her injuries.

She remembers the way she had dramatically flinched from the sting of the antiseptic Maria used.

“Hold still,” the dark-skinned woman said, in an exasperated but touchingly concerned tone.

“Why did you do this? You know what the flyboys are like.”

“He started it.” She sulked.

“They always do.” Maria said calmly.

“I’d beat up a thousand flyboys to defend your honour.”

She recalls Maria’s husky chuckle as she nipped at the wound.

“I’d rather have my honour disrespected than to see you hurt. Me and Monica need you.”

Maria had studied her intently for some minutes.

“You told me your jock days were behind you. Why did you do this to yourself, where’s your heat at, Danvers?”

“My father’s dead. He was a drunk and I thought the best way to commemorate his death was to get hammered…” She’d admitted.

“…and instead of feeling relief you feel sad.” Maria concluded, reading her as easily as reading a book.

She had been thinking of reconciling with him, introducing Maria and Monica to him, but she never got the chance, not that he would have agreed.  

Carol recollects the darkness which spread through her that day. A blackness filled with pain, which threatened to drown her and made her want to self-destruct.

Maria had scrutinised the dark clouds in her eyes and whispered the words which saved her from her own tenebrosity.

“When your head gets stormy, and your heart turbulent, come to me, let _me_ be your base. I’ll love away the darkness which threatens to steal you from me.” She’d pledged.

They had both frozen with the intensity of the moment. The weight of it was different to any other moment they shared before, and no matter how hard Carol tries, she can’t remember why.

The memory fades away as quick as it came, and Carol wonders what it is supposed to trigger or mean.

Maria’s got a longing look in her eyes as she studiously wills the blonde to remember _something_.

She can’t hide the disappointment at Carol’s reaction, or lack thereof. The blonde is sure that if it is some kind of test, she has failed.

“What made you think of that?”

“I once knew how to help erase the damage done in your childhood, how to temper your worst impulses and call away your darkest demons. I don’t know how to do that anymore. We don’t know each other anymore, Carol. Not really. I kidded myself into thinking that all that time apart didn’t matter, like the amnesia, superpowers and everything else we’ve been through didn’t matter… but it does.”

Maria is right in a sense, knowing someone comes from time spent together, and with the amount they have been apart, it makes sense she could come to this conclusion. Although, Carol doesn’t agree.

“We still know each other. I’m still the woman you reminded me I was when my world fell apart three years ago…”

She will never forget the speech Maria gave to her and the way it forced her to discover herself.

_‘You are Carol Danvers. You were the woman on that black box risking her life to do the right thing. My best friend, who supported me as a mother and a pilot when no one else did. You were smart, and funny, and a huge pain in the ass. And you were the most powerful person I knew, way before you could shoot fire through your fists.’_

“…and I know you, even if it’s been a long time. I know that you struggle to meet my eyes when you lie to me, but won’t break eye contact when you demand honesty of me. Maybe I’ve lost some memories, but I know your soul…”

Maria cries as each word falls from pink lips, and Carol wipes at the water which leaks from her eyes.

“I also know that the reason you hold onto us, despite how much you hate it, is because you know that there’s only us, that one day we’ll get it right.”

“But what if nothing ever will change?” Maria snaps frustratedly.

She wants Carol to make this easy on her, but that’s not in her nature, she won’t go down without a fight.

“What if we’re doomed to always be two parallel lines that never intersect, have you considered that?”

“Why would I?” Carol keeps her eyes steady, resting on her face like home.

Carol feels the blood rushing through her ears, and the room closing in on her, because a conversation she thought they would never have is about to begin. She can see it in the glistening tears in mahogany eyes and the black brows knotted into a deep sad frown.

“There’s a reason I dreamt about you when they took everything from me. When they stole my life, it was you who called me back. I told you, we are written in the stars. Don’t you believe that anymore?”

Maria’s mouth opens and closes.

“I have the starship now, what if you guys came with me, us against the universe?” Carol insists, feeling the grip of desperation enclosing.

Maria looks at her sadly through her sore red watery eyes.

“The stars were always your destination my love, my fight is here on earth.”

She must see the colour drain from Carol’s face because she hurriedly elaborates.

“I’m not saying we can’t visit, just, I love my life here, like you love yours out there.”

It’s difficult for Carol to hear because it feels like a rejection.

“Maria, listen to me,” she says taking her face between her hands, but she can no longer meet dark eyes through the wall of treacherous tears.

“Please, don't do this, there’s still love here, I know you feel it too.” She begs, a frenzied wreck trying to hold on by bleeding fingertips to something running away.  

“You'll find someone else, someone you can be wit–” Maria begins, before being interrupted by Carol’s raised voice.

“I don't fucking want anyone else! Who can compare to you? I do not want _anything_ without you.  Don't give up on me. Don’t give up on us.” The blonde’s voice cracks as she collapses into agonising sobs.

Emotions are high, and it’s Maria that holds Carol as the sobs wrack through her body. The blonde feels the wetness of Maria’s tears falling on her back, and they are both destroyed by this.

“Maybe we will meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I’ll be right for you and you'll be right for me. But, right now, I am chaos to your thoughts, and you are poison to my heart.” She says poetically.

“Bullshit!” She screams like a petulant child, a rage taking over her that she hasn’t ever felt before. Not at her parents, not at the Kree, not even at Yon-Rogg.

“Carol, I can’t do this, its drowning me, it is, this _hold_ , you have over me.”

“What am I doing to you?” She whispers.

“Every time I look at you, I want you to stay, but I also know that you can’t, I would never ask you to. I love you, but I have let you go, and you have to let me go. Tell me you understand.” 

Carol doesn’t listen though. She fights for Maria. She has no intention of giving up on them; she’s promised Monica, she’s promised herself.

“And what if I refuse to let go?”

She knows it is really selfish, and she hates herself a little more because Maria’s always been good to her. She wishes she could be better, let her go like she wants but she doesn’t believe they aren’t made for each other. 

Maria smiles solemnly at Carol’s stubbornness.

“It will drive you mad, if you don’t.”

She’s considered their separation a million times over the past year, and every scenario ends in unbearable heart ache. She doesn’t know how to let Maria go, when there is no distinct separation between her heart and Maria.

“I can’t lose you too.” She croaks, her voice strangled with pain.

“You’re not losing me. You’ll always be welcome here, in _our_ home, you’re my family…”

“But…”

“But I can’t give you romance, _that_ love. I’ve given you everything I have inside me, and it’s – ” Emotion prevents her from finishing her sentence.

Carol swears she can hear the cracking of her ribcage as her heart threatens to explode.

“I don’t _want_ to love you anymore.”

The blonde gasps a little at the statement.

Carol thinks it’s almost funny how a few words can shatter her heart, ruin her life. She has heard the saying ‘expect the unexpected’, but she never saw this coming, despite everything.

She pushes a breath out and falls back onto her heels, blown away by the words. When she’s digested it as best as she can in the moment, she takes Maria’s face in her hands a last time.

Maria refuses to meet her gaze, and her thumbs graze at soft cheeks and her dark eyes flutter minutely at the touch. Carol’s breath catches because she knows this means her heart isn’t completely closed off, there’s still a chance to salvage something from all the wreckage.

Carol is more desperate than she has ever been because she realises that her words are no longer enough. She feels Maria slipping through her fingers like she’s trying to hold onto water. It’s with this frantic desperation an outlandish idea comes.

“Okay, Maria wait, just –”

The other woman pauses, and that little hope is all she needs.

“Race me.”


	27. The Maria Cascade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol and Maria battle it out for the future of their love.

**The Maria Cascade**

Maria looks at her like she’s grown a second head, because the idea is completely crazy in a time like this. However, Carol has understood that her words mean precious little when she’s broken vows before.

“I’ll race you for one more chance, for you not to give up on us.” She challenges.

“What?”

The blonde has a wild look in her eyes, and she’s sure looks as desperate as she feels.

“I’m not asking you to let me back into your bed, just don’t close your heart to me. Let me race for the opportunity to try and right this wrong.”

Maria is conflicted because as strange as it may appear, Carol has found something which might make her think twice.

When she still doesn’t look convinced Carol continues persuading her.

“If you win, I’ll let you go like you ask. If I win, you give me one more chance to prove to you that I’m worth it, that we are worth it.”

Maria has always been irresistible to a dare, and Carol knows that. She is willing to fight dirty, to fight to the death or until her heart is won.  

Their eyes meet, and Carol raises her brows to provoke her a little more.

“How?” She’s intrigued and Carol takes that as a small victory.

“Greatest race of your life.”

Maria shifts back into her seat. It’s visible in her frown that she hates how powerless she is to the provocation.

“I’m listening.”

“You take the starship, it moves faster than light, and I’ll use, well, me.”

There’s no way Maria can deny the venture, the stakes are higher than ever before, and it’s fitting for a race of this magnitude.

“Where to?” She finally says accepting the challenge.

“I’ll give you the coordinates.”

With a final nod, Carol collects her suit and leads them out.

It’s dark with only the moon and stars providing light. It seems fateful that it’s night time, when they can physically see the destination Carol wishes to fly to.  

Carol shows her the basics of the starship, and luckily the piloting setup is very similar to the jets they trained in.

Before she clocks in the coordinates, the blonde points to the star they are headed towards.

“See that bright star in the middle of the Aquarius constellation, that’s the finish line.”

There’s no playfulness between them, their bets are gravely serious and neither of them can find it within themselves to initiate banter.

“First one to the finish line wins.” Maria says. Although, either result could be a disaster, and in the end, neither woman may win.

Carol smiles a little because Maria doesn’t warn her not to cheat or take shortcuts, she takes this as a sign that perhaps secretly she does want the blonde to win.

They send each other their traditional hand gesture, like they once did as pilots. For a moment it feels as though they are in their twenties again; the carefree competitive pilots, desperately in love with each other and their life together.

“Three…” Carol mouths.

“Two…” Maria mouths back.

Neither woman says ‘one.’

They both blast off into the nights sky, racing towards the finish line. Maria takes to the starship like a fish to water. The blonde is surprised, although she shouldn’t be; Maria was always the better pilot.

Surprisingly, once they both reach the first jump point, it is Maria that is ahead, and the race truly becomes real for Carol. Everything she wants is riding on her finishing first. She may be the most powerful being in the universe, but it will come to mean nothing if she loses this.

So, she digs in hard and harnesses every bit of power she has. She literally feels the light ripple through her like lightening, and it’s painful how much she pushes herself. She travels so fast she genuinely fears she may lose her human form and end up as the energy form which resides inside her.

She doesn’t concentrate on anymore fears or anxieties as they erupt through the final jump point. In the last stages of the race, Carol manages to surpass Maria and reach the finish line minutes before her.

Carol had strategically picked this place as the finish line. The coordinates are for the star which the Skrulls new planetary empire orbits.

Carol thought that if she could show Maria exactly what she’s been doing, show her that even though she left, her heart was always with her. If Maria can see for herself, it might change her mind.

When Maria eventually arrives, she can barely look at Carol because she is awestruck by the amazing orbiting planets. She is slack jaw in astonishment at the view before her; the planets orbit slowly in the ‘M’ shape.

Carol enters the small starship, to join the other woman.

For a long time, Maria doesn’t speak at all, unable to rip her eyes away from the rings, colours and lights of this corner of the universe.

“It’s beautiful.” She whispers almost to herself.

“It’s almost as beautiful as its namesake.” Carol reveals.

Maria neck snaps in her direction, and her eyes are wide, but she doesn’t speak.

“The Maria Cascade.”

“T,The – The Maria Cascade?” She’s flabbergasted.

Carol sees her deduce the meaning of it all, her eyes move from confusion, to shock, to hope in a matter of seconds.

“I was given the honour of naming the Skrulls new home.”

Dark eyes flicker across her face for the truth because this gesture, this is bigger than anything she could have imagined, and this changes everything.

“You did it, you completed your mission.”

There’s pride in her voice, and the feeling Carol had been waiting for since completing her mission finally washes through her. It’s only with Maria’s acknowledgement, she finally experiences the sense of accomplishment she should have felt.

“Maria, this means I can stay.” She explains.

Yet, the moment switches in a way she doesn’t expect. Maria’s features are plagued with that smile Carol has gotten used to seeing, which signifies the exact opposite of happiness.

“And how long before your wanderlust calls you again… we both know Captain Marvel has never been mine to keep.”

“Maybe I can’t stay forever, but this has to mean _something_!” She snaps frustration getting the better of her.

Maria closes her eyes, unable to bare the look in Carol’s eyes.

“Are you still giving up on us?” Carol asks, tears building again.

She’s cried so much today that it’s a wonder she has any left.

“One grand gesture, as grand as this may be, does not erase the fact that you left me.” Maria reveals.

“But I won the race!” She argues slamming her first on the console.

When she sees Maria flinch, she wants to vomit. The nausea swirls in her stomach because it is all messed up and she has no one to blame but herself. More than that, it’s turning her into someone monstrous, and she thinks that maybe Maria was right, maybe they don’t know how to love each other anymore.  

 “You also did the one thing I never thought you would do…” Maria begins softly.

A dark hand reaches to uncurl Carol’s fist, not caring for the heat radiating out of it, and Carol thinks she couldn’t love her anymore than in this moment.

“…I know you might think I’m overreacting but what you did hurts so deeply, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive you for it… Carol, you were my wi –” her voice trembles on the last word.

She doesn’t have to finish the sentence though. Carol’s caught the word. _Wife_.  

“You were my _wife_. Not in any legal sense but in the only sense that mattered...”

Finally, the memory Maria had willed Carol to remember evaporates through the fog of her mind and is as visible in her head as the planets before them.

 _“When your head gets stormy, and your heart turbulent, come to me, let me be your base. I’ll love away the darkness which threatens to steal you from me.”_ Maria had pledged.

Carol recalls how she got on one knee, on the sticky floor of that Panchos cubicle, and asked Maria to be her wife.

“Be my wife?” She had whispered it like a prayer.

Maria thought it joke first, and a curt chuckle had escaped her lips until she met the intense gaze of honey brown eyes.

“Why?”

This had drawn a genuine laugh out of the blonde.

“I love you Maria. I love you because you were the first person to come into my life and not try and fix me like some home improvement project. Every time I’ve come to you broken, you’ve steered the way and allowed me to fix myself. Every time I’ve been knocked down, it is with your encouragement that I got up again. You never wanted to be my saviour, any more than you wanted me to be yours. I love you because on my worse days, like today, when all I can think about are the horrible things my father did to me, you treat it as a normal day; pulling me from the darkest corners of my mind. You have never viewed me as a broken person. I needed to be seen, not as a fragile worthless piece of glass, ready to break at the slightest tap; but as a beacon of power. You’ve seen right through me, into my very soul…We are the night, and even though the night is dark and terrifying, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world to me.  I won’t ever care for anyone the way I do you and Lieutenant Trouble… will you be my wife?”

She had rambled on in her somewhat inebriated state, but she had never been so serious about anything in her life.

She had no ring to offer, instead it was her heart in her hands and that was far more important.

Maria cried much like she was now, except the tears had been for joy then.

“You know I won’t ever leave you, don’t you?” The other woman had vowed.

“This isn’t because of my father’s death. I’m not scared you’ll abandon me, I am not trying to force you to me like a tattoo.” Carol had admitted.

 “Carol Danvers, I give you my whole heart, from this day to beyond my last. Any storm we may face, I promise to face it with you, and _never_ give up on us, or on you.”

The memory hits Carol hard. It contorts her mind inside out, and she’s so shell-shocked, she has to reach for the console to keep herself from somehow falling.

“I remember.”

Maria nods solemnly.

“You were my wife and then you _died_ , forgot me, remembered me, only to abandon me. It ripped me apart from inside out, and I don’t know how to get over that. I trusted you, and leaving, after everything, feels like a betrayal.”

They are both stunned by the turn of events.

That excruciatingly painful silence that has begun to accompany them everywhere they go, settles between them again. Even though they sit next to each other, it feels as if they have never been so far apart.

“Maria, baby, I’m sorry.” She pleads in the sincerest way she can, taking her face in her hands.

Honey brown eyes meet mahogany orbs. She’s pleading and begging because that’s all she has.

In a last-ditch attempt, Carol closes the distance between their lips, she pushes everything she has into the kiss. Carol’s never been the best with emotions, especially those of the heart, and it’s all she can do to relay to Maria, that she’s everything to her, that she’s truly sorry.

“Please kiss me back.” She whispers against Maria’s lips.

Maria does, push back, just a little, before she pushes carol away gently.

She falls to her knees before her ready to plead one last time.

“I moved the stars and they made that ‘M’ you see there. Surely, some divine power somewhere is telling us we are supposed to be together. Giving up on you would be the greatest sin that I could commit, and I _won’t_ do it. It is literally written in the stars now. Let me prove to you I’m right. I’m willing to wait however long it takes, for your heart to heal, for the day you _want_ to love me again. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or even six years from now, but I’ll wait, just like you did for me; through death, through amnesia… through abandonment. Please, Maria, let me prove to you that I deserve another chance.” She begs, on her knees like she did when she proposed, both hands out in defeat and her heart in her hands once more.

She’s in despair, and Maria sees this. Her resolve shatters in the face of Carol’s raw vulnerability.

“Okay…”

Carol is stunned by how beautiful she is, and how no one will ever compare to the goddess before her. It’s a beauty unlike the women in magazines or film, it’s her very soul that is capturing. A soul filled with, resilience, forgiveness, and love, so much love. Maria could never be beautiful for something as temporary as her looks.

“…one last chance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments again! I hope you enjoyed this update :)


	28. 371 Days Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol works to earn back her lover's trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to all the peeps that leave lovely comments! Also, yes that scene was inspired by Love and Basketball!! Go check it out if you haven't seen it... it hurts though.

**371 Days Later**

For every day Carol was gone, the year she was caught in the Kree-Skrull-Shi'ar war, she spends back on earth with her family.

Unlike before, Maria makes a pointed decision to not stop their lives to accommodate Carol’s sudden return. It’s understandable after the past. Therefore, she finds a way to slip into their lives rather than disrupt their routines.

Monica is quicker to adjusting to having the blonde around. Carol takes her to school every morning, studies with her every night; is there at every track, karate and swim meet. She’s in attendance at every event she’s needed and even when she isn’t. Her withstanding presence an attempt to make up for everything she missed; although, she knows there’s no making up for the time lost. Instead, they make the new memories Monica spoke of.  

Over the year she is home, Carol and Maria rediscover one another. Not simply in the way that comes from living together, there’s a knowing that comes from two souls intended for one another.

Maria is more than she imagined; still a brilliant pilot and engineer breaking barriers within SHIELD; an active member of the community fighting for the rights of those oppressed. Carol learns from her that powers are not what makes a superhero.

The blonde also discovers new things about herself. She establishes herself as a good mother, something she didn’t believe would happen, especially growing up without one herself. Also, in waiting for Maria to open her heart to her again, she learns to practice patience; a virtue she never could master. Importantly, she manages to bridge the gap between the woman she once was, and the woman she now is.

Although Carol and Maria grow close in many ways, there is a limit to their proximity. A barrier which Carol cannot seem to overcome, despite how hard she may try.

At times, Maria will repel from her touch; long behind are the days of intimate embraces, affectionate kisses or hands entwining. Maria refuses to allow Carol’s touch to linger. It is chillingly lonely without the physicality of their former relationship.

Some days, Maria shuts down with an anxiety nagging at her; which she keeps distant from Carol. When the blonde does ask, she barricades herself off, dismissing it as nothing more than tiredness. Sometimes, she hides away in her bedroom, the one room Carol hasn’t stepped in since the last time she left it; abandoning her. Even though Maria is physically there, she is not always _present_. It is lonelier still, without the emotional intimacy of the past.

No one discusses when Carol is leaving. Maria never asks, and Carol doesn’t bring it up either. It’s one of a few unspoken things. Carol dreads undoing all the progress she’s made between them. Sometimes she feels the question in dark eyes, _‘when are you going to abandon me again?_ ’

Even now, 371 consecutive days present, Maria is still anticipating the worst, and waiting for Carol to run again. It’s not something she can resent her for, she did leave after all; but it does stir _something_ inside the hero.

However, Carol is adamant on remaining until the two can come to an accord and they are mended. Until then, the rest of the universe will have to wait.

Despite Maria’s careful distancing, Carol finds; clothes for her appear in the guest room, breakfast and dinner prepared for her every day, and inclusion in the Dubois family cookouts. There are many subtle welcoming actions, telling her; she is welcome. This is _still_ home. For those things alone, her time back on earth has been the happiest in a very long time.

In return for Maria’s kindness, every day flowers are delivered to her office, Carol showers her with gifts and the love she will allow. She remembers more about how they used to be and tries to slowly introduce old habits and traditions. With every action, she works to prove she wants to be here too. _Maria_ is still home.

Furthermore, in efforts to woo Maria, she leaves poems and messages for her to find. It’s something she took up when she rediscovered Maria’s interest in literature. From that day, she has worked tirelessly on sometimes silly, sometimes serious, but always heartfelt words to try and pull a smile or laugh from Maria which isn’t tinged with melancholy.

The morning of the SHIELD Office Christmas party, Carol catches Maria stumble across one of her poems. The blonde observes from the doorway as Maria murmurs the words aloud to herself.

_“Last night I dreamt you said goodbye,_

_I held you so close that you were I,_

_and I wept an ocean with my eyes,_

_because last night I dreamed I died._

_For what use would I be,_

_if there was no you to see._

_So please allow me another moment,_

_for I am a sinner in atonement._

_Remember the things that are ours,_

_dark nights, open skies and burning stars._

_Remember the many nights we devoured,_

_and forget the days I was a coward._

_I wish to see you smiling and living,_

_flying, loving and forgiving,_ _  
especially me, for running away and not believing,_

_the truths I knew in my soul,_

_that without you I have no control,_

_and only with you I am whole._

_I loved you long before I knew you,_

_and missed you long before I met you,_

_I loved you even as a stranger,_

_and never meant your heart danger._

_Last night I had a dream not so charming,_

_one in which I lost my darling,_

_thank god it was only a vision,_

_and that I am not stuck in such a prison.”_

It’s a private moment and Carol lingers just long enough to gage her reaction. Observes the way her fingers stroke over the words fondly and a tiny smile pulls at her lips.

Yet, as usual, the expression is immediately followed by a faraway look and the drenching of sadness. This stirs a bubbling anger inside of Carol. One which has been boiling up and has begun to seep into her bones. A simmering rage which manifests by her snapping at store clerks, the post man and even her sandwich if it isn't quite right. She can only contain it around Maria because she knows she has no right resent her for the effects of the hurt she caused. So, she tells herself that it will pass and focuses on the fact that at least she made her smile; a sad smile is worlds away from the many tears of 371 days ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm a week late on the update but I've uploaded a few chapters to make up for it! :) If you still rocking with the story, you the homie xxxx


	29. Responsibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol is confronted with the responsibilities of Captain Marvel.

**Responsibility**

As Carol waits for Monica for their regular training, her communicator receives a call from the other side of the galaxy. It is the second one that morning and she knows she can’t ignore it again.

She picks up and a live hologram appears of Lucas Bishop, a former X-Man, now Imperial Chancellor under Majestrix Lilandra of the Shi'ar Empire.

“Chancellor Bishop, as I told you before, I’m not a mercenary for the Majestrix to use at her beckon call to end family disputes.” She responds coldly.

The anger inside her is ignited by the reminder that she is still Captain Marvel. She knows she can’t play house forever, but she’s terrified that if she leaves; it will erase all the developments she has made with Maria. She actively works to delay that day for as long as possible.

“Part of the terms of our alliance with the Skrulls included you.” The Chancellor reminds her, as if she is not aware of every word that tied her to them.

“Unless the Majestrix’s sister is threatening _innocent_ lives, this is not my fight!”

Bishop has contacted her a few times over the year, updating her on the state of the Skrulls developing empire, and the threat of Lilandra’s sister, Deathbird.

“Should Deathbird successfully usurp the crown, do you really believe your treaty with the Skrulls will still be honoured?”

She grinds her teeth, feeling the familiar rising of the hot rage inside her.

“She’s the mother of _your_ child. You deal with it. After all, this mess is of your doing.”

It’s a low blow but Carol can’t contain her frustration.

“My only crime was falling in love. I thought she was good, she saved me and then used me. I’m in this position trying to right those wrongs.”

A part of her is itching to help; the wanderlust in her, the hero in her. However, the human in her, the one very much in love, is adamant on holding onto the life she’s created on Earth. Although she presents as resolutely opposed to aiding; she _is_ torn.

“Then right your wrong, but I can’t help you end this fight between the Majestrix and her sister. This is not my fight.” She reiterates. 

“Deathbird murdered her own mother, father and sister. If we don’t stop her, the Majestrix and I will follow.” He explains, desperation clear in his voice.

There’s quiet over the phone. There’s more than he is saying.

“She took Aliyah!” He loses his composure momentarily, but it’s long enough to hear his grief.

Carol remembers his daughter, a newborn the last time she saw them. She had fallen in love with the little baby, that had a striking resemblance to Monica; and she’s sure that is what has her changing her mind now.   

She sighs heavily feeling the mounting weight of her situation.

“Look, just give me some time. I need time to figure things out.” She says finally.

She hates that he has to plead with her. She knows he shouldn’t have to persuade her, it’s her responsibility but so is her family. Once again, she faces the consequences of trying to balance two warring aspects of her life.

More and more, it feels like she must choose between Captain Marvel and Carol Danvers’ lives. Maria would never ask her to, but it seems like the universe’s inevitable ultimatum. If it comes to the choice, she is selfishly willing to give up Captain Marvel; despite how much it would destroy her and how many billions might suffer without her. Carol believes she would suffer more than every living being in the universe without Maria. It’s unhealthy and she knows it, but it is where she is now.

Monica appears then, ready to train, and Carol hides that she was just on her communicator. She believes herself to have been quick enough to conceal it, especially when Monica doesn’t question her and instead throws herself into their training.

Carol has been teaching her self-defence and physical discipline to prepare her for whatever destiny lay in her future. She’s more focused than any fifteen-year-old should be. Destiny is hard to deny, especially when she has propelled herself full force into the cadets.  

Due to Carol’s belief in Monica, she is relentless in her mentoring. Despite the many tears that come with the intense training, Monica has come back every morning, the image of her mother, the image of Carol; a determined force to be reckoned with. Carol’s greatest pride has been watching her blossom. Yet, she’s hard on her because when the time comes, the danger she will face will be real. So, she directs her, at her every fault, and encourages her, at her every success.

“You knock me over once and we can stop, that’s it, just the once. You want to be a hero, Spectrum, you have to do the seemingly impossible. So, take me down.” She encourages.

Monica grumbles, and instead Carol sets on her with a series of attacks which end in a winding jab to her stomach that throws her onto her back.

“I deliberately fell…” Monica says attempting to save face.

“…as a result of me punching you in the stomach.” Carol says echoing her own mentors’ words.

Despite hating Yon-Rogg for all he did, there is a complexity in her feelings regarding him. He trained her, and now she uses his same lessons to teach her own student.

“Please, I ran into your fist and fell.” Monica jests.

Carol laughs at seeing aspects of her own personality manifest in her child. It’s almost scary how full circle the moment is. She had been training towards her own destiny when she joked similarly, just as Monica does now. Except now, Carol trains her with an honesty and encouragement she never received.

Carol sees through Monica’s humour, there is something up with her today. Monica has fought in a controlled but, at times, lacklustre manner. Carol has been working on getting her to fight with heart _and_ head. She knows from experience you cannot have one without the other.

“Jokes aren’t going to distract me. Stop supressing your emotions. Feel every single one of them and let that allow you to focus and give you confidence. Again.” She commands.

Monica huffs in frustration but she is still not emotionally where she needs to be. When she attacks again, Carol forces her to the ground in one disorientating swoop.

“Never hesitate… because if you are afraid; you’re already dead.” Carol instructs.

The red-faced teenager’s anger begins to build rapidly and Carol smirks a little because this is exactly what she wants. Monica’s growing exasperation is evident in her heavy panting, but Carol isn’t afraid to push her because all the pain of now will save her in the future.

“Again.”

Monica lunges forward again and attacks her with a choreography of more vigorous punches. The blonde dodges expertly but still the teen holds something back. Carol then purposefully punishes her for it with a trip of the leg; which sends her flying onto her back again.

“Power is a responsibility only given to those prepared to –”

“What about YOUR responsibilities?” Monica interrupts.

Carol catches her wild eyes, sees the accusation and understands immediately that this about more than a little frustration of training.

“You heard me.” Carol deduces.

Monica nods.

Carol studies the teenager and the anger that had flown through her, is gone as quickly as it came. In her eyes is confusion more than anything.

“You talk about responsibility and duty, but what about yours? You’re needed out there and yet you’re here.” She concludes.

“I’m _needed_ here.” Carol retorts.

Monica is aware of many things regarding Carol and Maria’s relationship, yet there are also many things she doesn’t know. She doesn’t see Maria pull away from her when they are alone, she doesn’t notice the distance like Carol does. Monica sees a family who have happy days together.

“Why won’t you go?”

It’s somehow the hardest and easiest question to answer.

She sighs tiredly.

“How am I supposed to end other people’s wars if I can’t even end the one in my own home?” Carol answers honestly.

“Your war is different, it’s a war of the heart. That doesn’t matter as much. Anyway, from what I see, you and Mom are way past the fighting.”

Monica doesn’t understand that, despite all that has been fixed in the year Carol has been home, their relationship still feels like it is hanging on by a thread.

“Lesson 143: _all_ wars are wars of the heart.” Carol informs.

“Lesson 1: it’s your duty to help protect those who can’t protect themselves.” Monica throws back Carol’s own words against her.

Carol almost laughs. It’s _almost_ funny that although she is the teacher, it is Monica who guides her now.

There’s a long contemplative silence as Carol considers it all.

“Mom would never forgive you if you chose her over your duty.” Monica adds eventually.

It’s true and she knows it. She also knows it would be infinitely worse for Maria to hate her over that, than Maria’s hot and cold behaviour now.

The blonde sighs heavily because her weak arguments have been easily dismissed by Monica’s simple reasoning.

“She won’t break, you know… when you go.” Monica adds reading the fear in Carol’s eyes.

“I know.”

Carol doesn’t tell her, it’s not Maria who she’s afraid will be broken by it. In the year she’s been home, the blonde has become so dependent on her family, she’s sure she has forgotten what life is without them.

“You are right. You’re right about everything.”

In today’s training, it’s not only Monica who learns. Carol finally understands, in its entirety; the hero’s burden, which Dr Lawson and Talos spoke of. Her powers are both a blessing and a curse; the blessing is the duty of easing others’ suffering; the curse is sacrificing love, resulting in her own suffering. Having everything and nothing simultaneously.    

“I’ll do what’s right Monica, I promise.” She relents.

Monica nods and reading the pain on Carol’s face reaches out for a hug; something that has happened less frequently, as she’s grown into a teenager.

“When are you going to tell her?” She asks tentatively, face buried within Carol’s arms.

The blonde is grateful that at least Monica’s trust has been recovered. She knows the question easily could have been phrased as; ‘ _are_ you going to tell her?’

“I’ll tell her after the Christmas party tonight, let us enjoy one more day together.” Carol answers after a moment of contemplation.

 “You know, your Mom actually smiled at the little poem she found today.” Carol says efficiently changing the topic.

Monica gives her a knowing look, identical to one of Maria’s expressions, and Carol’s sure the teen is going to force her to confront the rest of the conversation. Yet, thankfully, she doesn’t push the topic.

“What did it say?”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, that’s none of your business, so I’m not telling you.” Carol jokes.

The poems are something Monica caught onto early, watching the blonde suffer with her words. Although she doesn’t pry, when it comes to the more romantic aspect of her mother’s and Carol’s relationship, the poems are one thing she encouraged her to do.  

“It can’t be any worse than the, ‘roses are red, violets are blue, Maria I want you back, because we are NSYNC’.” She teases.

“I’ll have you know, I’ve improved a lot since then.”

“Oh yeah, how?” She continues mockingly.

Carol begins tickling her relentlessly. Knowing she’s been incredibly ticklish since birth; and knowing all the areas that will have her squealing for mercy.

“Yeah Trouble, what did you say about my poetry skills...” She goads the hysterically giggling teenager.

“Mercy!”

She screeches between bouts of laughter, but Carol doesn’t stop. She relishes the moment, because her dreaded departure looms in her mind. She wants to cherish these moments most of all, as she knows this could be one of the last time, she experiences this joy with her little girl. Monica is quickly approaching adulthood, and Carol can’t be certain the next time they physically see each other again, won’t be before she’s too grown up for tickle fights.

“Mercy pleaaase.”

Carol doesn’t stop.

“ _Mama_ come on.” It slips out in a way Carol knows Monica didn’t even notice.

However, she’s stunned by it, but doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it, even though it _is_ a massive deal for her. She can’t stop her eyes watering and feigns being caught in the eye by one of Monica’s flailing arms as the reason to the lone tear which escapes.

“I thought you two were supposed to be training.” Maria says appearing behind them.

There’s a smile pulling at her eyes and it’s directed at the scene before her. Carol’s certain Maria heard the word slip from Monica’s mouth by the glistening of unshed tears in dark eyes. Despite this, Carol still catches the melancholic look from earlier wipe across her features before she schools them into a smile which doesn’t quite reach the eyes.

“We _are_ training, Spectrum was just about to battle it out for that new MP3 player for Christmas, isn’t that right?” Carol says challengingly, knowing, like Maria, she can’t refuse a dare.  

Monica bolts up at the promise of the one thing she’s been talking about for months. Little does she know, Carol already bought her one for Christmas.

The afro-haired teenager attacks Carol with more precision and poise than ever before. The lessons which have been drummed into her seem to have been taken on board, as Monica carries out a calculated deceptive manoeuvre, which Carol doesn’t expect; and in an instant, the blonde’s feet are wiped out from under her.

The blonde is shocked as she is proud, and when she meets Maria’s eyes, her eyebrows are raised with an expression on her face relaying, ‘where the hell did that come from?’

Maria and Monica laugh at Carol’s surprised wide eyes. The blonde can’t help but join them, but the joy is quickly overshadowed by the thought in the back of her mind; this could all be gone again soon.

****


	30. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The green-eyed monster comes into play.

**Jealousy**

The family of three spend the day curled up on the sofa watching reruns of _The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_. It’s close to the perfect day, if it wasn’t for Maria’s distant presence. It’s worse than any other day has been because even Monica notices something is wrong. Carol goes as far as to privately seek out the other woman. Yet, Maria insists it’s nothing but tiredness. This sparks a frustration deep inside the belly of the blonde. It’s her last day home, and she’s feeling the pressure of trying to fix something, that is increasingly becoming seemingly impossible to mend.

The evening arrives agonizingly quickly, and Fury arrives to collect the pair for the SHIELD Office Christmas party.

Fury and Carol wait for Maria who is the last to be ready.

“You scrub up well compared to when I first met you. Don’t get me wrong, the grunge was _a_ look…”  

Carol stops listening though; Maria finally appears and Carol’s mind goes blank.

Maria saunters into the room looking like the moon and the stars. Carol doesn’t know what to do with herself because Maria has her hair done up in braids and a dress which has her mind racing. The dark-skinned beauty always looks astonishing but, on some nights, Carol loses the complete ability to function.

Fury subtly nudges her when no words come out, she stands gawking at the other woman with all but her tongue out.

“Ah Maria you look…” Fury begins.

“Wow.” Carol finishes, much like she did on their date over a year ago.

Fury chuckles endearingly and Carol attempts to gather herself; quite embarrassed at her own reaction.

“Second that, you look hot Mom. It’s almost as if you’re trying to _impress_ someone.” Monica says conspiratorially.

Maria rolls her eyes but says nothing in response to Monica’s suggestion. Carol would be lying if she said it isn’t upsetting. Maria has shown no signs of desire since the night the blonde left, and it has been nagging in the back of her mind that perhaps she no longer feels that attraction to her. Carol knows she left her like a one night stand, and therefore hasn’t pressed Maria for anything more; but she does wonder if that aspect of their relationship is gone.

In the car journey, although Maria seems more herself, she is still somewhat pensive.

Carol finds this distancing of their souls the most unbearable. Sometimes they talk and laugh until the sun comes up, and other times Maria can scarcely meet her eyes properly. It’s something she can feel in the air. The way they can exist together, but there seems to be somewhere else she wants to be. Some days, it feels as if she is practically gone. The worst part is not knowing the reason she moves further and further away, and just knowing she is. Despite doing everything Carol can, to prove she is worth another chance, sometimes it feels as if they are back to square one.

Over the year, Carol has been working as a contractor for Fury, giving him intel on the greater universe, and helping him compile a portfolio of work; building towards becoming the Director of the entirety of SHIELD.

When they arrive at SHIELD, Carol aches to reach out and link their hands, show the world that this beautiful woman is hers. She has no idea if she’ll ever be able to claim that again and a growing frustration worries at her. Yet, she’s determined to try everything to finally bridge the gap between herself and Maria. It’s been a year and she’s tired of being pushed away, and she knows tonight is the last chance she’ll have. She is almost certain that if she leaves without trying everything, Maria will not open her heart again.

At some point in the evening, when she’s had a few drinks and is feeling little braver, she leans into Maria’s ear.

“You know, you really look beautiful tonight.”

Maria looks at her softly. Eyes quickly flickering to the company of people around them.

“So do you.” She whispers briefly raking her eyes over Carol’s own suit.

Carol’s genuinely surprised that there seems to be some spark of desire in dark eyes. She hopes it is not the alcohol in her system playing tricks on her mind.   

“I know… I _am_ trying to impress someone tonight.” Carol responds with a flirtatious wink, before reaching over to take Maria’s hand.

Maria smiles but pulls away from the touch, whatever plaguing thoughts that have been occupying her mind the entire day coming to the forefront again.

With the rejection, the already existent anger boiling up inside of Carol begins to burn with an insistence.

At that moment, one of Maria’s colleagues appears, interrupting, as Carol is about to snap.

“Hey Maria, I was talking to Dr Richard from Med, he’s had his eye on you for months.”

Maria looks surprised but more interestingly she looks flattered and this does nothing but add fuel to Carol’s irritation.

“Me?”

“Yes, he has been begging me for introductions…”

The woman spares a glance at Carol but is already pulling Maria away.

“… you don’t mind, do you?”

“Why would _I_?” Carol says, voice dripping in a sarcasm only Maria catches.  

Maria is dragged away leaving Carol alone with her vexation. She moves to the bar which coincidentally allows her a front row seat to Maria’s exchange with the doctor.

She observes the interest in his eyes and the clear attempts at flirting. It’s taking everything in the blonde to not walk over there and punch him in the face.

As they engage in a longer conversation, Carol tears her eyes away long enough to order drinks. She hopes the drunker she gets, the less it will bother her. It’s not a way to deal with things but it has always been the way she has dealt with things.

“By the way you sip that whisky, something tells me that’s not your usual drink.” A sultry voice says from beside her.

Carol seeks out the voice. The voice matches a face Carol vaguely recognises as one of Fury’s newest recruits.

“Hmm, so what is my _usual_ drink?” Carol retorts wondering the intention behind dazzling blue eyes.

Carol doesn’t miss the sedate way the young woman rakes her eyes across her body, and the way those eyes linger deliberately in certain places.

She knows she shouldn’t be entertaining her, even for a second, but a tiny part of her wants to be very petty. She’s not vindictive by nature, but she _does_ want to flirt with the girl, trigger something in Maria, get a rise out of her; just so she knows there’s something still there for them.

“I’d say you’re usually a beer kind of girl, but today, you’re looking to forget something… forget someone. So, I’m guessing whisky was your father’s drink and maybe he drank it often, often enough so he could forget too.” The recruit deduces expertly.

The girl is confident in a manner not usual of new recruits. Although she’s young, and still low in the ranks, there’s an air of maturity about her. She’s seen the woman around Fury, and Carol understands why he has chosen her for his student. 

“Impressive. You’re very observant.”

She smirks and Carol doesn’t miss her intent when she rests a hand _almost_ subtly on her forearm.

“Or maybe you’re easy to read.” She says cockily.

“You’re new here. Probably straight out the military by the way you still stand like there’s a sergeant around. You’re confident in a way which tells me you had a tough time of it, back in the boys’ club. You prefer the company of women because you work with men all day and they mock you for being tough-minded and by the book, especially when they praise other men for those same qualities.”

Carol flashes her a smirk of her own in retaliation.

“Touché.”

“I get the feeling you already know who I am.” Carol responds knowingly.

She leans in and lowers her voice a few registers.

“You’re Captain Marvel.” 

For everyone within SHIELD, minus a select few, Captain Marvel doesn’t exist.

“Who’s Captain Marvel?” She feigns ignorance.

Blue eyes dance with amusement.

“So, what do I call you?” She signals for the girl’s name.

“Agent Maria Hill.” She says pulling her hand out for Carol to take.

Carol chokes at her name because she’s sure that some God somewhere is playing a terrible trick on her.

When she finds Maria Hill’s eyes, they are directed at mistletoe which dangles directly above them and the harmless flirting suddenly has serious consequences.  

Fury approaches them then, having been observing from a distance.

“This is a dangerous game you’re playing. I’d quit all this mess before you make a stupid-ass decision you can’t fix.” Fury warns Carol.

Her eyes flicker to _her_ Maria across the room and they lock gazes. There’s a fire in dark eyes and Carol’s slapped with guilt. The harmless flirting and jealousy plays are childish, and she knows that. Yet, she’s still angry because despite this, _her_ Maria continues the conversation with the doctor and is not there with her.

She clears her throat before dismissing Maria Hill.

“It was nice meet you, Agent Hill.” She says in a tone effectively establishing a clear unavailability.

The young recruit assesses the situation quickly and disappears as suddenly as she came.

Carol and Fury remain at the bar. They don’t talk for a while, as Carol allows her guilt, anger and jealousy to fester all over again. She knocks back a couple more glasses of whisky and is on another when Fury speaks.

“You know, if you want, I can go get Goose, we make him disappear, no one will ever find him.” He jokes attempting to pull Carol’s eyes away from Dr Richard.

“Maybe Goose can make me disappear instead. Then I’d have nothing to worry about.”

“What’s going on with you?” He wonders.

“Captain Marvel’s needed.”

Understanding dawns on his face, and Carol thinks she sees disappointment flash across his features.

“Maria doesn’t know.”

She sighs heavily and the downs the rest of her drink in confirmation.

“I wanted one last good day together but apparently, _Dr Dick_ over there, is far more important than me.”

The alcohol is starting to take effect, applying a light haziness and looseness to Carol’s senses and thoughts.

Fury chuckles lowly.

“Just because she laughs at his poor jokes doesn’t mean she’s in love with the guy.” He responds studying the interaction as well.  

Carol doesn’t answer for a while. Instead, examines the way Maria’s eyes twinkle at some compliment she’s received. She knows her well enough to know her every reaction. Once upon a time, Maria carried that same starry twinkle in her eyes when Carol complimented or said something both endearing and outrageous.

Watching the light Carol has been frantically attempting to pull out from the other woman, be drawn out, even as a glimpse, by someone else, hurts. Hurts in ways that is confusing to her because it goes against everything she thought she knew. The blonde cannot stop the terrifying and rage inducing thought which slithers into her mind; what if Maria can no longer love her in the way she once did?

“I’m afraid she’s fallen out of love with me.” She admits in a whisper no louder than a sharp breath.

Fury catches it though. For a moment, he looks as if his parents have just told him they are getting a divorce, before he schools his features into something more serious.

Although Fury is her closest friend, Carol is vulnerable in a way which makes her uncomfortable.

 “So, you thought you’d win her over by flirting with someone else?” He says, calling out her stupidity.

 “I have been fighting tooth and nail trying to pull the ropes that held us together closer. I find myself sprinting to catch her, and I'm out of breath from trying to close this space between us. It seems the more I chase the bigger the gap gets. I thought we had hope, and now she’s over there laughing at that Dr Dick’s jokes, and I’m here flirting with a girl barely old enough to drink, trying to make the love of my life feel something for me again.” She explodes.

There’s an anguish in her eyes that even Fury doesn’t know how to respond to.

Being in this setting, a room full of drunk adults dancing and partying like there is no tomorrow, takes her back to a painful memory.

Her mind wanders to the dreadful day of Maria’s wedding. Her memories of the day are hazy, not simply from the amnesia, she remembers drinking a lot that awful day, in hopes of making a jealousy she didn’t yet understand go away.

The wedding was a rushed and eventful affair, conducted a week after Maria found out she was pregnant. Luckily, Carol hadn’t been Maid of Honour, that gift had gone to Maria’s sister. However, being a bridesmaid hadn’t been any better for the blonde.

For that week, she had to pretend that it wasn’t the most painful thing to watch Maria get married to someone else. Carol hadn’t known she was in love with her then, she’d been attracted to her from the beginning, but _love,_ that was something she had no idea about.

She couldn’t explain to herself why she started drinking before the ceremony, and she couldn’t explain why she’d broken down and cried alone after they left the church.

At the reception, much like now, she’d sat and stared at Maria with a fire burning inside. She’d talked herself into believing the jealousy she felt was about losing her best friend; knowing that now she had a husband, they wouldn’t be able to spend as much time together.

The worst thing about that day though, was the drunken speech she gave. Even now, she can remember the words she said aloud in public for everyone to dissect.

“Maria Dubois – Rambeau, sorry, it’s going to take a little getting used to saying that… Anyway, I sort of crashed into her life and she welcomed me into her universe like no else ever has. She made me fall in love with living. That’s a gift that not many people have. We all know that Maria is incredibly talented, determined, funny and disgustingly caring; makes you feel bad, kind of caring.”

Initially, Carol received a few laughs, and even a couple of ‘ _aw’s’_ from the audience. Yet, as the speech had gone on, the atmosphere in the room began to shift.

“What most people don’t know about Maria, is that, she’s not a person who pretends she doesn’t see your flaws, she is a person that loves you ferociously, flaws and all. I’ve always tried to be the big hero, thought that it would make people like me….but, Maria doesn’t care about bravado. It’s a good heart that draws her in. So, if she chooses you, then you know you’re pretty darn special.  She’s the moon and stars on the darkest of nights and she’s not someone you should ever let go of…”

It would have been received innocently enough had it not been for the long pause Carol took, and the tears that gathered in her eyes as she’d stared longingly at Maria. 

“…I’m the luckiest person in the world to know you and I wish it was me sat there next you. I love you…”

The climate of the room had been swept in the most painful awkwardness, and had it not been for the kick under the table from Maxine, Carol would have continued to say more stupid things.

Instead, she’d somehow carried on and saved what was becoming the most uncomfortable wedding speeches of the century.

“…I love you as my _best friend_ , I love you like we are _blood_ sisters…” she’d clarified trying to save face.

“…You and Frank are a beautiful couple and so I wish you all the best in your marriage.”

Her drunken state had made it difficult for her lie to sound convincing. Her speech very nearly ruined the day, had it not been for Frank’s own embarrassing behaviour after. Once he engaged into a brawl with Maria’s cousin, after he accused him of trying it on with his girlfriend, everyone had quickly forgotten about Carol’s speech.

Instead of seeking out Maria and comforting her over what happened with Frank, she’d left with one of the bridesmaids, wanting to forget the pain inside her she couldn’t understand.

The stupid part of her brain wanted to make Maria jealous, but in the end, it just left her feeling guilty and empty.  

Carol cringes at her actions presently because it is astounding that she ever tried to settle for anything less than Maria. All those lovers and she had been looking for Maria in every one of them. Looking for the black woman’s devotion in brown eyes the wrong shade, searching for intellect in a voice the wrong cadence, feeling for her delicate touch from someone else’s calloused hands; and wishing for her sweet lips from someone else’s mouth.

Shortly after the wedding, Frank begged her to stay away from Maria, and she’d tried. Backed away like he asked. Her heart and stomach and entire insides felt desolate for weeks following. The heartbreak she endured was entirely draining of energy and life. The blonde had been sick in body, mind, heart and soul. There was a near constant ache she couldn’t make go away. It was a gut-wrenching emptiness so deep she felt like a piece of her was missing. It hadn’t made much sense until 8 months later, when Monica was born, and Carol came to the crushing realisation; she was _in_ love and had been for a very long time.

“I have to get her back.” She admits to Fury, pushing away the difficult memory.

“Then stop pussyfooting around and make her remember why she fell in love with you in the first place.”

“And why did she fall in love with me?” She asks voice small.

“If I have to tell you that _Avenger_ , then maybe you really aren’t meant to be together.”

It’s a provoking statement but Carol knows it’s deliberate. It fires up the fury in her belly, and with the understanding that today is make it or break it, Carol faces her fears, like she did those Kree ships; and stalks up to Maria.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It had to be baby Maria Hill. She's a class act and deserves waaay more love!


	31. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explosions, fires and destruction. Carol and Maria engage in a battle that will change them forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...ummm smut? Explicit content.

**Breaking Point**

“Do you mind if I have a word?”

Carol very nearly yanks Maria away from the confused doctor, but sensing the fire in Carol’s stormy eyes, he doesn’t protest.

Carol takes her by the hand and leads her away from the party. She’s not exactly sure what she’s doing, she’s dangerously running on emotions and alcohol; which has always been a risky situation in her life.

Eventually they reach Maria’s office, not too far from the party.

When the door closes behind her, Maria retracts her arm away from the blonde; and when their eyes meet, there’s a mirrored anger in her dark orbs.

“What the _hell_ is your problem Carol?”

“My problem? My problem is I’ve had to sit there all night and watch you flirt with _Dr Dick_ … it’s one thing to push me away, but it’s another to flirt with someone right in my face.” She responds in an equally warning tone.

Maria huffs out a humourless laugh.

“You’re one to talk, I saw _you_ flirting with that dewy-eyed intern. Anyway, Dr _Richard_ was the one flirting with me.”

“And you were enjoying it!”

The green-eyed monster messes about the blonde’s mind. The confrontation isn’t about the doctor or the intern; it’s just a manifestation of everything wrong between her and Maria.

Maria tuts but doesn’t say anything else. Instead she leans against the door arms crossed, eyes looking at everywhere but Carol.  

“You don’t look at me in the same way anymore. I see the sadness in your eyes behind every smile and laugh. Maria, I feel it all, and it feels like punishment.” She says voice softer.

They are both on the defensive, angry at one another for things neither is sure how to articulate because the complexity of it all.

“I look at you with all the love I have left.” Maria says eventually.

“Well, I want you to know it’s killing me.”

“Do you think you’re the only one that suffers from this!” Maria snaps, voice raising just a little; her composure falling apart quickly.

“How would I know! You refuse to tell me anything, all I know about you recently is that you’re always tired, but apparently not too tired to laugh at Dr Dick’s jokes.”  

It’s childish but she can scarcely control her words.  

When their eyes meet, it’s like the room is electric because the moment is charged in a way neither of them anticipated.

Carol thinks finally some progress and opens up her own crossed arms and steps towards the other woman. Maria retreats further back into the door, and Carol stops a few metres away.  

“How much longer will you push away my advances?”

Carol steps closer again, and she sees the barely visible shift towards the door.

Although she has little memories of her mother, something about the situation feels like the estranged relationship her parents had before her mother vanished. This makes her feel her anger tenfold.

“What do you want from me Maria? Apologies? I've said sorry so many times I know you’re sick of hearing it. I left you. I hurt you. I know that. There aren’t any words to explain how utterly shit I feel about it. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make things right between us, but I’m all out of ideas. Tell me, how can I fix this? _Please,_ tell me. I'll do anything. But, _this_ , I can't…I can't stand the loneliness of where we are right now." She rushes out in an explosive rage.

“I don’t know. What do you want from _me_ , Carol?” Maria throws back with equally as much fire.

The answer is so complicated that Carol almost laughs at the simplicity of the question. In her stewing fury, she doesn’t know how to say; I want you happy and fulfilled, and more than anything, I want to be the person that makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

“I want you. _All_ of you. Uninhibited, wild, free and fierce… I want to us truly together.” She admits, softer now, studying the turbulence behind dark eyes.  

“Reconciliation requires a foundation, requires trust.”

“Do we not yet have that?” Carol wonders exasperatedly.

“You died – then abandoned me.”

Carol sees, for the first time, that Maria has not only been harbouring resentment for her abandonment, Maria’s been nurturing the grief of her death.

“I know that!”

This time she yells because she can not contain herself any longer.

“But how much longer will you punish me?”

She shakes her head trying to clear out the treacherous leaking water behind her eyes.

“I know you’re leaving again…”

Although she’s angry, there isn’t accusation in her tone.

“… and maybe I have been punishing you, and maybe I wanted you to suffer a little bit too. More than anything, I want my life back; before the powers, before the amnesia… I know I can’t go back, but what’s going to be left for me when you disappear into the sky again, and Monica goes chasing after you soon… So, maybe I _was_ flirting with Dr Dick tonight; because for a second, it was nice to pretend I could choose something different. For a moment, I got to see myself loving again... When it’s all said and done, I’m going to be alone.”

Carol’s heart breaks all over again.

“But I’m here now.” She whispers.

“You broke your promises to me Carol.”

“And what about your promises to me? You swore you would never give up on me.” She says reminding her of her own promises the day Carol proposed.

_‘I give you my whole heart, from this day to beyond my last. Any storm we may face, I promise to face it with you, and never give up on us, or on you.’_

This silences Maria for once.

When she doesn’t respond, Carol notices the distance which they stand from each other, reminding her of their emotional distance; and it triggers the anger that has been building and boiling over the year.

“I have kept every promise I’ve made since I fucked up, every date I’ve been _here_.” It comes out defeated, and pleading.

The tension is thick between them, and they study each other carefully, both debating what the next move will be. Maria’s face is purposefully schooled into calculated nonchalance, so Carol does not know what she’s thinking.

“371 days Maria, that’s how long I’ve been here!”

Maria’s eyes narrow in a rigid hard stare, as she peers straight into Carol’s soul.

“And how many days were you gone?”

Whether it’s the alcohol, jealousy or longing jumbling her every thought, Carol explodes like a bomb with no fuse. She stalks up to Maria, and although she is the shorter one, she seems to tower over the other woman.

With a mouthful of words, Carol raises hell. She yells and vents and rails at Maria, curses her stubbornness and her pride. She says things she means and things she doesn’t. She demands Maria come back to her and tells her it is her duty as a wife. She tells her how much _she_ has hurt her and how much _she_ has suffered without her.

“Do you not see my regret? Can you not see my pain!”

She shouts until her throat is so raw she can’t even swallow the lump that has risen in her throat.

“I’ve been _here_! Right _here_!”

Maria is quiet, letting her stew in her anger. She waits calmly for her to finish. She stands a little taller, lifts her chin and sizes her up.

When Maria does respond it’s a kick in the gut.

“Well, maybe I wish you hadn’t been.”

Carol’s not sure how to comprehend the burning look in eyes that have only ever held love before. Her words don’t match her expression, but the statement has still been voiced.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying… I _want_ you to go.” Her voice cracks and dark eyes skitter away from her face.

It’s quite possibly the ugliest thing Maria has ever said to her and she’s not sure how to process it.

“I won’t do it.” She spits through gritted teeth.

Between flaring nostrils, and heavy breaths, Maria’s eyes drop to her lips and lightning bolts through them.

Carol closes the distance between them, effectively trapping Maria between herself and the door. The gap between them no thicker than a sheet of paper.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you never want to see me again.” Carol demands.

The fierceness in Carol’s tone surprises them both. It’s a tone Carol has only ever used once, when she’d bared her soul to Maria and first confessed her love to her; after they’d fallen into bed together for the first time.  

Her lips are a breath away and Maria’s eyes flicker from one to the other.

“I – I want – No.” Maria whispers with feigned strength in the face of Carol’s dominance.

Maria’s eyes dilate and drop to Carol’s lips again; and trapped there between Carol and the exit, there’s no hiding the want in her half-lidded expression.

Carol covers her mouth with her own, swallowing the curses that pour from her lips.

This isn’t how they settle arguments, they’ve never argued like this before. She has never gotten this angry before, and neither has Maria. Carol isn’t sure if that means they are doing well or worse.

Carol kisses her hard and long, until she steals her breath away and she can’t speak. It’s her will versus hers, and right now, Carol’s is stronger.

Maria reciprocates in full force, pushing against the blonde with a roughness foreign from her usual gentleness.

Maria’s hands seem to multiply and she feels them in her hair, palming breasts, and nails raking down her back, until her hands find her hips pulling them impossibly closer.

They fight it out with their mouths and hands. When Carol feels her relent, her tongue dominant in Maria’s scorching mouth, she moves to pull back, to check that this is really what she wants.

She doesn’t get to pause though.

Instead, Maria surprises her and shoves _her_ towards the desk. The back of her thighs hit the smooth wooden surface and now Maria looms over her, and it’s Carol that is now prey to Maria’s dominance. The blonde may well have started this battle, but Maria intends on finishing it.

She kisses Carol roughly, all teeth and jaw, a punishment alone in the way the bruising kiss owns her breath. Maria moves to her neck, her collarbone; her tongue flicking the spot right under her ear that she knows makes her wet.

She can feel the anger rolling off Maria in waves, and more than that, in the way she licks, nips and sucks possessively at her neck; leaving territorial marks on her skin.

Eventually the anger subsides.

Even this furious with the blonde, Maria still backs up and checks honey brown orbs, pauses and makes sure some semblance of them both is okay. It’s so gentle an action in this whirlwind of wildfire, it breaks the blonde’s heart. It’s a moment of serenity in a war of emotions.

While they breathe heavily and stare into each other’s eyes, desire is still clear but something else is there, something hopeful in the flames of their irises.

“I feel everything when I am with you.” Maria admits.

Carol cups her face but her hand is rejected; and unlike normal, Maria captures her wrists and arrests them behind Carol’s back.

She’s not sure where it’s heading but her body reacts before her brain, and something between a sigh and moan escapes her lips.

However, her head does catch up, and she does just about manage to formulate speech.

“Let me in, let me love you.” Carol begs.

Maria’s eyes never leave hers as her mouth begins a torturously slow journey down her body. Her ever-dark eyes never falter from her own, as Maria’s mouth captures a straining nipple. It’s over the thin fabric of her blouse and somehow it makes it more erotic.

Another moan escapes and her eyes instinctively close. Immediately, punishingly, the pressure around her breast disappears.

“Look at me.” Maria commands.

It’s said softly and simultaneously in a tone that tells Carol, Maria is very much in charge, and this is a part of her penance.

She follows instructions and Maria continues.

A delicate finger runs along the buttons of the blonde’s blouse, effectively popping each one open.  

Carol watches plump lips kiss and peck at the exposed areas of skin down her body. Carol bites her lips when Maria reaches the sensitive area on her stomach which sends jolts straight to her core.

Carol’s hands are still behind her back and she aches to reach out.

Maria slowly sinks to her knees in front of her; and the blonde cannot contain the moan which involuntarily rumbles from her inner depths.

Although Maria is the one on her knees, it is Carol who is submitting to her will. The role reversal is both dizzying and electrifying. This isn’t the way they usually love, and it feels somewhere between loving and fucking.

Soft hands snake their way up her thighs and back down again but with her pants following. Again, Maria’s lips follow the same route, and then her sizzling tongue, which suddenly makes Carol’s powers feel as hot as a New York winter.

Each movement pulls out moans and groans from the blonde; and sounds she didn’t know she could make.

The alcohol’s buzz and the distant sounds of the party add a touch of excitement to the air. In the past, they had never been adventurous in this way, but neither can deny the thrill of potentially being caught.

The turn of events leaves her head spinning and heat pooling between her legs.

When Maria cups her over her underwear, she can scarcely believe she can still stand up.

Finally, she sits back onto Maria’s desk.

Over her underwear, Maria’s mouth follows suit, and again, instinctively Carol’s eyes shut, only to be reprimanded with lost friction.

“Carol, I said look at me.” She whispers so gently, it sounds like a prayer.

Honey brown meets mahogany brown.

Maria pauses before making her next move; to settle them deeper into their reversed roles after this paradigm shift.

An anticipation builds as they simply gaze at one another, Maria on her knees and Carol on the back foot.

Agonizingly slowly, Maria shifts her underwear aside and swiftly her hot mouth lands on the bundle of nerves at her centre.

Carol balls her fists behind her to refrain from squirming and reaching out.

Maria kisses her softly, choosing to torture Carol in delightfully pleasant ways. The softness of Maria’s touch is such a stark contrast to the anger of before, and Carol doesn’t know what that means.

A wet tongue licks along the length of her and she can feel herself leaking, painting the canvas of Maria’s face with her arousal.

When Maria swallows deliberately slowly, with her hooded gaze still fixated on Carol; the blonde collapses back onto her elbows. She grips onto her thighs and takes Carol’s loud, _very_ loud, sigh as motivation. She picks up pace and the blonde’s calls pick up volume.

Her tongue works in ways Carol is sure should _not_ be legal; swirling, jabbing, flicking.

It’s been nearly 2 years since Maria has touched her, and suddenly those 2 years feel like 50.

The vibrations of Maria’s own moans against her centre have her lungs burning for air because between the short gasps and groans, she’s running out of oxygen.

She grinds herself against Maria as she’s guided closer to bliss.

It’s an embarrassingly short amount of time for her to already be so close to exploding, but she’s never experienced anything like this. Something akin to destruction by a meteor shower. Something dancing between heaven and hell.

The aching of her core becomes nearly unbearable, and water leaks from the corner of her eyes, because after months of feeling only pain, guilt and a simmering rage; Maria resurrects her body.

She is unable to hold off any longer and smashes beyond her breaking point. She comes undone with a cry so loud it’s almost definitely carried to the party outside.

Her release is hard and in waves like she’s been catapulted into another dimension; one in which Maria is king, queen, emperor and everything in the empyrean kingdom.

Maria’s lips are glued to her, still swiping her tongue, guiding her lover home again.

It takes a while for Carol to come back to herself because at some point her eyes rolled into the back of her head. In the darkness behind her eyes, she swears she can see stars, smell the fiery scent of space and the ear-popping drone of flying.

It takes even longer for the blonde to register Maria’s voice.

“Carol…”

“You’re…”

“Fire…”

“I know,” she sighs, agreeing without really understanding the words.

Maria shakes her then and her brain finally assembles the words together.

“Carol you’re on fire!”

Sure enough, she’s burnt through the wooden desk and a little smoke singes from the position her hands were resting.

Before either woman can process anything, the entire building’s fire alarm sounds, followed by sprinklers seconds later.

The cold water raining down on them is completely sobering, and both women are confused and disoriented, unsure of what has just happened.

Maria’s forehead rests against the desk, body closed in on itself.

The blonde gets off the desk, slightly wobbling and tries to straighten her clothes despite the water ruining them.

Carol doesn’t need to look in Maria’s eyes to see that this has changed everything. This is breaking point, and after this moment, they will either be fused together or be broken apart.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boop, let me know your thoughts on the power dynamics here! Hopefully it translated like I meant it to :)


	32. Never Our Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the explosion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been writing my dissertation also eeek! Not as much as usual, nut hopefully you'll like the direction of things.

** Never Our Time **

After the ordeal with the fire alarm, and a scolding from a very cross Nick Fury; Maria and Carol are sent home like a pair of misbehaving teenagers. In any other instance, Carol would have found the entire situation extremely funny. The party ending early under the fire department’s instructions because the pair got a little carried away, is hilarious, until it isn’t.

Carol can find little joy in the situation because as Maria drives them home in complete silence, her eyes remain fixated on the road ahead. She hasn’t met her eye properly since their rendezvous ended so abruptly. Her mind conjures up a million and one thoughts analysing everything. The blonde’s earlier confidence has withered away and in it’s place a growing anxiety that has her mouth clamped shut. This uncertainty between the two of them is completely unchartered territory.

Confronting Maria had been a spur of the moment, alcohol and jealousy fuelled action. Carol hadn’t expected anything at all, let alone what actually occurred. Whatever their tryst attempted to fix hadn’t achieved any good. Carol started it, all aggression and anger, and Maria ended it with her own dominance in soft caresses and gentle commands. The powerplay between them was an attempt for some individual power, in the drowning feeling of their powerless relationship.

Carol steals a glance out of the corner of her eye and notices that Maria looks shell-shocked more than anything else. There’s a look behind her deep contemplation which is difficult to distinguish. She’s seemingly so lost in her thoughts, that Carol wonders if she even remembers that the blonde is there.     

The journey home, although a short distance, seems to last eons. When they do pull up to the yard, they sit silently for almost 10 minutes. They are exhausted from their physical activities and maybe more so from the emotional toll of the ongoing war between them.

Eventually, Carol bites the bullet and addresses the strange rift between them.

“You couldn’t say it.” Carol croaks out, voice still hoarse from her earlier rampage.

It hangs between them a moment.

She doesn’t need to elaborate; Maria knows exactly what she couldn’t say.

_‘Look me in the eye and tell me you never want to see me again.’_

“You’re our family, I could never say it.” She says, still staring out into the darkness.

“That could be it…”

They are forever linked by Monica, but Carol knows they bound by more than the child they raised together.

“… but maybe it’s because a part of you still wants me.”

Maria lets out a soft breath that is resigned and weary. Her sigh is a signal of the end of a deliberate effort and the beginning of passive deterioration. It’s a sigh so quiet that it would have gone unnoticed had the blonde not been paying rapt attention. Its sound and movement dissipates out into the coldness of the space between them, intended to have no effect at all. Yet, Carol recognises it as a pivotal turning point, the point signalling the end of Maria’s war. The results of that war are still elusive to the blonde.

Maria is tired of the fight and Carol sees the effects of all the turmoil of the past decade. In Maria’s being there are the unhealed wounds of lost life, the scars of lost love; and the damaged organs of a lost war.

“A part of me will always want you, and I don’t know if I’ll ever truly know what to do when it comes to you. I’m stuck in a constant state of not wanting… and yet, wanting.”

She can hear the words Maria isn’t saying; she wants to give up on them.

Carol swallows the lump in her throat and closes her eyes to will away the heavy tears threatening to spill.

“So, this is it then, it’s – I, ~~we~~ , _you’re_ done?”

It’s both a statement and a question.

Maria won’t look at her, she simply breathes jaggedly through her nose and faces the sky, willing her own tears away. The water which leaks out silently from the corners of Maria’s eyes are all the confirmation Carol needs.

It is only now, Carol can finally hear what Maria has been saying; Carol loves her deeply, but she doesn’t know how to care for her. She has tried, and although she will never stop holding a flame for Maria, she knows they cannot continue like they have; with Carol plastering together the shattered shards of their relationship.

Silence gathers again as they both allow the implications of their end settle.

In the stillness, the blonde’s mind wanders to a place she has been content in never unearthing; up until this point. At the end of her and Maria, she remembers her own beginning; memories of her parents bombard her consciousness.

She has limited memories of her family together, her mother left when she wasn’t much older than when Monica lost her. Carol recalls her earliest years were pleasant; her father doting and desperately in love with her mother. It wasn’t until after her mother left that the monster he became was born.

“You know, I don’t remember much about my mother, I just know I looked like her. When I was a teenager, I got it into my head that because I looked like her, I was fated to be like her. It didn’t help that my father’s favourite insult was, ‘you’re exactly like your mother, selfish and unlovable.’” Carol reveals, her thoughts streaming out unrestrained.

Her father’s violent tantrums were fast and unpredictable. There was no winding up period, no warning. They were full force from the very beginning; like a bomb with no fuse, just an instant explosion. But unlike such a blast he would go on for some time, sustained in his rage. Then afterward he would justify it, excuse it and generally blame it on Carol or her absent mother. Heartbreak had turned her father into an unrecognizable creature. Her earlier rage had been something reminiscent of the father that fucked her up, and it’s that which haunts her now.

“Carol, that isn’t true, you’re the most selfless person I know… and I loved you, and many more people have loved you. You are nothing like that woman.”

 _Loved_. Carol doesn’t miss the change in tense which Maria uses, and it’s like a knife to the chest. To make things worse, Carol is also aware that in the time she has been home, all 371 days, Maria has not once uttered the three-word love declaration.

“I don’t know, despite not wanting to be like her, I did the same things she did. I left the one person to ever truly love me, I left my daughter.”

Maria’s mouth opens and closes but no words come.

“I didn’t believe I’d ever settle down because even a family wasn’t enough to make my mom stay. So, like you well know, there was; Heather, Karen, Amanda, Viola, Scarlett… more women than I can count.” Carol admits shamefully.

Maria watches her intently, trying to decipher the reasons behind her sudden dredging up of a long-forgotten past.

“I hopped from one woman to the next, never intending on staying… You changed _everything_. The emptiness I felt my whole life disappeared with you. Suddenly, instead of running away I was sprinting towards you. Instead of wanting to leave, I wanted to stay, staring up at the night sky with you arguing over who the better pilot was…”

Carol brushes Maria’s cheek affectionately. In the action she catches her bottom lip wobble in attempt at preventing the sobs which may escape.

“…You have always been the better pilot, and always been my better half.” She whispers lightly at first but more gravely in the end.

Maria huffs out a laugh, despite her tears.

Carol takes her soft hand and waits to meet her dark eyes.

“Tonight, I behaved like the monster my father was, screaming at you like it was your fault that _I_ ruined us. Somehow, I thought that because I had successfully kept my parents out my mind all these years, they could no longer affect me. Yet, here I stand today, Marie and Joseph Danvers’ daughter completely.”

Ignoring her past had done no good, because now she’s lost Maria, the best thing to ever happen to her.

“You are not your parents and you are not what they did to you. Yes, they are a part of your story, but everything you are, all that good, that is because of you.” Maria responds sincerely with a squeeze of their joint hands.

“Most of the good has a lot to do with you. _You_ taught me how to love. Before you, I never had anyone to show me what love was supposed to be. You taught me that love is respect, kindness, patience and sacrifice; the opposite of what I had seen growing up. With you, I tried harder than I ever did before. I salted bullet holes and mended my own wounds so you wouldn’t think I was damaged because I wasn’t, not with you. I stitched myself back together.”

“Carol…” She begins.

Carol can hear the consolation in the way she draws out the letters of her name, the way her voice tremors her name like an apology.

“…I’m sorry.” Maria pushes out in something between a sob and sharp breath.  

It takes a few seconds for her to decipher the meaning and intent of the words. There’s nothing she can say, nothing she can do; Maria is finished with her.

Carol searches the air for something else, anything else. Even though she was expecting it, gearing herself up for it the entire journey home; it still feels dark and cold like all the stars in the sky have gone out.

The blonde wants to protest, as with all the previous rejections she has faced, but she realises that perhaps the most loving thing she can do for Maria is to _step back_. Maria has suffered. The blonde knows she’s the cause of it, and no matter how intentional, she’s harmed her and continues to do so.

The year she has been home, although happy enough, her presence has caused their relationship to suffer in ways she never imagined. She’s seen a change in Maria, almost as if the woman in her memories has whittled away, and in her place a frightened half-version. She supposes that’s what Maria must see too, when she looks at Carol.

Instead of protestations, Carol kisses her warm hand in comfort because she knows Maria has tried just as hard as she has. Maria has tried to love Carol the way she wants, tried to forgive her but the pain she caused is too great.

The anger that had erupted from Carol before no longer pollutes her mind. Now she feels only the deepest sorrow watching Maria close in on herself as the cries shake her entire body.  

“Shh…”

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” She says, even though it is the furthest thing from it.

“Carol, I’m so sorry.”

It breaks her heart that it’s Maria who is apologizing because she knows it is also breaking Maria’s own heart.

Maria clutches onto Carol tightly like _she_ is the one that’s slipping away. The blonde holds her own tears back because one of them must be strong in this moment. Otherwise, it will destroy them both and spiral into something considerably worse.

“I want you to know that wherever I am, whatever happens, I’ll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I’d do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.” She whispers into Maria’s ear.

For a while it’s only Maria’s sobs and Carol’s hushing which can be heard. Although quiet, the sobs are gut-wrenching and there’s no missing the anguish in her cries.

“How can you be so good to me now?” Maria wonders pulling back a fraction.

“You have suffered at my hands as much as I’ve suffered from yours. I _should_ be able to forgive you, for the hurt, for the past, and yet I can’t.” She elaborates studying honey-brown orbs.

Carol musters up as much of her lopsided grin as she can; but she’s sure it looks closer to a grimace.

“I love you, I always will.” She responds simply.

“Even though it seems as if it’s _never our time_?”

Carol releases her own sigh, one which doesn’t signal a war given up, only a battle lost.

“It is always our time. We didn’t meet by accident, it was written in the stars before man even existed. If it hadn’t been training hall H 1984, it would have been a random grocery store or the space museum. My heart was intended for you.”

They rest their foreheads against one another, in the heightened emotions of heartbreak, it is strangely the most tranquil moment they have experienced in years. Simply breathing each other in; two souls made from the same fabric.

It’s Maria who kisses her softly goodbye. Their lips touch and it tastes of tears and heartbreak.

Carol finally breaks down into her own sobs once Maria leaves the car. She yells and shouts; the noises sounding hollow and aching. It's all she can do in such anguish. 

Their end is devastating in a way she could never have imagined. It is cold and lonely; and to come so close to pure love and lose it is something she knows she’ll never heal from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me.


	33. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to healing is painful but the reward is even greater.

**Forgiveness**

Carol cries for so long her eyes are bloodshot red. Once the first sob escaped, she couldn’t control the rest.

At some point, her communications device receives a message with the files from Chancellor Bishop for her next mission, and so she finally has to move inside and collect her things to prepare to leave.

As she reaches the front door, she hears shouting coming from inside. She pauses to distinguish the voice, and to her surprise it is Monica who yells ferociously.

“You can’t do this!”

When she opens door, she is met with Monica’s big brown eyes filled with rage in a way she’s never seen before.

There are a few beats of silence before anyone speaks.

 “You promised me you wouldn’t give up. I kept my end of the deal, you have to keep yours.” She spits at Carol through gritted teeth.

Carol meets Maria’s eyes, who looks as disappointed as Carol feels. Perhaps the worst thing about their entire situation is that it will also break Monica’s heart; their biggest supporter, their child.

“Monica – ” Carol begins but Monica is too enraged to even let her finish her sentence.

“If the next words out of your mouth aren’t ‘it’s not over.’ I don’t want to hear it!”

“I know you’ve rooted for us more than anyone but – but… it just isn’t our time.” Maria attempts to explain to the furious teen.  

“Mom, I’ve tried to stay out of it, whatever strange rift and war that’s going on between you two. So, I’m asking you to forgive her.” She pleads although her tone still holds a degree of anger.

When Maria doesn’t respond she tries again.

“Forgive her.” Monica demands in a tone which sounds dangerously close to an ultimatum.

“ _I_ am asking you to forgive her; not just for her, but for you too. You need to let go of all the pain you cling to.”

Her voice cracks in such a painful manner both women shudder in the aftermath.

Confronted with Monica’s heartbreak it is difficult for Carol to believe they have made the right decision. All she’s ever wanted is Maria’s love, and she realises that perhaps the key to Maria’s forgiveness lies with the child that is every bit the representation of their love. Monica is the fire of Carol’s heroism, she is the temple of Maria’s peace; and she is the best of them both.  

“I don’t _cling_ to my pain, it’s latched onto me so tightly I can’t shake it off no matter how hard I’ve tried...” Maria admits in the face of Monica’s accusation.

Carol remains quiet and watches the exchange, and she can already see that Monica’s words have unnerved Maria and she is beginning to unravel.

“Do you think I don’t _want_ the pain to go? Do you really believe I enjoy the nightmares I see, whether awake or dreaming; in which I relive the worst moment of my life?” 

Carol recalls the moment Maria speaks of; the last seconds of human Carol Danvers life. She can recall being up in the jet with Lawson and when things had started to go wrong. Carol had gone into fight of flight mode and made decisions to attempt to save her and Lawson’s lives. The entire time, Maria had been screaming over the comms completely helpless to save Carol. 

It’s behind Maria’s words that the blonde comes to a realisation she never could have imagined.

“You feel guilty.” She deduces.

Maria had to listen to Carol’s frightened voice as they crashed; she’d had to listen helplessly while her wife effectively died and finally Carol understands the conflict that has been behind mahogany orbs since 1995.

Maria’s eyes flicker to her before they avoid looking at everywhere but the two people who love her the most. She’s been called out on something they all know she would have kept secret until her grave.

Carol comes to stand by Monica’s side, whose expression has morphed into something heartbreakingly softer.

The pair stand in front of her within reach but allow her space for her to come to them.

“One day I lost my sun and stars. Things went from making sense to being incomprehensible. My world ended but the world forced me to carry on, even though I had a gap the size of a blackhole in my heart. There’s no way to wrap your head around that kind of pain and all the other emotions which come with it. All I know is that it has been _hell_ and maybe I shouldn’t have loved you that much, but I did.” She admits taking a step towards Carol.

“You did?” Monica voices the words which popped into the blonde’s mind.

Maria’s eyes drop but she doesn’t respond to the question.

Carol feels Monica sigh beside her, all embers of her fiery outburst extinguished. When Carol looks to her, she sees a daughter suffocated by her mothers’ pain.

“Mom, I know you hurt more than anyone. I remember all the nights you cried in the years Auntie Carol was gone, I know the first year was the hardest, and that you cried 77 nights in a row because you couldn’t bare to live without her. You _loved_ her with every cell of your body...”

The desolation Carol experiences at the revelation has her frozen. She never knew how bad things had been for them. There were glimpses and glossing over of the topic but now that Carol knows the full extent of the damage, she understands how they ended up here today.

There are a million things she wants to say; a hundred thousand apologies, another hundred thousand new promises and a plethora of variations of; ‘let me fix this’.

“…For that alone, you can’t continue to punish her for your pain; and you know she’ll continue to take any punishment you throw at her because she feels like she deserves it…”

Both women are shocked at the level of understanding Monica has of them. She makes valid points which no one can ignore, and they are stuck trying to process her truths.

“…Yes, she’s headstrong, stubborn and impulsive. More likely to throw a punch than talk rationally and she leaps based on gut feelings. Her dad, the Force, Yon-Rogg all tried to rein her in; but she is a cyclone, a force of nature no one can tame. No one except you. You can cut through her rage and sorrow like nothing at all. She looks at you like the sun rises and falls with you.”

Maria’s eyes meet Carol’s then. There’s a pull both women feel so strongly it’s a sensation there aren’t words to describe for it.

“When we moved here, you told me we couldn’t keep living in the past. I heard you and I listened because you were right. The past is gone, we can’t keep looking back when it’s not the direction we are moving in. Somehow, you got stuck there; stuck wondering if every time she walks out that door, will be the last time.”

Monica’s words are notions she may not want to hear but certainly words she needs to hear. The flames in her big bright eyes show that she is hell bound on coercing her mother to understand the stakes.

“You have gotten in your own way, you look at her, but you can’t see her. She’s not gone, she is right here mom. _Your_ Carol, my _Mama_.  The universe has been calling for Captain Marvel for longer than you know, and she’s done everything in her power to be _HERE_.”

Monica looks to Carol now, whose tears race down her face and the revelations have the air knocked out of her lungs, but she still has the strength to plead, especially when finally; things are starting to make sense.

“Maria, I’m right _here_ , standing in front of you and I am never leaving you again.” Carol whispers taking a tentative step towards Maria.

She looks like a frightened animal under the intensity of the moment.

“She will hold out hope for your forgiveness until her dying breath and then it will be too late. Either hold on to the pain or lose everything.” Monica adds.

It’s with her final statement Carol comprehends all the hurt and pain in its entirety. Maria lived six years alone, six years lost; _hell._ Carol flew away and again Maria was left with nothing but ghosts and memories. 371 days present is nothing in the faces of years alone, and it’s understandable that her heart is barricaded away by chain, lock and key.

Carol studies the terror in her expression and sees that this goddess has been feeling this way since the day of the crash.

“Three thousand two hundred and seventy-four days.” Carol says.

Although Monica is perplexed by her words, Maria understands completely.

3274 days Carol was gone in the past decade.

371 she has stayed, and it has felt like slow torture; so much so, she collapsed into a jealous rage. Now, she understands with clarity that this is exactly the loneliness which Maria felt all those days Carol was gone. Never knowing whether she would come back, despite all her wishing. Carol can only imagine the agony.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry. I left you, over and over and only now I understand the loneliness, the guilt, the pain… all of it.” She croaks out with tears clinging to her eyelashes.

Carol falls to her knees in complete surrender as it all sweeps through her like a harsh wind. She buries her face in Maria’s legs and sobs much like Maria did earlier. Eventually, she feels her warm and gentle hand rub up and down her back.

She doesn’t know how long they stay like that, it’s quite possibly hours, but it’s long enough that Monica disappears from the room.

Carol understands it all fully. The feeling of being abandoned, of not knowing whether the person you love will come back to you. She’s felt in full effect and it’s taken her a long time to learn, but the lesson has been received.

 _‘You do not leave the people you love._ ’ Maria’s words echo around her head and she is once again completely unravelled by the wrongs of the past.

When she feels splashes of tears fall on top of her head, she looks up to see all she has ever wanted in Maria’s eyes; _love and forgiveness_.

A slow smile spreads across Maria’s face as she extends one hand to her, bringing her up off her knees to face her. It is apparent that finally, after all this time, she now understands. Maria watched the awareness dawn on her, and never has _her_ Carol looked so broken. This doesn’t please her. It tears at her heart, but she knows it had to be done. And now that it is, now that she gets it, they can finally move on.

Maria pulls Carol into her arms. She kisses her cheek, her jaw, her temple, her lips.

All other emotions begin to fall away, except one. Love.

“I forgive you Carol.” Maria insists; with a hand on either side of her face and an intensity in her eyes she’s never experienced.

“How can you?” Carol wonders, despite all that has happened this evening.

“I’ve been deathly afraid of getting my heartbroken again. I thought it would be easier if it was somehow my _choice_. Not being with you in the way we are meant to be has been just as hard. Now that you understand, you must know I have never wanted to lose you. For so long I have remembered too much and you too little. The guilt and pain and blame has been ice in my guts. Even in a hundred degree heat, I've still been frozen on the inside. I couldn't melt it on my own, couldn’t shift it at all. Despite all your efforts, I kept you at arms length. Today has reminded me that you and Monica are the only ones that will thaw out the ice in my heart and allow my blood to run again. So, it’s with that I can let it all go.”

Her words are soft and her passion strong. There’s nothing held back anymore, and Maria bares herself naked for Carol to see; uninhibited, wild, free and fierce.

Relief floods through Carol as well as an overwhelming sense of happiness which makes her feel giddy and high at the same time.

Fear grows in Maria’s eyes and for a second the blonde is deathly afraid that she has changed her mind again. When she does voice the darkness in her eyes, it is something Carol never expected.

“Can you forgive me for where I was wrong too?” Maria asks, voice small.

“I forgive you, always and completely.”

It’s not that Carol believes Maria needs to be forgiven for anything. It’s more that she has seen the guilt she’s carried around and she knows Maria needs her words to allow her to forgive herself.

“I’m yours Maria; heart, body…” Carol takes her hand and brings it to her chest.

“…and soul.”

“Show me your soul.” She whispers to Carol.

The blonde doesn’t wait a second longer, her lips seek out Maria’s full ones. She pours everything into it and it’s unbelievable how different this kiss feels to all those before. There is forgiveness, reconciliation and promise mixed into each movement of their mouths. Their lips are the physical connection and a gateway to the joining of their souls. For the first time in a decade Carol and Maria feel whole.

It’s been an arduous journey and they have both been turned inside out by the devastation. It is only in the uncovering of the ruins have they been able to see the road for reconstruction. Carol knows that in nearly losing everything she has gained everything and only reinforced their connection. She thinks that perhaps she may have escaped the hero’s burden and just this once, she can have the moon, the stars and _her_ sun.  

“Maria, will you tell me you love me?” Carol begs when they finally separate.

She has never been able to match the feeling those three little words falling from Maria’s lips make her feel inside.

Maria lets out that amused chuckle Carol loves so much before the words come.

She looks deeply into honey-brown eyes, flickering from left to right so Carol can never again question their love.

“I love you.”

“Again.” She demands softly.

Maria doesn’t laugh as Carol expects, somehow she pours more passion into the decree.

“I…”

“Love…”

“You.”

“I didn’t catch that.”

This time Carol’s tone holds a playful lilt and her lips an affectionate smile.

“I love you Carol Danvers.” Maria says leaving no question about it.

“And I love you Maria Rambeau.”

Pure relief washes over her before they fall into each other again. Amidst the throws of passion and reinforced declarations of love, Carol thinks this is what it must be like to be baptized. Her sins are washed away in Maria’s gentle hands and she is reborn between her thighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm nearly finished with this story now. I may do another one based on Monica, if you have any ideas let me know!   
> Also big shout out to all the amazing, funny, outrageous comments! I've loved all the engagement and it has kept me writing... so thank you :) xx
> 
> Hopelesslygazingthestars <3


	34. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol finally learns to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last few chapters! Sorry it took so long but this dissertation has been on my NECKKKK!

**Goodbye**

The two lovers lay on a makeshift blanket beneath the sky, stargazing under the Louisiana heat. At some point after getting reacquainted intimately with one another, Carol dragged them outside to lay underneath the stars as they once did long ago.

“I believe you.”

It’s Maria’s voice which cuts through the vast space around them.

“What do you believe?” Carol says shifting so that she can lay down with her head resting on Maria’s lap and stare at the sky.

“We _are_ written in the stars... There is more life in me after all, and with you all I can feel is healing and power and love.” She reveals with a smile pulling at her eyes.

Feeling Maria’s fingers run through her hair, caressing lovingly, fills her spirit with a serenity she never thought she would feel.

Silence falls around them again, but not the uncomfortable silence that has dominated as of late; it is a languid stillness that surrounds them like an isolating bubble hiding them away from the rest of the world. It is in this quiet that Carol has eyes only for the woman above her.

It takes Maria a while to realize that Carol is staring up at her, instead of looking at the patches of stars between burgeoning clouds, in the perfect velvet night’s sky. Carol’s expression is one of pure adoration and when Maria catches her staring it stirs the familiar sensation of butterflies in her stomach, a feeling she has come to identify as love.

The two fall into each other’s gazes, and in the two shades of brown; there is no doubt that they are in love.

It is somewhere staring back at the love of her life that Carol gets bombarded with a lost memory. One of the most important memories she has recovered in a long time.

It was the night before her accident, something she hasn’t been able to recall since her past was stolen from her.

The blonde remembers with vivid clarity the events leading to a particular golden necklace; one she has worn every day since being gifted back from Maria. The golden initial engraved jewellery was not just a random gift of love. Carol recalls the weeks prior to the accident, where she perused store after store debating on purchasing a ring or necklace. In the end, the golden pendant called out to her.

The intention of the jewellery had been to ask Maria properly for a wedding-like ceremony. She recollects the dinner she made that night, an awful attempt at Maria’s grandmother’s jambalaya, and she remembers presenting the gift to Maria after.  

“You’re already my wife in every way the matters, but I’d like a ceremony to celebrate that. We deserve it, the rest of the world and their hateful judgements be damned.”

Maria had smiled and nodded. Although she would never admit it, even back then the other woman had been a hopeless romantic.

“With this necklace I hope it can be the physical representation of my promise to you. My promise of eternal love and an oath to never leave you despite all that may come to tear us apart.” She’d vowed passionately.

It was no wonder Maria could never find it within her to wear the necklace in the end; less than 24 hours later, Carol was declared dead.

The blonde allows the memory to settle in her mind before she says anything. It’s probably too soon to talk about forever again and yet the desperation to hold on to everything she thought was slipping away wins out over those thoughts.

“I’ve been thinking…” she begins, drawing Maria’s attention from the sky.

“Oh no, Carol Danvers… _thinking_. The world must be ending.” Maria jests lightly, poking Carol affectionately on the nose.

“Ha-ha. You know, I have been known to do that from time to time.”

The dark skin woman looks down at her softly and an encouraging smile pulling at her lips. However, it’s the demand of honesty in her mahogany eyes which emboldens Carol to continue.

“We never had that ceremony we talked about.” She reveals, her voice less confident than she wanted.

Maria hums in response as she studies Carol’s face and the way she sub-consciously fiddles with the pendant around her neck.

Maria is quiet a moment, and allows the memory she had clearly locked away, come to the forefront of her mind.  

“No, we didn’t.” She settles on.

“Would you still want to?” Carol wonders, seeing the gravely serious expression which has settled itself across Maria’s features.

Maria hesitates and Carol cannot help the immediate anxiety which shoots through her. Her lover sees this and takes her hand between her own and raises it to her lips.

“The next time I see you Danvers, we’ll talk about a ceremony.” She vows with a kiss to her lips.

When her communications device goes off for the third time that night, they both know she has to leave.

Carol very nearly trashes the device, the rest of the universe be damned. She finally has everything she’s ever wanted, and once again, she is being torn away.

“What if I throw it away and give up the mantle of Captain Marvel…” She says staring down at the device in her hands.

“… we can take Monica, Fury, Goose and move…” she continues looking back up at Maria.

“… to some remote planet on the other side of the galaxy…” Maria adds with a smile both happy and sad; one with a twist to it, like that of a child determined not to weep.

“…live on an alien farm and raise a football team of babies, never to be bothered again.” Carol finishes the joking fantasy.

“If you think babies mean we will never be bother again, you have forgotten all about baby Monica.”

She remembers fondly the difficult baby Monica had been, screaming only for Maria or Carol and detesting everyone else.

“I’d do anything to go back to that time, even just to have one more day of it; diarrhoea diapers, biting, thirty-minute tantrums and all.”

Although both women chuckle, it is tinged with melancholy. The time ran out too quickly and the universe stole away just as much as it gave.

Maria notices the laugh fade from Carol’s features quickly as she looks back to the comms device.

“Let me go say goodbye to Spectrum.”

She finds the teenager in her room flicking through her favourite book on the stars. Carol knocks softly before entering.

When Monica looks up, the largest shit-eating grin spreads across her face. The girl might not be her own biologically, but she is every bit her daughter.

 “Thank you, Monica.” Carol says as her own smile develops.

“Someone had to do something… you two idiots were threatening to break-up my family.” She responds, not holding back any of her cockiness.

The teenager is positively beaming. She has every right to be; Monica saved them. Just as she was before, once again, she has been the fire to forge the glass of their new, precious and strengthened relationship. Thankfully, Carol will never have to find out if she could have saved them on her own.

“Lesson 1: you will not always have the answers, sometimes it takes a little push and a little trust to do the right thing.” Carol says.

“That’s not it, lesson 1 is – ”

“No, this is a lesson for me; from you to me.” Carol elaborates.

Monica’s smugness disappears quickly; something far kinder and incredibly touching replaces it. Carol knows Monica works tirelessly to be the hero she sees Carol and her mother are, and in this moment; her heroes are her equals.

“Always follow your gut Spectrum, your intuition is your gift.” Carol says finally, opening up her arms to the teenager.

Surprisingly, the teenager jumps off her bed and runs towards her in a fashion somewhat reminiscent of the kid she once was. Carol holds onto her tightly because she knows it may well be the last time she will see the spirit of the baby she knew. However, it is not sadness that forces a tear to slip; Carol has not only watched but also helped raise the phenomenal woman her daughter is quickly becoming. For that, there is only joy.

Something in the way Monica clings onto her tells the blonde, that despite Monica’s encouragement to leave; naturally, the teenager still has an anxiety about Carol’s departure. Every time Carol has left since she was six years old, years have passed by before they have reunited again. Carol would sooner give up her powers than to let that happen again. Therefore, she does her best to quell those fears in her big brown eyes.

“I know I’ve got work to do but I’m not going to let it be years again. I’ll be home in a few months. I promise to call you every day, and you can message me whenever; even if it’s just to tell me what new gossip there is at school.”

When she pulls back to look at Monica, her eyes are watery with unshed tears.

“Look after your Mom… and who knows, maybe next time we can go on a family vacation to The Maria Cascade. Afterall, there is an entire _planet_ of people waiting to meet the infamous Monica Rambeau; NOLA harbour patrol’s finest cadet and earth’s future mightiest hero.” She adds, wiping away at the tears which escape.

“Really?” She asks, with that dimpled awestruck smile Carol adores so much.

“Fuck yeah…”

“… don’t tell your Mom I said that.” She whispers conspiratorially.

They embrace a last time before Carol moves to leave. Yet, before she can shut the door, Monica calls out for a last time.

“Mama?”

This time she knows it’s been said intentionally. It’s as touching as the first time she said it, earlier in the day, and Carol wants to cry all over again.

Carol knows doesn’t deserve this little family, but she thanks whatever gods have allowed it to be so; and she pledges to them all that she will never again take them for granted.

“Yeah kid?” She says glancing over her shoulder.

“Look after yourself and come back to us. We need you.”

Although she always knew they needed her, it’s the first time Monica has ever actually voiced it to her. It fills her heart with insurmountable joy.

She can’t leave without one more hug, and she pulls the afro-haired girl in once more.

Carol meets Maria back in the yard, and she approaches apprehensively, dreading her departure.

There is a contemplative frown across Maria’s forehead and when they meet eyes Carol sees a question in them.

_Are you coming back?_

Although all has been forgiven, they both fear her departure.

“I never want to stay away from my girls again, so I won’t.” The blonde voices passionately, leaving no doubt regarding her sincerity.

In response, Maria does the unexpected, and it is her who encourages her to go this time.

“I’ll always be here waiting, it’s ok, you should go, _Captain Marvel_.” She says reading the question in Carol’s eyes.

The blonde sighs deeply but it’s also a release of her fears. Maria, as always; stands as her centre and gravity.

“I still don’t know how to say goodbye to you.” Carol admits, echoing the words of 1995.

It’s ironic that before she even consciously knew the extent of her love for Maria, the words to leave always fazed her.

“Try.” Maria requests softly.

“How can I say it?”

Maria smiles despite the tears which gather.

“In the only one way I’d accept…”

Maria pulls her by the collar of her suit, her impossibly dark eyes flickering from her own honey brown orbs to her lips.

“… say it like you’re going to come _back_.” She breathes into a final chaste kiss.

The heavens open into a sudden torrential Louisiana rainstorm the moment their lips meet, as if the God of Thunder himself is cheering them on.

The downpour of water drums down so hard as if it is meant to break them apart but their mouths remain together as a rebellion against the elements. They are bound in a kiss so tender the world should stop on its axis and take note. Carol smiles, and glances to the sky that promises more, the hammering on the roofs sounding more like a round of applause for their love.

Eventually, the rain softens as if waiting for a command from the pair.

When they pull apart, Carol straightens up a little, pushes her wet hair away, tightens her suit and holds her chin up with the most endearing smile she can manage. Despite the pain beneath the surface, she stands tall, every bit the hero the universe whispers about.

“Well then,” she says, clearing her throat.

“See you around, Captain Rambeau… higher, further, faster, baby.”

 _“I love you.”_ They declare in hushed whispers before Carol glows and ascends into the sky.  

Carol ascends in a flash, feeling for the first time as if she doesn’t have the entire weight of the universe crushing down upon her chest. She can finally breathe freely.

A little way in the sky, Carol pauses to look back at her little family before she goes forward in her mission, ignited with the knowledge that for Carol Danvers and Maria Rambeau, it will _always_ be their time.


	35. What Makes A Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A ceremony between Carol and Maria brings about unexpected hope.

**Family**

After a year of upheld promises, comes the day of Carol and Maria’s wedding ceremony. Carol came back every few months, calling almost every day and making every possible occasion. In the end, Maria agreed to the ceremony as a declaration of their love.

However, it wouldn’t be Carol Danvers if she wasn’t late to her own wedding. Had she been alone, she is _almost_ certain she would have made it on time. Piloting a starship with Talos, Soren and their daughter, Veranke; may have delayed them a day. Instead of arriving the day of the rehearsal, they are set to arrive on the day of the wedding.

“Maybe I should just go with C-53 traditional vows, you know; the for richer for poorer schtick.” Carol says as she chucks her thousandth attempt at vows away.

“I quite like what you had just now; the ‘you light up my sky’ bit is…cute?” Talos responds.

“I wouldn’t listen to him, I very nearly didn’t marry him because of his vows. Carol, just speak from the heart and everything else will fall in place.” Soren encourages.

“Monica said where are we, her Grandma is getting impatient.” Veranke interrupts.

“If we had left when I said, we wouldn’t be in such a frantic rush to get there.” Carol says to Talos, just as they enter earth airspace.

“Come child, the past is the past. You’ve got a huge day ahead of you. Besides, what’s a wedding without the stress of being late, badly written vows… and potentially losing your bride.” He quips in his characteristic smart mouthed way, before earning a reprimanding look from Soren.

“You know walking me down the aisle doesn’t make you my _actual_ father, right?” Carol says rolling her eyes.

Within 10 minutes, they finally land and from that moment on, it really is a frantic mess.

“Mama, you’re late and Grandma is on a warpath, you’ve got to hurry.” Monica says, greeting her briefly before ushering her into a changing room.

Yet, before she can sneak into the room, Mama Celestine Dubois appears in the hallway. Coincidentally, or not, at that same time, Monica swiftly disappears.

“Dwight have you seen what your daughter has done to her dress... this is why you need to whoop these kids, y’all don’t know nothin’ about discipline. We used get WHOOPED back in my day…”

“Yes Mama.” He responds, after animatedly mouthing out the rest of her words; clearly having been scolded in this way dozens of time before.  

“Carol!” She says finally noticing her.

“Good luck.” Dwight whispers before disappearing in the same direction as Monica.

Mama Tina ushers her, with surprising force for a woman of her age and size, and all but manhandles her into her dressing room.

“You’re late.” There’s a sternness to Mama Tina’s voice which Carol hasn’t heard since before the accident.

Suddenly, she’s afraid that she’s undone everything and the older woman, who she has become very close with, has changed her mind on her suitability for her daughter.

“I,I,I – ” Carol stammers uselessly.

Yet, when she looks up she doesn’t see hardness in her black eyes, instead she see’s an amused twinkle; and finally Carol can let out a breath.

“You’re here now, that’s all that matters.” She adds.

“This is why we should have had the ceremony on another planet like I suggested.” Carol jokes.

“You know good and well hell, my black ass got enough problems down here on Earth, I don’t need to go to no Mars when you could be right here instead. Don’t think Monica ain’t tell me about your lil’ trip to space, heard Dwayne and Maxine threw up the entire way there…”

For the summer vacation, Carol had taken the family to The Maria Cascade and only Maria, Monica and Cora stomached it well. Entering air space had made Maxine and Dwayne take a turn for the worst; so much so, they vowed they wouldn’t leave earth again. It had been extremely comical at the time, considering it was Dwayne that bragged about how easy going into space would be.

“…Besides, I have no idea what God’s exist out there. It’s important to Maria that your ceremony is done in front of the God of this world, just like everybody else, even if the government refuses to recognise your love.”  

Maria and Maxine had planned virtually the entire thing with limited input from Carol. However, having it on earth had been a strong point for Maria, to show the world they would have their piece despite their rules on love. Carol knew it was likely an emotional response to the years in the military, in which they lived in hiding. They were never able to express or even utter a word about their love, in fear of losing their livelihoods. This was Maria’s _fuck you_ to the institution that had taken more than it had given to her.  

When Mama Tina presents her USAF formal military uniform with her wings, it suddenly feels very wrong for her to wear the blue suit.

“What’s wrong?” Mama Tina asks, noticing the look on her face.

“This represents someone I’m not anymore… it brings back more pain than joy. The woman that loved this uniform died.” Carol reveals running her fingers over the fabric of her wings.

“Then don’t wear it. You could be in a trash bag and my daughter would still marry you.”  

Carol doesn’t stop the smile which spreads across her face.

“I do have one suggestion though...”

The older woman tugs at Captain Marvel’s suit, straightening it and dusting off space debris.

“This suit, that’s who you are now. But you can’t forget the you who was sacrificed for this Carol to be born.” Mama Tina says, handing her a small gift box from her pocket.

Inside the box lay her old dog tags, newly forged and not the ones which had been recovered from the accident.

“I had them replicated for you. I had a feelin’ you’d one day be needin’ them... call it a mother’s intuition.” She reveals with a kind smile on her face.

Carol is touched beyond belief. She always knew it was an incredible woman that raised the woman she loves, but it’s only now she can truly appreciate exactly why Maria turned out the way she did. She was her mother’s daughter. Even though Carol never really had a mother or felt a mother’s love, the way Celestine Dubois has adopted her as is unbelievable and has helped heal so many wounds from her childhood.  

“Thank you, Mama.”  

 _‘You didn’t have a family, so we became your family.’_ Monica’s words echo through her mind and it’s only now she realises that this is her family more than her first one ever was. In spite of everything, in the end, the Dubois’s found love in their hearts for her.

“I do have one request of you though dear. Maria didn’t want me to make a fuss of it but it’s very important to me.” The older woman reveals with an unexpected coyness to her.  

“Anything.”

“I hope you and Maria could jump the broom. It’s a longstanding tradition in our family. Richard and I, our parents and our ancestors all did it. The slaves were not allowed to marry and jumping the broom was the only way they could show their union. Much like now, I feel it’s only fitting the tradition continue with you. Would you allow an old woman this?”

“Yes. A million times yes. I’ve already been attending the Monica Rambeau school of the electric slide for the past two weeks… you’re my family Mama Tina, the only one that’s ever loved and accepted me. I would be honoured to jump the broom.”  

The smile which spreads across Mama Tina’s features says it all.

After, the older woman focuses on applying Carol’s makeup and hair. After an appropriate colour change to her suit, soon enough; Carol is all but ready to go and _marry_ the love of her life.

After appreciating the look, before either woman can say anything else, a knock sounds.

The last person Carol thought would come to speak to her, stands on the other side of the door. Frank Rambeau looks to her with a warm expression, one he has never _ever_ reserved for her.

“Grandma, Uncle Fury is already opening the Jesus juice!” One of the Dubois descendants calls out skipping past behind Frank.  

“Now what did I tell that man, if he keeps testin’ me, he’s gon lose that other eye...”

“Mama, you can’t threaten to beat everybody –” Maxine says appearing to escort her mother.

“Maxine, I am the mother of the brides, I will threaten to _AND_ actually beat anyone I like. You ain’t too old to catch these hands little girl. Now, what’s this I hear about Fury...” Mama Tina murmurs, as she excuses herself to deal with whatever commotion is ensuing.

Frank and Carol are left alone and the usual dislike radiating from both their energies seems to be at bay.  

Frank clears his throat before speaking.

“Carol, I just wanted to say. I’m truly sorry for the past and wish you and Maria all the best. You were made for each other and I think I knew that even before all this. I could never fulfil her like you. It’s not you who should have been afraid that you couldn’t give her the life she deserved… it was me. That’s part of why I left and I – uh –”

His voice breaks and Carol isn’t sure what to do. They aren’t close and never have been. Always been more like water and oil but there’s something about seeing him so _human_ that makes her want to let go of all past transgressions.

“…I just want to thank you for never poisoning my daughter or Maria against me, despite all I did. You were kind when you didn’t have to be. I understand what Maria saw in you that she didn’t see in me.” He reveals more earnestly than she has ever seen him.

Just as he has done the unexpected, Carol follows in good faith. She opens her arms up to him and somewhere in their semi-awkward embrace, there is forgiveness.

“Thank you, Frank.” She says as he leaves.

Standing alone and processing all that has happened, it is clear more than ever; blood is not what makes a family. 


	36. Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol experiences the unfamiliar emotions of doubt before the big moment.

**Doubt**

It’s 10 minutes before the ceremony is set to start and yet Carol can’t shake the firestorm of butterflies which seem to reside in her stomach. She has the desperate urge to see Maria before everything, and although she knows she should wait, she still attempts to convince Monica to sneak her into Maria’s room.

“Monica please, just for two minutes.” She pleads.

“I’m going to need a little more than that. I’ve been a stellar sidekick and maid of honor to you.” She says not budging.

Neither her nor Monica are willing to face the wrath of Celestine Dubois by going against tradition, without something in return.

Carol and Monica engage in a stare-down and its eerie just how similar she is to Maria in that moment. Carol’s starting to regret all the times she said yes to everything she wanted as a kid, because as it turns out, it has backfired on her.

“Fine. Fine. What’s your price?” Carol relents.

A victorious smirk settles itself on one side of the teenagers face.

“I want my own starship.” She says without faltering even a little.

“YOU WANT A WHAT?!” She shouts before catching herself, trying to keep it down before the pair are caught.

“Hell no.”

Monica takes the key in her hand and places it back in her pocket, feigning a failed deal. Seconds go by, that somehow feel like minutes; and Monica flashes her the puppy dog eyes, and that is all it takes.

“Okay, wait, wait.”

When she turns around with that cheeky grin on her face, Monica knows she’s won.

“God, it’s not like I changed your diapers, taught you how to read or write or anything.”

“I gave you my terms Mama. It’s up to you whether you want to accept.”

Carol growls but nods, as Monica holds out the key to her. Carol takes the key and follows Monica into the hidden side entrance to Maria’s changing quarters.

“But… you don’t get the starship until the universal piloting age.” Carol says, with the same charm Monica just used on her.   

“When’s that?”

“Find out for yourself.” Carol quips before taking the opportunity to sneak into the room.

When she enters the room, Maria is sat at her mirror with her back to where Carol stands. The sense of relief that rushes through the blonde, would almost make it hard to believe that they had ever been years apart when a few months could wind her up this tightly.

“Order for one dashing bride.” Carol announces her presence.

“No, no, no, no. Get out before Mama finds you, or else this entire thing will be called off. If you’ve seen her today, you’ll know she’s not in a joking mood.” Maria responds hurriedly hiding behind a changing screen.

“Oh, I have a feeling I have all the Dubois women charmed. Mama Tina, just might be my number one fan right now.” Carol says, amused that everyone else but her has received a hard time from Mama Tina.

“Carol, Shut your eyes!” She reprimands the blonde who tries to pivot around her screen.  

“Oh, come on baby, the rule is that it’s bad luck for the _groom_ to see the bride before the wedding. A little preview won’t do any harm.” She says chasing the other woman to no avail.

“Danvers, I swear if you do not get away from me, I will scream bloody murder.”

She stops immediately then. She does not want to test the theory of whether she is Mama Tina’s favourite just yet.

“Ok, ok, I guess I can wait a little longer… I promise I’ve got my eyes shut.” She retreats turning to face the door and closing her eyes.

“Promise?”

Carol hears rustling behind and even with her eyes shut she knows Maria peaking to make sure.

“What are you doing in here, Carol?” Maria asks when she’s sure Carol won’t try and peak again.

“I’ve missed you a lot… missed holding you, kissing you, touching you…” She says unable to keep the shameless flirting out of her voice.

“What are you _really_ doing in here?” Maria asks able to read her like a book.  

“I have missed you unbearably. Weeks and weeks of searching for Deathbird have been mind-numbingly boring and all I’ve wanted to do is be with you.” She reveals.

“And?” Maria asks sensing that’s not the whole truth.

“I know today doesn’t change the way we feel about each other, it’s just – I don’t know. I feel drunk with giddiness. Like I could fly into a different dimension or something.” Carol elaborates.  

Maria lets out her tinkling laugh and it’s all she’s yearned to hear in the past two months.

“You’re so excited that you really couldn’t wait ten more minutes?”

Carol is astounded that Maria could even think she would be calm for this. Today was set to be the greatest day of her life, except Monica’s birth and the day of their reconciliation months ago.  

“It felt like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest, before our daughter conned me and snuck me in.”

“Oh god, what have you promised her now.” Maria groans but Carol can hear the smile in her tone.

“Nothing too major… you know, just a s$%@...” Carol says garbling the last word, the most important part of the sentence.

“Carol.”

“The little demon asked for a starship, her _own_ starship.” Carol reveals, suddenly wanting to escape the room.

“And you couldn’t just lie, or say no?”

“She gave me the eyes.” Carol reveals, drawing another laugh out of the woman on the other side of the room.   

A quiet settles between them, and even though she can’t see Maria, she can sense her nervousness.

“Were you afraid I wasn’t going to come?” Carol wonders.

The blonde doesn’t leave a pause for Maria to answer before babbling on in her own nervousness.

“It’s ok if you were, a year doesn’t make up for my track record. I left you, I abandoned you, I did all the things to show someone you don’t care about them, but I do, I care so much and, and my biological family isn’t like yours. Knowing the way they are, I just really, _really_ don’t want to mess things up. Our marriage, our future, I don’t want –”

She’s so caught up in her words she doesn’t hear Maria edge closer to her, until she feels her body settle behind her, effectively shutting her up.

“Don’t move.” Maria purrs in that low-tone that always makes Carol’s knees want to buckle.

Maria plants a few deliberately tortuously slow kisses to her neck. Carol is desperate to turn around, capture her lips in her own and maybe, just maybe have her way with her then and there.  

“No, no. That’s not fair.” She whines trying to seek out Maria’s lips with her own.

“You’re the one who chose to come in here.”

“That was before I knew you were going to torture me for breaking the rules.”

Maria’s full lips pepper kisses along the column of her neck and up her jaw, and Carol very nearly gives up restrain when she feels a sizzling hot tongue trace the spot Maria knows makes her weak.

“Captain Rambeau, do _not_ start something you can’t finish.” Carol warns, finally feeling Maria’s full lips on her own.

“We both know I could definitely _finish_ this.” Maria whispers, pulling back.

The loss of contact is sorely felt, and Carol’s completely rethinking her idea of sneaking in.

Once Maria is back behind the changing screen, she addresses Carol’s earlier spiralling thoughts.

“You might doubt yourself Carol, but I don’t doubt your love for me. I have faith that you can do this, like you’ve done everything else. You’re not in this alone, you’ve got me and our conman daughter. I love you and that’s enough… Besides, you’re a going to be a Rambeau-Danvers now and I’ve heard they stay together for life and even after that.” Maria reassures.  

Although she had no idea why she had the desperate urge to see Maria, the blonde is now aware just how right that decision was.

When they hear the tell-tale bustling of Mama Tina approaching the door, Carol sees this as her time to sneak back out.

“Hey Rambeau, first one down the aisle gets to finish what you started tonight.” Carol dares before sneaking out, knowing full well she’ll win.


	37. Forever Our Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A union of two souls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter y'all. It's come to an enddddd :( Yet, hopefully a satisfactory one.

**Forever Our Time**

The ceremony is everything and more than Carol had imagined. From watching the toddler flower boys and girls, seeing Monica bear their rings, walking down the aisle with Talos and Fury; to Maxine’s beautiful rendition of ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.’

Yet, the moment Maria appears with her brothers to either side of her, everything else falls away. As wonderful as it is to have their family there to celebrate with them, Carol only has eyes for Maria.

Carol’s breath is stolen away by the sight of Maria as a celestial goddess. Her hair cropped in tight curls and a backless silver-white dress that hugs her in _all_ the right places. Yet, it’s not her pretty face and voluptuous body which only renders her completely frozen; it’s the light shining through her eyes, and in those ever-familiar orbs Carol can see forever in them.

By the time Maria reaches her, Carol is already crying, she hadn’t known how much she wanted this until now.

“You look beautiful.” Carol manages as she unveils Maria.

“You look like my dashing bride.” Maria says admiring her getup.

The pair cannot keep their eyes off one another throughout the entire proceedings. A million things dancing between them; flirtation, hope and surrender.

However, their attention is garnered when it is time for the vows. Carol, ever the gentlewoman, insists Maria go first.

“Carol Danvers, I vow to give you a home that you can _always_ come back to. For you have permanent residence in my heart, even when it is battered and weathered…”

Maria pauses and meets her eyes and the second wave of tears begin to build. All Carol has ever yearned for is a home, and somewhere in depths of Louisiana she found two hearts in which she belonged.

“…I promise to keep my heart open and my patience strong throughout whatever storms may come our way. Know that I will face all your demons with you, I will back away when you need it and push infinitely closer when you need me. I pledge to accept all of you, to love the darkest and lightest parts of you in equal measure, with no judgement and only immovable support…”

Her voice trembles with passion and it is almost overwhelming to be so completely and truly known.

“… I dedicate all of myself to you; heart, body and soul. I vow to love you through amnesia, through loss of self and through it all, just as I have in the past. Nothing scares me with you by my side. I will not love you until death do us part, I will love you beyond the promise of this life and into the next. For I know I will recognise you in all your forms and in all your lives.”

Each word is filled with a love Carol never imagined. It does nothing to stop the tears and only urges her on, but she doesn’t care because the woman of her dreams loves her. She feels so filled up with love that she could explode with it.

When it’s her turn, she takes a shaky breath and can’t help but reach out for her lover. She looks her in her eyes, with tears and a goofy-grin matching her own. Just as Soren suggested, Carol speaks from the heart.

“Maria, before I met you, I’d come to terms with the idea that I would never marry, never settle. I was sure of it; as sure as the fact that there are stars in the sky. Then I met you and I let go of that idea easily, like letting a balloon fall victim to the wind. Your love liberated me from a life of darkness and pain. You are the sun after a thousand-year dark winter, you are the moon in the blackened night’s sky; and as sure as the moon follows the sun, I am positive that you were made for me, and I for you...”

If she was nervous before, all of it falls away because Maria nods in that encouraging way and the words flow out of her as easily as a songbird.

“… So, my love, I vow to give all of myself to you, especially when it scares me the most. The times when your own vulnerability might frighten me, I solemnly swear to put down my own demons to carry yours…”

Carol knows she might be running from the demons of her childhood forever; but she also knows that if anyone can walk her through her terrors, it’s the woman who stares back at her in complete awe. Furthermore, it has only been with this understanding that Carol has been able to offer the same for Maria.

“…I promise to learn and evolve with our love. I swear to continually develop how to not only love you best, but how to _care_ for you best; as you have always done for me...”

Carol will never forget the lessons in love Maria has taught her. Although extremely painful, Carol learnt the difference between love and care, and the synergy between love and care.

“… I promise that whatever storms may come, that I too will stand in them with you and shelter you from harm. I vow to end wars with you, for you and against you…”

Maria’s smile widens impossibly further, flashing her perfect white teeth in contrast to her rich ever-dark skin. Carol doesn’t need to question if their mentors’ words ring true in her lover’s heart, she knows they do.

“… I will practice unconditional love and transcend everyone else’s rules because only ours matter. I vow to be there when you need me most because there is no sacrifice worth losing you. I know I won’t always get it right, but I need you to know that there is nothing important without you. Maria Rambeau, I am committed to you with everything I have. I can’t wait to explore the rest of the universe with you and the rest of forever.”

When the time comes, they kiss like they are the only two beings in the universe. Their friends and family cheer for them and with them. They dance and love the night away. For the first time, the difficult road to each other, suddenly seems not so arduous, and not so winding. In the end all the roads lead to Maria, they always have.

That night, when they make love, they lose themselves inside one another, two become one, and one becomes two again. Neither of them can comprehend the connection of their souls but they don’t need to. Their hearts each find eternal peace in their union. What was once _never their time_ , has blossomed into forever their time.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a wrap!   
> Shoutout to everyone that commented, and those that didn't but stuck it through to the end. Thank you for the encouragement, engagement and ideas! It's been a lot of fun! 
> 
> I'd love to hear your final thoughts, your favorite chapters, lines etc... even constructive criticism is appreciated, especially as I'm writing my dissertation... lol free education on AO3, gotta get it where you can ahaha!
> 
> I'm still thinking on a Monica or follow up story, all your ideas are welcome! 
> 
> Also looking for new fandoms, any ideas?? 
> 
> Thank you <3 
> 
> Hopelesslygazingthestars xx

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know your thoughts and ideas! This is a loooong adventure with the best little family :)


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